Dude Page #7

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Oh, that donk... That's funny. That's a, a sculpture that I, I

made in school. It is. I, we're, I, I'm Student Body President.

I'm a good kid. I am. I just,

I have a lot on my plate right now.

I'm so stressed out.

I, I, I'm graduating.

- Right now...

- Are you going to college?

Yeah, Columbia.

- It's a university.

- Oh, it is? It's not just a country?

Now, I wonder if the people at Columbia

would be excited to find out

that one of their future students

- was arrested for possession.

- What?

I don't know

what the f*** you're thinking

driving around with a bong

in the backseat of your car.

Who do you think you are, Willie Nelson?

Now, even he got arrested.

You're arresting me?

All right. Look, I'm not,

I'm not gonna ruin your life forever.

Oh, thank God. Thank you.

But I am gonna f*** it up

for about a week.

God,

you could be in jail right now.

I can't believe

you would do something so stupid!

Mom, I'm a really safe driver.

I was just distracted.

Yeah, but...

Lil...

- Smash it.

- No.

- Yes.

- Mom.

This is Donkey Bong.

All right? He has been with us

through all of high school.

Thomas smoked out of this.

Smash it.

I wasn't even smoking. I was sad driving!

What's sad driving?

Rebecca was,

she was sitting with her new roommate.

Chloe's not going to NYU.

She f***ing hates me

and she's, she's ditching prom

for the orientation of her new life.

Okay. So, be happy for her,

you should be supportive of her choices.

But her choices, they're wrong.

Shes making a huge mistake.

She is ruining our lives.

Lily, she wants a change.

It's not some affront

to what you guys share together.

- Yes, it is. That's exactly what it is.

- No...

No wonder she wants to get away from you.

- Mom, why are you yelling at me

- Because

- about this?

- You're being a monster.

You think you know everything?

You don't know sh*t.

Now learn your lesson

and smash your bong!

Really good parenting, mom.

Well, f***.

F***.

F***. F***.

F***.

Hey, this is Chloe.

Leave a message.

Hey, guys, it's Meils.

Uhm, I don't check my messages. So...

see you when I see you, motherf***er.

Hi, it's Rebecca. I'm not here

right now, so leave a message. Bye.

Bergbaum-Goldwyn Residence One.

Hi Rosa, uhm, is Chloe over there?

Chloe, Beck, Melia. Where are you?

You need any help, Madame President?

Stop.

I, uh, I couldn't find you

at the party the other night.

- I wanted to congratulate you...

- It's a little vicious, huh?

- What?

- You and Jessica are still involved.

- Don't you think that's a little hurtful?

- Jessica and I have a bond,

but her being completely insane keeps us

from ever being in a relationship.

We're not together.

I like spending time with you.

I care about you.

Yeah, well, I don't wanna be that girl.

Yeah, you made that pretty clear

when you blew-and-dashed the other day.

- You couldn't turn me down fast enough.

- Yeah, clearly,

because you were shoving your tongue

down your ex's throat a few hours later.

Wait, I wanted to be with you

and now you're jealous?

Oh God. Don't flatter yourself.

You know, for someone who's so nice,

you're actually kind of a b*tch.

- Wow.

- Wow what?

Are you gonna talk to me?

No? Okay, awesome. F*** you.

Whatever.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- What's wrong?

- Everything.

No, it's just prom sh*t. What's up?

Uhm...

It's stupid but, uhm...

What's Chloe's favorite color?

- It's for her corsage.

- She's not going.

Oh. And so she's, uh,

going to the pre-frosh orientation thing.

Yeah, right, of course you knew.

Oh, uh, well, she had mentioned

something about it.

Okay. I got to go get streamers.

It's green, for what it's worth.

Thanks.

- Bye.

- Bye-bye.

What are you doing?

Figuring out what to wear to prom.

Paper bag should do.

Oh, you mean on your body.

Stop.

- Are you on your period?

- Yes.

I think that actual steam

just came out of your ears.

This is pretty.

Dude, no, do not.

You're gonna stretch it.

My slender boyish figure

is the stuff that trannies dream of.

Talk.

Mom's pissed at me.

Yeah, but you know she'll deal.

What's really going on?

All the girls hate me.

Which kind of makes sense,

I've pretty much sucked lately.

I mean, you are a freak. But,

uh, I mean, you've always been like that.

You know, I mean,

maybe you've been a bit, uh...

you know, like BFFAEAE this year

with your power p*ssy posse.

But, uh, you know,

I mean, your expiration dating.

You know, I mean, you taught me that.

It's like, uh, you know, like camp dude,

summer was over and he was like, uh,

he was like, "Oh, you're so hot,"

you know, "you give the best handys,

we're gonna AIM all the time

and all that sh*t."

It's like when you know things are ending,

you freak out, and you try to hold on

and then it gets weird waiting it out.

When did you get so wise?

I'm surrounded by brilliant women.

- You got to get a new mindset.

- What? Like an emotional pre-game?

It's like feel shitty or be alone.

You know, I mean, dad left

the night before our Disneyland trip.

You know, we didn't go. I mean,

that sh*t's gonna f*** me up

for the rest of my life, but it's chill.

C.A.R.L. 4ever

C.A.R.L. forever?

- Shut up.

- What are you, a gay trucker?

I'll leave you to wallow now.

- Take it off.

- Nope.

Hi, Robert, it's Jill.

Just calling, 'cause our daughter's

high school graduation is coming up...

Valedictorian.

Speech.

Gonna be a, a big one.

Yeah, could make up

for all the others that you missed,

maybe. Olivia and James are, are well.

They're becoming really...

just wonderful, smart people.

I think you'd really like them.

I do. I think you'd really like them.

Anyway, I'd say talk soon, but I think

we both know that's not gonna happen.

Okay? All right. Graduation, Tuesday.

If you give a sh*t, go f*** yourself.

Okay. Okay, goodbye.

Go f***... Yeah. Go f*** yourself.

What?

It took a lot to introduce myself

I had to put my heart up on the shelf

Glug, glug, glug, in my glass,

then my tummy, and I will pee you out.

That night I got home

I was all alone

Oh, was it love

Or was I fooling myself

And I hope that time

Doesn't pass us by

Or am I fooling myself

Fooling myself

Fooling myself

It took a lot to introduce myself

I had to put my heart up on the shelf

I didn't know that it could be so hard

That night I got home I was all alone

And left to wonder

About the great unknown

Oh was it love

And I hope that time

Doesn't pass us by

Or am I fooling myself

Fooling myself

Fooling myself

And I hope that time

Doesn't pass us by

It was so funny, and then

I don't even know what's going on.

I can't believe

we're at prom though.

Thank God we got invited.

- But I need to be way more drunk.

- Me, too.

Oh. Slow your roll, girls,

the night is long.

Whiskey?

Why not?

- Hi.

- What's up?

You, uh, you look beautiful.

- You look beautiful.

- All right, thank you.

Uhm, look, I just really wanted

to apologize for, for getting all weird

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