Dumb & Dumber Page #4

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- Nuh-uh.

Come on, Joe.

Let me do them.

Let me do

both of them.

You wouldn't even have

to worry about it.

Just shut up!

Now, we don't even know

who the hell they are.

You don't kill people

you don't know.

That's a rule.

Now, I want you

to get up here,

lie down

on the front seat.

When they pick me up,

you follow us. You got that?

Keep your shirt on.

I gotta squeeze a lemon.

Mental:
Hey, hey, hey.

Here they come.

Stay down, stay down!

Say, uh, are you guys

going to Davenport?

My car died, and I'm late

for a luncheon.

We usually don't

pick up hitchhikers,

but I'm going to go with my instinct

on this one.

Saddle up, partner.

You're it.

- You're it.

- You're it! Quitsies!

Anti-quitsies.

You're it. Quitsies. No anti-quitsies.

- No startsies.

- You can't do that.

- Can too.

- Cannot. Stamped it.

Can too. Double-stamped it.

No erasies.

Cannot. Triple-stamped it.

No erasies.

You can't triple-stamp

a double-stamp!

You can't triple-stamp

a double-stamp, Lloyd!

You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp.

Lloyd! Lloyd!

Guys! Enough!

Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying

sound in the world?

Guys! Guys! Guys!

Fellas,

you think we could

listen to the radio

or something?

Radio?

Who needs a radio?

Ready, Harry?

- # Mock- #

- # Yeah #

- # - ing- #

- # Yeah #

- # - bird #

- # Yeah #

- Lloyd:
# Yeah #

- # Yeah #

Both:

# Mockingbird #

# Don't... everybody,

have you heard? #

# She's gonna buy me

a mockingbird #

# And if that mockingbird

don't sing #

# She's gonna buy me

a diamond ring #

# And if that diamond ring

don't shine... #

Hey, Lloyd, look! There's some people

who want a ride too.

Pick 'em up!

- Harry and Lloyd: # Mock- #

- # S #

- # - ing- #

- # S#

- # - bird #

- # S #

Harry and Lloyd:

# S #

Harry:
You want an atomic

pepper, Mr. Mentaliano?

Nah, you guys

go ahead.

I'll do it

if you will, Lloyd.

Okay.

You go first.

No, huh-uh, no,

you go first.

- No, you go first.

- No, you go first.

- No, you go first.

- I always go first!

Why don't you guys

both stop acting

like a couple

of pussies

and go at

the same time, huh?

- That sounds like a dare, Harry.

- It's a double-dare.

Yeah, okay,

you're on.

Mmm!

- Huh. It's not so bad.

- Uh-huh.

Yeah. It's more

tingly than hot.

Yeah.

Agh!

Uh, if you fellas

would excuse me,

I've got to use

the phone.

Enjoy your meal,

guys.

Here, Lloyd,

this helps!

Here here.

It...

it works good.

Ugh!

Yeah, it's Mental.

I'm just sitting down

- to a nice meal with our boys.

- Well, how nice for you.

Don't forget that your bread plate

is on the left!

Look, I can't have these guys

running around Aspen.

Don't worry. They ain't gonna be

runnin' around nowhere

after I dump a little rat poison

in their Shirley Temple.

- Good good.

- Okay, that's good.

Here he comes.

Here he comes.

Feeling better,

girls?

Yes, much better.

Thank you for asking.

# The other side of the mountain was all

that he could see, so! #

# He went back over the mountain to see

what he could see, hey! #

So why are you going

to Aspen? Vacation?

Why don't you eat up

and we'll tell you?

It just doesn't seem like

you packed much.

All I saw was one bag

and that briefcase.

Well, no no, the briefcase

isn't even ours.

Some lady left it

at the airport.

We're just bringing

it back to her.

How's your burger?

You mean, you don't

even know her?

I mean,

talk about being in the wrong place

at the wrong time.

# The bear went over the mountain to see

what he could see, hey! #

# The other side of the mountain was all

that he could see, so!

# So he went back over the mountain to see

what he could see, hey! #

# The other side of the mountain was all

the he could see! #

Are you okay, man?

It was just a goof.

Oh, my ulcer!

Quick!

My pills!

Waitress:
Maybe somebody should

call an ambulance.

Look, uh,

you get the pills.

Don't worry.

I know CPR.

I'll get

the pills.

Out with the bad air,

in with the good.

- Out with the bad air...

- Get off!

Ugh!

Agh, don't!

Don't don't!

Back back!

This is a lot easier

if you just lay back.

- Here.

- He's resisting me!

Here.

Here we go, here we go.

- Lloyd:
Pills!

- There you go! There you go.

- Pills are good!

- Take 'em down.

- Pills are good!

- Drink 'em down.

There you go.

- There you go, big guy.

- That's better!

You want some ketchup

and mustard?

That helped us.

Son of a b*tch!

Check, please.

I can't

believe it.

Life's a fragile

thing, Harr.

One minute you're

chewing on a burger,

the next minute

you're dead meat.

But he blamed me.

You heard him.

Those were

his last words.

Not if you count

the gurgling sound.

- You mean he was poisoned?

- No doubt about it.

We found these

next to the body.

- Sir.

- Yeah?

Waitress says he came in with

a couple of younger guys.

Now they're the ones who called the

ambulance, and then they hit the road.

- Get any idea where they were going?

- We just received a report

that they were seen headed west on I-80

towards Colorado.

Did you get a make

on the vehicle?

Uh, yes, sir.

They're driving

an '84... sheepdog.

# Take... #

# Take a picture,

take a little time #

# No need to dig

through the dumpster #

# For all the stuff you thought that you'd left

behind... #

# Take my car #

# Drive it

to the outside world #

# Take it far,

farther now from me #

# Take it all #

# Happy, girl,

the fact is #

# Take my heart #

# Take take

take me apart. #

Skis, huh?

That's right.

Great.

They yours?

Uh-huh.

Both of 'em?

Yeah.

Cool.

Um, excuse me,

but you're, uh...

you're spraying

everywhere.

Oh!

Oh, man, you gotta be shitting me.

If it ain't

my old friend!

And right on time.

That's a lot of luggage

for a little vacation.

- I'm moving to Aspen.

- Oh.

I've got to get away from my boyfriend.

He's such a klutz.

Plus, my astrologer told me that

I really should stay away

from accident-prone guys,

so, you know.

Oh, well,

you know, I...

Here. It's a little loose.

You might want to...

- Mm. Thank you.

- Oh, no. Hey, no, allow me.

I've got

a thing of...

here.

Got 'em right here. Right here.

Thank you.

Sure. You know, I'm heading up

to Aspen myself.

Maybe we could,

you know, meet up,

have some hot chocolate

or something.

Sure, why not?

You seem harmless.

I'm going to

give you my number.

- Let me find a pen though.

- Great!

- Let's see.

- That's... ah!

- I know I have one in here somewhere.

- Look, why don't you

just tell it to me?

I got a really good memory.

- Well, the number's 555...

- 555.

That's my old number.

That is so weird how

your mind just goes blank.

For God's sakes, just

give me the damn number!

Okay, look, uh, you gonna get pushy,

forget about it.

Find a happy place.

Find a happy place.

Find a happy place.

I'll show you

a happy place.

Here's your happy place.

Man:
Move those cars!

Move it! Move it!

Go around, man.

Go around.

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