Dumb & Dumber Page #6

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tomorrow night. "

Well, come on,

Cinderella.

We've got to get you

ready for the ball!

# Pretty woman,

walking down the street #

# Pretty woman,

the kind I like to meet #

# Pretty woman #

# I don't believe you,

you're not the truth #

# No one could look

as good as you... #

# Mercy! #

# Pretty woman,

won't you pardon me? #

# Pretty woman,

I couldn't help but see #

# Pretty woman #

# That you look lovely

as can be #

# Are you lonely

just like me? #

# Pretty woman,

stop awhile #

# Pretty woman,

talk awhile #

# Pretty woman,

give your smile to me #

# Pretty woman,

yeah yeah yeah #

# Pretty woman, look my way #

# Pretty woman,

say you'll stay with me... #

# 'Cause I need you #

# I'll treat you right... #

# Come with me, baby #

# Be mine tonight... #

Yeah!

# Pretty woman. #

Thanks, Barn.

There you go.

Thank you, sir.

Okay okay okay.

- Ha!

- Cripes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Agh!

- Time out!

- Okay.

Excuse me. Gentlemen, this is

a $500-a-plate dinner.

- Good night.

- Oh, 500... oh, okay. No problem.

Here. Put us down for...

put us down for four.

In case we

want seconds.

Jesus Christ.

It's them.

- Them who?

- Them,

the guys who

whacked Mental.

Can't you just

feel it, Harry?

This is our

big chance, man.

All we gotta do

is show a little class,

a little sophistication,

and we're in like

a dirty shirt.

That's no problem, Lloyd.

We can be classy and sophistic...

oh, look at the funbags

on that hosehound.

I'd like to eat her liver with

some fava beans

and a nice

bottle of Chianti.

Come on, let's go get a couple bowls

of loudmouth soup.

Yeah.

Hey, bartender,

- two martinis, please.

- Yes, sir. Right away.

Nicholas:
Ladies and gentlemen,

can I have your attention, please?

The Aspen

Preservation Society

is the world's

foremost defender

of 23 endangered

species,

and it is with

tremendous honor

that we're able to bring

Mr. Swanson forward

to introduce us

to the 24th. Everybody...

Karl.

Thank you, Nick.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you

the Icelandic snow owl.

These magnificent specimens

constitute one seventh

of the snow owl population

left on the planet.

And God willing,

with your help

and that of

the Society's,

these wonderful creatures

will flourish once more.

Thank you again

and enjoy your evening.

Can I have

some pistachios, please?

And another one

of those.

Lloyd, what are you doing?

Would you calm down?

I've never seen you

so nervous.

Keep an eye on 'em, Shay.

Keep a close eye.

I'm ready for

a commitment, Harry.

The first time

I set eyes on Mary Swanson,

I just got that old-fashioned

romantic feeling

where I'd do anything

to bone her.

That's a special

feeling, Lloyd.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Oh my,

there she is.

Wow! You weren't

kidding, Lloyd.

She's an angel!

Well, what are

you waiting for?

Get over there

and talk to her.

She's just going to think

I'm some kind of a psycho

when she finds out

how far I came just to see her!

You know what you have?!

Her briefcase!

She's gonna be

thrilled to see you.

Wait.

I have an idea.

Why don't you go over

and introduce yourself?

And that way,

you can build me up

so I won't have to

brag about myself later.

Tell her I'm rich

and, uh,

I'm good-looking

and, uh, I have

a rapist wit.

No, I don't know.

I don't think I could... no.

- Come on, please.

- No, I'm not...

- Please! Please!

- Okay okay okay. Stop.

What are you gonna do?

I'm going to

hang by the bar,

- put out the vibe.

- Okay.

Nice set of hooters

you got there.

- I beg your pardon?

- The owls, they're beautiful.

Oh.

Yeah.

Are you

a bird lover?

Me? Oh, no.

Well, I used to have a parakeet...

- Ah.

... but now my main area of expertise

is, uh, canines...

"dogs"

to the layperson.

- Thanks.

- Mm-hmm.

- I love dogs too.

- Oh.

- So how are you involved with them?

- Oh, you know,

I've trained them, bathed them,

clipped them.

- I've even bred them.

- Oh, really?

- Any unusual breeding?

- No.

Mostly just doggy-style.

One time,

we successfully mated

a bulldog

with a shih-tzu.

Really?

That's weird.

Yeah. We...

we called it a bullshit.

Oh, I'm... anyway,

the real reason

I came over here

was to...

I've got to introduce you

to a buddy of mine.

- I don't believe I've met your friend.

- Oh.

Well, actually, we haven't been

properly introduced.

- My name is Mary Swanson.

- Hi, Harry Dunne.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

This is my stepmother Helen.

Hi. Harry Dunne.

Pleasure to meet you both.

Mm-hmm. Well,

I saw you come in.

I was hoping I'd get

a chance to meet you.

- You were? Really?

- Yes! That tuxedo, it's fabulous!

Really. I love a man

with a sense of humor,

and so does Mary.

It's hysterical!

- Really?

- Oh, yes.

Oh. Anyway, um,

about my friend...

What are you doing tomorrow?

I believe that Mary

is looking for someone

to hit the slopes with.

She... what? Huh?

Helen, you're

embarrassing me.

Well, you are.

I mean, after all,

the snow's going to be gone

in a couple of weeks.

And, well, this may be

your last chance.

Poor thing, she never

gets a chance to get out.

Well, what do you say, Mr. Dunne?

Are you available?

Well, I don't know.

See, my friend...

Oh, forget your friend

for one day.

I think you kids'll have

a wonderful time. What do you say?

Well, you know,

I don't know, you know.

You know, the thing...

part of... sure.

What time?

Ahem...

How come you didn't

bring her over?

Relax.

You're golden.

- I got you a date with her tomorrow.

- Oh.

- What... I... this...

- Yeah.

- I love you, man.

- Okay okay.

- You're kissing me.

- I love you.

- I love you!

- You're kissing me. Lloyd!

This calls for

a little of the bubbly!

- You're going to be my best man, Harr.

- Oh, good.

- I promise.

- Thank you.

You have just

earned yourself a seat

at the head table, pal.

And we already got the tuxes.

Woman:
Gracious sakes!

- Man:
Good grief!

- Boy, this party really died.

Hey, maybe it was

a coincidence.

Hey, maybe it was a coincidence.

It was a message, Shay,

pure and simple.

I mean, we killed

their bird.

Now they killed

one of ours.

How could anybody

whack a bird with a cork?

These guys aren't

just anybody.

They're good.

Mary Christmas.

Mrs. Mary Christmas.

- Kinda catchy, huh, Harr?

- Yeah yeah, that sounds nice.

But, Lloyd, don't you think you might be

jumping the gun a little bit?

I mean, you know,

who knows?

You know, maybe,

once you get to know her

you'll find out

that she's not your type.

Hey!

Don't you ever

say that again!

She is the love

of my life!

The blood in my veins!

We belong together...

till the mountains

fall into the sea,

till the heavens

collide!

Or until I get sick of her

and need to move on.

- You hear me?!

- Okay okay okay okay. Just calm down.

Just calm down.

Okay.

Now...

let me

get this straight.

Lobby bar

in the lobby.

Yeah, and that's

what she said.

She'll meet you there

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