Dumb & Dumber Page #8

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Harry, I'm sorry, but something

important's come up,

and I've got

to run out.

It's-it's sort of an emergency.

I'll explain later.

- But, Mary...

- I'm sorry. I've really got to go.

I promise we'll do this

again sometime.

Race you to the top.

- Come here.

- Agh!

Yeah! Ha ha!

I won!

Look familiar?

I don't believe it.

You really have it.

Of course, I have it.

When Lloyd Christmas

drives a woman to the airport,

he makes sure she gets

all her luggage.

- That's my whole philosophy.

- This is incredible.

You mean to say

you drove 2,000 miles

just for me?

Uh... I didn't really

have a lot to do.

And I know how

frustrating it can be

to lose a bag.

That is so sweet, Lloyd.

Look, Mary, I know this may

seem a little sudden,

but I've given it

a lot of thought.

You're the woman I've been waiting

for my whole life,

and I'm not ashamed

to admit it.

Please...

Let me finish.

I'm crazy about you.

I've never felt this way

about anybody.

Listen to me.

I feel like

a schoolboy again,

a schoolboy

who desperately wants

to make sweet

sweet love to you.

Oh, I thought I heard

you talking to someone.

Mary, I-I...

I desperately want to make love

to a schoolboy.

- Maybe I should be going.

- No no...

No, I... that's not

what I meant.

Um... what I

meant was, um...

God.

I- I like you, Mary.

I like you a lot.

I want to ask you a question

straight out, flat out,

and I want you to give me

an honest answer.

What do you think

the chances are

of a guy like you

and a girl like me...

ending up together?

Well, Lloyd,

that's difficult to say.

We really don't...

Hit me with it!

Just give it to me straight!

I came a long way

just to see you, Mary.

Just... the least you can do

is level with me.

What are my chances?

Not good.

You mean not good,

like one out of 100?

I'd say more like

one out of a million.

So you're telling me

there's a chance!

Yeah!

I read you.

Hi. We have plenty

of towels. Thanks.

Nicholas!

What are you doing here?

I've been looking

for you, Mary.

I have some news

about your husband.

Husband?!

Wait a minute!

What was all that

one-in-a-million talk?

Aren't you going to

invite me in?

Beth:
Hey, Harry,

you never called!

What are you doing here?

Excuse me, gunman,

who are you?

Don't play dumb

with me, a**hole!

I'm the rightful owner of that briefcase

you've been carrying around!

Oh. Well, then...

Nicholas, my family

trusted you.

Shut up!

Listen, Mr. Samsonite,

about the briefcase...

my friend Harry and I

have every intention

- of fully reimbursing you.

- What?

You open it up.

Open it up!

Go ahead, open it up.

Do what he says.

Hurry.

What is this?

What is this?

Where's all the money?

That's as good

as money, sir.

Those are IOUs.

Go ahead and add it up.

Every cent's

accounted for.

Look. See this?

That's a car.

Might want to hang on

to that one.

You're a dead man.

You're a dead man!

Lloyd, I'm home!

Look, we've got to have

a serious talk.

I got a confession

to make.

Oh, good.

You found her.

I'll leave

you two alone.

No. Stay.

Ugh!

Yes, I'd like a one-way ticket

to Amsterdam

departing as soon

as possible, please.

How do you guys

know each other?

We used to be

best friends.

Yeah, until he turned

into a backstabber.

Me a backstabber?

You got a lot of nerve.

You knew I was

crazy about her!

And you knew I was crazy

about Fraida Felcher,

and that didn't stop you, did it?

- What do you mean?

- What do you mean?

Don't deny it, Lloyd.

Fraida told me the whole sleazy story,

Mr. French Tickler.

Okay, what time does it...

what time does that leave?

Thank you...

wait a second.

Can I have

a vegetarian meal?

I guess we both learned

a little something

- about each other today, didn't we?

- Yeah, you said it, pal.

Maybe we're not as good of

friends as we thought we were.

I guess not.

I mean, if one beautiful girl

can rip us apart like this,

then maybe our friendship

isn't worth a damn.

Maybe we should

call it quits right now.

You just tell me

where to sign, bud.

Right on my ass

after you kiss it!

Kiss it?!

You kiss mine!

Both cheeks, both lips,

right here!

- Put it right...

- Shut up!

Now, which one of you losers

wants to get it first?

Over here...

I was the one that got you into

this whole mess.

Come on

and shoot me.

No! Wait! Wait.

No no, do me first.

I stole your girl, Lloyd.

I deserve it.

- No, you don't.

- Yes, I do.

- No, you don't...

- Yes, I do!

Yesterday was one of the greatest

days of my life.

Mary and I went skiing, we made

a snowman, she touched my leg.

Okay, kill him!

Oh! Oh, no!

You killed my best friend,

you bastard!

If it's any consolation,

you're about

to be reunited.

Harry!

You're alive!

And you're

a horrible shot.

Lucky me.

Police! Open up!

Nobody move!

Everybody freeze!

Get those hands up!

Not you, dummy!

Man:

Get the gun.

Special Officer

Beth Jordan, FBI.

Hey! Who?

But... huh?

Mr. Dunne,

thank you very much.

We couldn't have

done it without you.

We've been

following you guys

all the way

from Providence.

What's going on,

Harry?

Your name is Harry,

isn't it?

Yeah, she-she grabbed me down the lobby,

explained what was up.

Then they slapped

this bulletproof vest on me

and gave me a gun.

But what if he shot you

in the face?

What if he shot me

in the face?

That's a risk

we were willing to take.

How come I didn't

get a gun?

Did you

get a gun?

# We can't play

this game anymore #

# But can we still

be friends? #

# Things just can't

go on like before #

# But can we still

be friends? #

# We had something

to learn #

# Now it's time... #

You were right,

Lloyd.

She was definitely

worth the trip.

Yeah. She's something,

ain't she, Harr?

I'm glad we were able

to help her out.

# You know

it's all gone #

# Let's admit

we made a mistake... #

- Honey!

- Easy easy.

- You're okay.

- Okay, I'm just a little sore.

I'm sorry.

Oh, sweetie.

Oh, baby, I missed

your loving.

Honey, there's someone

I want to introduce you to.

He's the kindest,

gentlest man I've ever met.

- Will you meet him?

- Sure.

He's got a gun!

Mary:

Lloyd? Lloyd!

Huh?

I said this is

my husband Bobby.

- Oh. Hi, Bobby.

- Hi.

- I'm so happy for you.

- Thank you.

Thank you both

very much.

I owe you both

a debt of gratitude.

Thank you.

I can't believe

this, Lloyd.

First Mary dumps us,

then the cops take

our nest egg.

- Then our hog breaks down.

- Yeah!

When are we ever

gonna catch a break?

# Hallelujah #

# Hallelujah

hallelujah #

# Hallelujah. #

Hi, y'all.

Hi, guys! We're going

on a national bikini tour,

and we're looking for

two oil boys

who can grease us up

before each competition.

You are in luck!

There's a town about

three miles that way.

I'm sure you'll find

a couple guys there.

Okay. Thanks.

Bye!

Do you realize

what you've done?

- Hey!

- Lloyd!

Lloyd!

You'll have to

excuse my friend.

He's a little slow.

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