Dumbbells Page #4

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You have a bad knee,

yet you still competed.

So what'd you do?

Did you try rehabilitating it?

I did, I had some of the best

physical therapists

there were, actually.

And I was making

really good progress.

The Miami Heat even

invited me

to their summer league.

Wow, that's amazing.

It was,

it really was.

Until dinosaur-looking

Chris Bosh

stepped on my left ankle.

He made me fall on my face

in front of Pat Riley

and the whole coaching staff.

They cut me

the next day.

The truth is I was

never better than 50%

after my injury.

Strange how life takes us

in directions

we least expect, huh?

Tell me about it.

Okay.

Bullseye.

Here we go.

Did Chris Bosh step on

your hand, too?

Oh, wow!

Someone is hilarious, huh?

I try.

Hey, turd face!

Some icky blonde tramp

just threw up

in front of my salon,

and we can hear your music

blasting.

Ivana...

You know what?

- I'm gonna go.

- Hello.

You're leaving?

Yeah, I just,

I have some schoolwork...

You know what?

You can talk to

your girlfriend later, okay?

Ivana, listen, okay?

I know when you were

a little brat

your dad gave you all the

puppies and ponies you wanted,

but in the adult world you can

take a time f***ing out.

You know what?

Time f***ing in, Mister, okay?

Because it wasn't a pony,

it was a stallion.

His name was Prancer,

and he was perfect.

And now he's dead,

so f*** you.

Great.

Hello?

Hey, Chris,

it's Kimmy.

Miss me?

Of course you do.

Oh, my gosh, Daddy and I

just got back

from Saint-Tropez,

you would not believe it!

I am so channeling...

- Jack.

- Chris.

What are you still

doing here?

Ah, I was just using

the internet.

I didn't realize

anyone was still here.

You don't have internet

at home?

Well, I kind of haven't

paid the bill

in like, seven months,

so, no.

Ah, money problems, huh?

Well, you know

what they say.

Mo' money,

mo' problems.

Yeah, what do they say

about no money?

Excuse me.

So, you speak Spanish.

What a surprise.

Well, I did use to date

Sofia Vergara.

Guess you could say

it comes with the package.

F*** you, seriously.

What are you even

doing here still?

Shouldn't you be at home

spooning

with your Victoria's Secret

supermodel wife?

Let me tell you something

about me, Chris.

When I start

filming something,

I never leave base camp.

It's 25/8, baby.

Could you put a towel on?

Not a locker room guy, huh?

More like not a cock

in my face guy.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You don't sound fine.

I know that look.

What's her name?

Jack.

Come on, spill the beans.

You remind me of

my friend Tantu.

Tantu?

Tantu Tantutututinko,

my Native American friend.

He was a chef

at the local diner

at the reservation where

I do my sweat lodges

with the Bee Gees.

Let me tell ya,

nobody can poach an egg

like Tantu.

He used to always say

that he was fine,

but he wasn't.

I could see it all over

his Indian face

and I see the same look

on your face right now, Chris.

Can you stop?

Just stop.

Okay.

I know what to do.

Get comfortable, buddy.

What are you doing?

Bro.

Therapy saved my life.

Okay.

And how does that

apply to me?

I don't need therapy.

What is with you people?

She said that

she loved me

and she didn't love me.

She left,

she didn't even say goodbye,

she left a note.

It wasn't even goodbye.

And then I say,

"Guess what, Kim?

"I don't even wanna play

in the NBA anyway,

"you materialistic f***!

"Why don't you go

whiten your teeth again?

"Why don't you throw up

that hamburger

"in the toilet again?

"You don't think

I can hear it?

"I can hear it every time!"

I guess what bothers

me the most

is obsessively pondering

over what I could have been.

My true potential.

NBA star,

happily married to Kim,

or anything other

than what I am now.

Chris, sometimes we need

to lose everything

that we think we want

in order to discover

who it is

that we really are.

That's deep.

It's a magnet

on my refrigerator.

$75,000.

Starting salary.

Sounds like

a f***ing b*tch.

I just, I don't get her.

Why now?

I mean, where's she been

and why do I still give a sh*t?

Don't beat yourself up, pal.

Every woman's

got a vagenda.

The question is whether

it's the right one for you.

Did you say "vagenda"?

That injury was the best thing

that could ever happen to you.

That injury saved your life.

Do you really think

the two of you

could have ever

been happy together?

Yes.

No.

You know what?

You're right again.

I don't,

I don't need her

and I don't need

her daddy's money,

and I've got things

going on in my life.

I've got, I've got Jack Guy.

I've got Dumbbells 25/8,

right?

That's right, brother.

You know what?

I feel good right now.

I feel clear.

I feel one with the universe

or something.

I feel, I feel taller.

I feel light.

Everybody should try therapy

at least once.

It's not like people haven't

tried to tell me that.

Especially Missy.

Did you know that Missy and Dre

take a two hour bus ride

to get here every day?

- From downtown.

- Really?

I feel like I've been

a jerk to those guys.

I feel like I wanna do

something nice for them.

Well, we could start

by brightening their day.

Hey, dumbass, did you forget

to lock the door last night?

I was a little tipsy.

Wait, do you hear music?

# I used to think

maybe you loved me #

# Now baby I'm sure

# And I just can't

wait till the day #

Good morning!

First, I'd like to say

that I think you're both

equally amazing

and I'm sorry from

the bottom of my heart

for being an a-hole.

And I appreciate

both of you.

You see, Missy,

you are like my rock.

You're my foundation

that keeps me sturdy.

And, Dre, you're like

the rainbow

that shines above those rocks.

And not like a gay rainbow,

but a masculine rainbow

with muted colors.

Who are you and what

have you one with Chris?

Hey, there he is!

Day two, baby.

Nice wheels.

Something wrong?

Yeah, you know what's wrong.

Your check bounced,

you a**hole.

What?

There must be some mistake.

I mean, come on, Fabs,

you know I'm good for it.

Listen, don't call me Fabs,

it's Fabio.

Fabio.

- Io.

- Io.

- Io, io, you idiot.

- Fabio.

Let's go inside,

everyone's waiting.

You screw me over,

and you know what?

Nobody fucks

with Fabio.

I've got plenty of money

in that account!

Fabio!

Damn.

What?

No!

Let's just say the man

has a vision.

Big changes

are coming.

There's the genius!

Saul, where are you?

I've got a big problem,

call me back!

What uh, is wrong?

Fabio quit.

Let me guess.

There was too much

dialogue for him.

Why, why,

why did he quit?

Because he's a dick.

And the check

I wrote him bounced.

Oh.

I called my money manager,

Saul,

but what it means is,

you know,

I gotta send everybody home

and still pay for it.

All right, we'll find

a new host, right?

Chris, I just can't, like

go on the internet

to CelebrityHost. Com

and push a button.

It's not that easy.

Not to mention I've got

the cast and crew here

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