Dumbbells Page #5

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for two days, that's it.

Well, let's take

a time out

and let's think about this,

all right?

We need a host,

we need a host.

We need someone charming,

someone personable,

someone who's not a dick,

um...

Duh!

Jack Guy!

You've done a million

modeling campaigns,

you've traveled the world,

you've always been in front

of the camera.

You should host the show.

Well, I did guest star

on a soap opera once.

That's what I'm talking about,

baby!

Look out this window,

all right?

This is your vision, buddy.

We're all looking through

the point of view

of our own reality tunnel.

And every reality tunnel

is different.

Wikipedia says

that Fabio's Protein

is better than water.

Yuck, what the...

What's going on?

Why is Jack getting

concealer applied?

His skin is perfect.

Fabio quit, Jack's the host,

and Chris is a f***ing alien.

You ready to roll, Sterling?

Jack?

Todd, what's up?

I was uploading,

trying to upload yesterday's

footage to your Mac

like you told me,

but um,

for some reason it doesn't

look like the footage

actually recorded.

What?

Sterling, just hold on

for a second.

What do you mean

it didn't record?

How could that be?

Did you know about this?

Does anyone here

speak idiot?

F*** it, all right?

You need something done right

you gotta do it yourself.

All right, just roll this time.

Are you the owner of

this establishment?

I am.

I'm with

the Department of Health,

and pardon the pun,

you need to get

your sh*t together!

Have a nice day.

Hello, America.

Why is it so fun

being a dick?

Don't wanna be

a p*ssy.

Sterling,

we're losing power!

I can't work like this!

Everything's okay.

It's just a coincidence that

all my checks are bouncing.

Uncle Jack?

Saul's hard

to get a hold of.

He travels a lot.

Are you okay?

Just having a few

communication issues.

You know what

I just thought of?

Why don't you call

Adriana?

She would make

a perfect host.

Problem solved.

Yeah, Adriana.

Adriana left me

five months ago.

Oh.

Is this Octaurean related?

Octaurean?

He was in a cult

for 20 years.

What, like Catholicism?

No, they worshipped a star

called Octaurus.

Oh.

But he escaped.

Look at that!

See, things are already

looking brighter.

And there he goes,

folks,

money manager

Saul Rosenblattsteinberg

is being indicted on accusations

of running a Ponzi scheme

involving some of Hollywood's

biggest names,

many of whom are linked

to the alleged cult

known as Octaurean Lifestyles

which was first exposed

by famous model

and former member, Jack Guy,

who is also a victim in

this tragic turn of events.

Man, did he royally

f*** those people.

Back to you in the studio,

Bob.

Jack, are you okay?

These electronic toothbrushes

are amazing.

I haven't had a cavity

in over ten years,

you know that?

Jack.

Sit with me,

talk to me.

What's up?

Something wrong?

You tell me, Tantu.

Adriana never loved me.

She said she did,

but she didn't.

She went away on a photo shoot,

she never even came back.

She ran off with

some German photographer

with a ponytail.

Dirk.

Dirk the jerk.

I didn't join the cult, mother!

No one joins a cult!

I was brainwashed!

I mean, my God,

they told me

I was saving the world!

They said, "Sign here,

you'll help save the world."

I signed.

Wh-, what would you do?

Did that answer

your question?

Yes, yes, I did think

the spaceships were coming!

I guess what bothers

me the most is that

no one ever seems

to take me seriously.

Even in the cult my nickname

was Dipshit.

I remember the day

I escaped.

February second,

Groundhog Day.

I was running butt naked

through the forest

with nothing but a squirrel pelt

and my dignity

to keep me warm,

but I got away.

That was the first day

that I really questioned

my decision to change my name

to Jack Guy.

What's your real name?

Phil Wienerman.

Wait a second,

what should I call you?

Jack or Phil?

I don't know.

Actually, I was thinking

of changing my name again.

I always liked

the name "Jim".

Considering that you

wanna be taken seriously

and you own a fitness club now,

"Jim Guy" might not be

the best option.

I'm just saying.

There you go.

Listen, I just wanted

to thank you again

for helping my uncle

through this.

I know he can be

a bit eccentric.

No, no, no,

it's fine,

it's my pleasure.

Well, you're sweet.

You're sweet, too.

Well, till next time.

Cool Vespa.

You know what?

On Saturdays um,

we take the underprivileged

kids that I work with

to the park to get

some outdoor activity.

I was thinking maybe

you could come by

and show 'em some

basketball moves or something.

Yeah, that sounds awesome.

Cool.

So um, Pan Pacific Park,

one PM.

Pan Pacific Park,

one PM.

Once again I'm uh,

I'm really, really sorry.

Due to my current

financial situation

and the failure of

the reality show

why doesn't everyone just

take the rest of the week off.

We'll plan to reconvene

on Monday.

But uh, in light of

everything that's happened

unless some sort

of miracle occurs,

I strongly encourage everyone

to explore

other employment

opportunities.

Three days of working here,

you get us shut down?

# Lately seems

you've been distant #

# Or maybe I just

don't read you so well #

# What you want

in an instant #

# Would say with your eyes

# It's getting harder

to tell #

# And I want you to know

I'm trying #

# Trying the best

that I can #

# And if our love

is slowly dying #

# I want you to know

# Where I stand

in my heart #

# My heart, my heart

You're early.

It's been a while.

I figured I could

use the practice.

Let's play some basketball.

All right guys, back up,

we're gonna work on defense,

okay?

Let's see what you got.

# If it weren't for the boy

# Who felt like

whatever he did #

# Wasn't good enough

# Was different

than every kid #

# But wait,

deep down inside #

# There was a genius within

# And his heart was of gold

and hope was eager to win #

# Was so sick and tired

of all these people #

# Sneaking on him

# No, he would come and attack

by the evil again #

# And his family's poor

# He swore he would

feed them again #

# But on his way out there goes

the Grim Reaper again #

# They put him in

the coliseum #

# To be food for the lions

# But he cut right through 'em

like the man on fire #

# With my heart

of Leonidas #

# He fought through the riots

# Cause he's one bad man

# Gave his notes to the choir

# But this world

was deep in for you #

# Bloodlines went back

to the people #

# You gotta fight way out,

it can be done #

# But in him dwells the heart

of a champion #

# Never quit, never lose hope,

overcome #

# Never fear to fly,

you can be the one #

Oh, come on,

that's not fair.

Hey, there.

Wow.

Aren't you amazing

with the kids, who knew?

Thank you.

Now that brings us to

a little bit of a surprise

that I have for you.

What?

Ta-dah!

I figured we'd

have to eat, right?

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