Dumbbells Page #7

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Jeffry, um, is that corn?

Yes.

Aaahh!

Gross!

- Take it!

- Jeffry.

Sir, I'm so sorry,

I'm a horrible person

and I will go improve myself

around the corner.

How difficult is it

for them to get it right?

I'm gonna go

to the bathroom.

You gotta respect that.

She knows what she wants.

Respect.

Yeah.

What the hell

are you doing?

Eating?

Put down the knife

and fork, f*** head.

Come on, respect her.

Wait for your princess

to come back.

Sorry, my bad.

My bad, my bad?

Who are ya, Snoop Dogg, now?

I'm sorry.

You hear me, homey?

Pardon?

No, no, I think I know you.

You're one of those a**holes

that plays basketball

every night, right?

Right, and then you're listening

to your rap music

with your hippie friends.

And you're probably on

narcotics right now,

huh, Cheech?

No, no, Sir,

you have me all wrong.

When it comes to my daughter

she is my everything.

So you hurt her,

you so much as disrespect her,

and I'm sending people

to your house.

Capisce?

Capisce.

I'm gonna run to

the restroom myself

really quickly.

Ah!

Hi, it's Rachel,

leave a message at the beep.

Hey, baby,

it's Craig.

Why don't you

call me back?

We can work through this,

we can talk this out, okay?

Call me back.

It was just a rub and tug.

It's not that big of a deal,

it was a massage, okay?

That b*tch was just masturbating

with her hand on top of mine.

Without mine being there.

You know what?

I be banging b*tches

left and right.

You don't know sh*t,

you don't know nothing,

I don't need you.

Peace.

So, as you can see,

the living room

is very spacious.

Well, I, I see

that there's a pool,

but where's the tennis court?

We were told this property

has a tennis court.

Where do you expect us to go

when the servants

are cleaning the house?

Uh, well um,

there's a ping pong table

in the basement.

How dare you?

I have not been practicing

my backhand for nothing.

And why is there so much

furniture in this room?

Well, Ma'am, sometimes

we furnish the houses

to give the prospective buyers

a better idea

of what it will be like

once they...

And that trim is pretty shitty,

who did that?

Jack?

Jack who?

Is he in the union?

He's speaking to you,

dimwit.

I have explosive diarrhea,

so I will be right back.

He's not a dimwit.

You have to have a wit

to be dim.

- Right.

- Jack.

Call me Lonestar,

lay low.

Lonestar, why?

No time to explain.

Bianca, Bianca,

you gotta see this.

Where are you?

Bianca, this,

what are you doing down there?

I can't let you do this.

Do what?

This.

Look at you.

Look at me?

Jack, look at you.

You don't think I look good

as a brunette?

I'm happy right now, okay?

I've got my life together,

I've got money,

things are great.

Oh, everything's great, huh?

Oh, come on,

open your eyes.

Is this really

what you want?

- Yes, yes, it is.

- All right, look.

I'll be the first to admit

I lost my marbles there

for a little while.

But I'm back and I've never

been more clear on anything.

The cult tried to kill my

dreams.

I'm never gonna let anybody

ever do that again.

I can't give up.

Not on the gym,

and not on myself.

And you shouldn't either.

Jack.

Lonestar.

Lonestar, look.

Even if I did wanna

quit this job and dump Kim,

the gym's shut down

and you're broke.

Not anymore.

I've got a plan,

but I need your help.

You are a foul,

horrible young man.

Horrible.

I'm gonna call your office

and file a complaint.

My God, Jack, this is like,

freakishly good.

One great thing about

being in a cult,

planning to take over the world

every day

makes you very meticulous

and a great strategist.

You know what else?

I think we should do a whole

grassroots

social media marketing campaign.

I love it, let's do that!

Let's get to work.

Oh, man, really?

Can I get one day off?

My freaking armpits.

Your hyperhydrosis is

acting up again, huh?

What?

You poor bastard.

You haven't figured it out yet,

have you?

Let me guess.

You've tried every

antiperspirant known to mankind.

Yeah.

But nothing works, nothing,

not even clinical strength.

No.

Now you're resorted

to blow drying your pits,

patting them down

with paper towels.

Okay, are you following me?

Here, let me

show you something.

I keep this

as a reminder.

See, back then

we didn't have Photoshop.

Hyperhydrosis could have

killed my career

before it even started.

You're just like me.

Chris.

Kim.

Dude, she is hot.

You're not helping.

Be strong.

Who the hell was that

and what were you two doing?

That's my friend, Lonestar.

Daddy's waiting.

Ew, your armpits

are sweaty.

I have a condition,

hyperhydrosis.

Yuck.

Exactly.

Kim.

What?

I said, "what"?

I'm leaving.

I know, we have to go.

No, I'm leaving alone.

We're not driving

to Daddy's separately.

Bye, Kim.

Oh, God, is this you

being emotional again?

Don't be so emotional, Chris.

You're delusional,

wake up.

You know what, Kim?

I'm a Cancer,

and we are emotional,

art majoring,

empathetic,

fish-painting

motherfuckers.

Have a great life.

I don't get it.

God, I feel amazing!

I feel like I could climb

a mountain or something!

Why are we in a Prius?

I thought you had

a Lamborghini.

Had to downsize

for the mission.

Oh.

Wait, where are we going?

Page two, step one,

blue highlight.

Payback.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

These f***ers took

six million from me

and we need that money

to save the gym.

You gave a cult

six million dollars?

Are you crazy?

I didn't give it to them.

I was investing in land

on Octaurus.

Plus, they told me

it was a write-off.

Look, ah, Jack...

Lonestar.

I mean Lonestar, look.

I, I can't do this,

I'm sorry.

We have all the power,

just play the role,

it'll be fine.

What do I call myself?

Do I have a code name?

I don't want these guys

knowing who I am.

Ronald.

Ronald McDonaldson.

Okay, ready?

What are we doing

in a dentist's office?

Think about it,

that's how they get you.

Everybody needs to get

their teeth cleaned.

This is crazy.

What am I getting

myself into?

Oh, my God, what if

they have guns?

What if they try

to kill me?

Holy sh*t,

I'm gonna die.

F***.

I ate carbs today.

I am such a fatty.

Why did I think

I could do this?

I hardly even know

this guy.

What if he's trying

to brainwash me?

What if I'm already

in the cult?

I bet Rachel has

a blonde wig.

Yeah, but it would look

totally fake.

Ron?

Yeah.

I am Ron.

Um...

Mariah Carey flies south

for the winter.

Honey or Glitter?

Honey?

Right this way.

Octaurean Lifestyles,

this is Venus,

how can I help you?

Enter voice authorization

sample.

Activate.

Hello, Benevolent Leader.

Have a seat.

You dare bring in

an outsider, Dipshit?

This is my spiteful,

relentless, ball crushing,

undefeated lawyer.

Oh, yeah,

your worst nightmare.

Um, well, first I would

like to um,

thank you for...

Spit it out,

jackass.

Remember why we're here.

We need this money

to save Dumbbells.

All right, motherf***er.

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