Easy to Wed Page #5

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Joan of Arc?

Florence Nightingale? Madame Curie?

What has she done

to get such a reputation?

Discover penicillin?

- Aren't you being a little absurd?

- Aren't you?

- Wait just a moment. You don't understand.

- Oh, no, no. Don't tell me. Let me guess.

And do be careful.

You might injure yourself.

You should be kept under glass.

And that, Miss Allenbury, is the first

sincere gesture you've ever made.

And that, my dear friend,

is the last I saw of Miss Connie Allenbury.

Five days in a hotel

and she slaps your face.

That's progress.

- So the wonder boy lays a big, fat egg, huh?

- Would you kindly hush my wife?

- Nobody's hushing me.

- Gladys.

I have my ticket to Reno

and my hotel reservations and my lawyer...

And no grounds.

It's a million to one

you'll ever see the Allenburys again.

You lose. He's asked me to his lodge

in Canada for a weekend of duck hunting.

Oh, fine. What do I do?

Bust in on you and the old man?

Oh, no, Connie will be there, all right.

I'll take bets on that too.

That was no farewell slap.

Well, now, wait a minute, that's fine,

that's great. When do you go?

- Leaving tomorrow.

- Gladdy leaves the next night.

Oh, I can see it all now. Alone in

the mountains, away from the world.

Just you, Connie and the ducks.

Midnight. Gladdy appears.

The trusting bride that you've deserted.

Crushed. Stricken.

- And bust up the joint, huh?

- With a detective.

Connie rushes from her room.

You rush from your room.

You follow Connie down the stairs

in a dressing gown.

What do I wear?

Flashlights, bang, the case is in the bag.

Congratulations, Bill.

I always knew you'd deliver.

- I think I'll wear pink.

- There's only one hitch.

- Hitch?

- I look terrific in pink.

- Duck hunting.

- Duck hunting?

- Did you ever see me in pink?

- Quiet.

The tales I've told Allenbury

would curl what's left of your hair.

I've never even held a gun.

Relax. I'll have an instructor here

first thing in the morning.

- Hey, where are you going?

- The office.

- You're gonna leave me here alone?

- I'm here.

- Listen, if I have to stay here with that...

- Oh, fine. This is where I came in.

Please, you've got to appear married.

- This is only a business arrangement.

- Well, it's a fine... That is my bedroom.

I'm going to get some bedclothes.

I'm sleeping out here.

Everything will be all right.

You in there, he's in here.

A door in between, locked.

Warren Haggerty,

are you willing that I should stay here...

...your fiance, the girl you love?

Will you please not worry?

I trust him like a brother.

- Well, he's not my brother.

- You will hurt his feelings.

- Oh, that would be tough.

- Excuse me.

- So long, Bill.

- Pardon me.

- I'll have that instructor here in the morning.

- Oh, fine.

Oh, would you hold that, please?

You big square.

Hello?

Who?

Send him right up.

Gladys. Gladys, open the door.

The duck man is on his way up.

Tell him we don't want any.

Come on and open the door.

I gotta hide the bedclothes.

Just a minute.

- Hurry up. Hurry up.

- Well, I have to get something on.

Come on. Open up, Gladys.

Hurry up. Hurry up.

Open the door. Make it snappy, Gladys.

Make it snappy.

The man's on his way up.

I've gotta get rid of these clothes.

Come on. Open up. Open the door.

- Come on. Hurry up.

- I've lost the key.

I've been robbed.

Relax. The front-door key

always fits both doors.

You mean that key

was out there all night?

Obviously.

Now, remember, try to act married, huh?

- Mr. Chandler?

- Yes.

Homer Henshaw, of the Happy Hunter

Supply Company, Limited, at your service.

- Come right in.

- Theodore.

Your hat, please.

Mr. Haggerty tells me you're a beginner,

Mr. Chandler. Is that correct?

Beginner's hardly the word.

I've never even really...

- Begun.

- Yes.

Well, we'll change all that.

Now, you just settle back

and make yourself comfy.

Now, in duck hunting,

the first thing one must master is...

The call.

Of all the many hunters

I have known intimately...

...a surprisingly small percentage

call adequately or with discretion.

That is the foundation

of elementary duck hunting.

- Are elementary ducks in season?

- Please, no levity.

Mr. Henshaw, this is my wife.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

Now, a vast repertoire of calls

is not essential.

Two or three are sufficient. Theodore.

Calls may be divided into two classes:

A, diving ducks, and B, non-diving ducks.

The difference between

the two types being...

...A, one dives, and B, one does not.

How did he ever figure that out? Genius.

First, I will demonstrate the Greeting Call.

Theodore.

The Greeting Call.

Next, the Come-Back Call. Theodore.

You know, that's a cinch tune

for the Hit Parade.

- Quiet, please.

- All right.

Last but not least,

the Lazy Hen Call. Theodore.

She's not lazy. She's dead.

A knowledge of the musical scale

is helpful though not mandatory.

However, I find it of immeasurable aid

in perfecting one's tone.

- Will you kindly assist us at the piano?

- Love it. Love it.

- Mr. Chandler.

- Yes.

A way of determining

the timbre of one's tone...

...is to run the gamut of the scale

from do to do.

I find substituting the word "quack"

for each note in the scale...

...extremely beneficial

to beginners, like this:

You ready? One, two.

Bravo. Now, Mr. Chandler, that you

have mastered the call in its slow form...

...we can start speeding it up

to an excitable pitch.

- Ready. One two.

- Yes.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- Capital.

Now, Mr. Chandler,

we're ready for a series of test calls.

Mrs. Chandler,

I'm going to impose on you again.

You are a female duck.

This will be quite a blow to my mother.

A redheaded pin-tailed widgeon.

You fly into the bedroom...

...latch the door and Mr. Chandler here

will give a series of calls.

When he hits the call that appeals

to your mating instinct, you fly out again.

Clear?

All right. I'm a red-haired

pin-tailed widgeon.

- My, what lovely plumage.

- Theodore.

Now, Mr. Chandler, since you've mastered

the technique, we will use the duck reed.

Now, remember, it's mind over matter.

Man against mallard.

One must invest one's call

with hypnotic quality...

...sufficient to lure the wary duck

from her marshy lair.

Now, one, two, three, go.

Happy New Year.

Start again. Try the Come-Back Call.

Maybe I'm not putting

enough schmaltz into it.

Try the Lazy Hen Call.

No. No. Well, now, let me try.

This call has never failed.

The last time I used it,

it brought me a Canadian honker.

- That did it.

- I don't get it.

- Why didn't you come out when I called?

- I was busy laying eggs.

Ten minutes late already.

I told you he wouldn't show up.

Nonsense. He'll be along any minute.

I'll bet 50 shares of Tel. and Tel.

he can't hit the side of a barn.

And you'd lose. He's the best-informed

man on duck hunting I've ever met.

Oh, Father, darling, for an inveterate

chairman of the board, you're very naive.

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