Ed TV Page #6

ED:

Whoa, God bless Ray.

First time I'm off-camera in two

days. This is hard, you know? I'm,

like, exhausted.

ANGLE ON RAY:

He's BALANCING a BAR STOOL on his forehead.

ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI

SHARI:

(calmly)

He did that at my parents' house.

ANGLE ON RAY:

As Ray drones on...

RAY:

(selling hard to the

camera)

Okay, I just wanted to get your

attention. My name is Ray and my

friend Bucky and I design video

systems. You've got an office or

a big home, we'11 come out there

design you an entire system.

ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI

ED:

See, they should've

picked him. Look how comfortable

he is out there.

ANGLE ON RAY:

SHARI:

He is so wound up. He bought all

new clothes for this.

He flips the BAR STOOL and catches it. He accepts the plaudits of

the crowd. He returns to Ed and Shari. So do the cameras. Ray is

fired-up.

RAY:

Whew! 1 am kicking hairy ass!

Ray is still full of energy.

RAY (CONT'D)

Hey, Ed. Did you hear about

Marcia?

ED:

(worried)

No. What happened?

RAY:

(to the camera)

That's our sister.

(to Ed)

She's got a new boyfriend.

AL AND JEANETTE:

Watching TV.

JEANETTE:

Who?

BACK TO BAR:

RAY:

He's living with her!

ED:

(camera-conscious)

Ray, maybe this isn't ...

RAY:

No, this is great.

(to the camera)

You'll love this.

(to Ed)

He's a singer.

ED:

Marcia's living with a singer?

CUT TO:

RAY:

Yeah. You know,

piano bars. plays the piano

and sings. That's how they met.

SHARI:

He sang to her and they fell in

love?

RAY:

(enjoying this)

No! Some drunk

hit him over the head with his

snifter -- you know, that thing they

keep on the piano for tips -- and

Marcia yanked a big hunk of glass

out of his head.

(cracks up, pounds the

table)

48 INT. MARCIA'S APARTMENT

Marcia is staring at the TV in UNHAPPY SHOCK. Next to her is a good-

looking, but slightly sleazy-looking GUY with a bandage on his

head.

49 INT. BAR

RAY:

I mean my question

is what was she doing in a bar in

the first place?

ED:

Ray --

RAY:

She's an alcoholic,

for Christ's sake.

ED:

Oh, Jesus.

Marcia, watching, HORRIFIED.

BACK TO BAR:

RAY:

Remember the

last guy she got involved with?

What was his name?

ED:

What's the dif --

RAY:

Richie!

(to Shari)

She spent six months dating a criminal

ED:

(to Shari)

She didn't know he was a

criminal. They had a

relationship. They --

RAY:

"Quick pull off the highway" is

not a relationship. Oh man, I

gotta pee.

He KISSES Shari. She COVERS her FACE with her hand.

RAY (CONT'D)

What are you, hiding from the

Police?

(pulls her hands down)

Show your face, you look great.

(to Ed)

Doesn't she look great.

ED:

Great.

RAY:

(to Ed)

While I'm gone, tell them about

our cousin Lenny who's gay. We

knew from when he was five.

He minces off' effeminately, to the bathroom, LAUGHING. It's

like a hurricane has just passed through. Everyone is sitting,

STUNNED.

ED:

You do though, you look great.

SHARI:

Right.

ED:

No, no, I -- as soon as you came

in tonight I said to John, "Boy

Shari looks beautiful." I said

it on TV so you can ask anybody

who saw it.

She LAUGHS. They smile at each other. They make intermittent

eye-contact a little self-consciously.

Ed finally looks somewhere else and Shari, for just a moment,

stares right at him.

PULL BACK to TWO GUYS, watching this on TV in a bar -- more of

a neighborhood bar.

50 INT. BAR - NIGHT

TAD:

Did you see that?

BARRY:

What?

TAD:

Her. That look. She likes the

Ed guy better than she likes the

brother.

BARRY:

You're nuts.

TAD:

Okay, I'm nuts.

CUTS OF OTHER VIEWERS,

WATCHING REAL TV

A BEDROOM:

The COUPLE we met earlier are in bed, the wife is holding the

remote.

HUSBAND:

Give me the remote.

WIFE:

Just a few more minutes. Read

your book.

A LIVING ROOM:

A GAY COUPLE:

FIRST GUY:

What do you like about it? I

don't understand.

SECOND GUY:

I don't know -- it just

it's I don't know. Just let

me watch.

51 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - MORNING

"DAY THREE"

The ALARM goes off. Ed starts to scratch his balls, but stops

halfway down. He WINKS at the camera and starts his day.

52 EXT. EWS BUILDING

Ed comes outside and he's accosted by a GROUP of angry Polish

Americans, many of whom are carrying signs decrying Polish

jokes and anti-Polish attitudes. They SCREAM ANGRILY when they

see Ed. Ed is completely shocked. He runs back inside. He

locks the door, leaving Carlos outside. The demonstrators

attack Carlos.

53 INT. ED'S APARTMENT

Ed is at his kitchen table with several burly DEMONSTRATORS

arrayed behind him. Ed is NERVOUSLY, READING from a sheet of

paper while Carlos shoots.

ED:

... my "Polish acrobat" remark

was ill-considered. Although, I

meant no harm, I should have

recognized that such

(trouble with the next

word)

stigmatizing remarks bring pain

and anguish to...

He's having trouble reading the next word.

ED (CONT'D)

I can't read my own writing.

It's like Chinese --

(quickly backtracking)

It's not like Chinese! Chinese

is, I'm sure, a beautiful

language and they write ...

beautifully. It's not Chinese.

He wipes sweat away.

ED (CONT'D)

Jesus, I'm sweating like a

Mexican fruit-picker.

(realizes)

Oh, Christ!

QUICK CUTS of Ed, getting his laundry, doing some shopping,

getting his oil changed, all being shot by a CAMERA PERSON.

54 INT. DENTAL OFFICE

A YOUNG DENTAL HYGIENIST is cleaning Ed's teeth. The camera is

practically right in his mouth. It's making the Hygienist

NERVOUS. She's distracted. She hurts Ed. He SCREAMS. She

SCREAMS. She drops her tools.

HYGIENIST:

(near hysterics)

Can I have some room please?!

ED:

(talking with the

suction in his mouth)

Gi hu roo.

55 INT. TV STUDIO

It's an educational-type panel discussion involving various

eggheads and pundits. It's called "Viewpoint."

MODERATOR:

Let's change topics for a moment.

Does anybody have a viewpoint on

something going on now called "Ed

TV".

PANEL MEMBER #1

This, I believe, is a new low

point in American culture.

PANEL MEMBER #2

I agree. What it reveals is the

absolute creative bankruptcy in

the television business. What

they're saying, basically, is

"We're giving up. We have no

ideas."

PANEL MEMBER #3

It's worse than that! They don't

select someone with any talent,

or with something to say -- they

seem to celebrate the fact that

this guy is a boob. It's a

joyous celebration of boobery.

PANEL MEMBER #4

I think we've already spent far

too much time discussing this.

They all agree.

56 INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

OPEN ON Ray with chopsticks up his nose, imitating a walrus.

Also, he has lo mein noodles protruding from between his lips.

Ed is forcing a smile. Ray is wearing a tee-shirt that says

"Ray and Bucky- Video Kings" with a phone number.

57 INT. REAL TV OFFICE

Cynthia is alone working late. She's drinking. She's watching

Ray. She's not enjoying him.

ED (V.O.)

Ray, don't throw the shrimp,

you're gonna choke again.

CYNTHIA:

Choke to death, you boring

bastard.

58 INT. EWS BEDROOM - NIGHT

Ed is sitting up in bed, wearing shorts and a tee-shirt, eating

directly out of a cereal box.

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