Ed TV Page #7

TERRY:

The audience likes you when

you're moving.

ALICE:

Yes. Try not to stay in one

place too long. Get outside as

much as you can.

KEITH:

Also, we have some notions. Have

you thought about becoming a Big

Brother?

GREG:

Or coaching a Little League team?

FELICIA:

How about a date?

ED:

Are you asking me?

FELICIA:

No, I mean...

KEITH:

It's just, the ratings are still

soft.

LONG PAUSE:

ED:

(nervously)

Are you going to cancel me?

CYNTHIA:

Let's not worry about that vet.

ALICE:

You're testing well.

FELICIA:

There's another problem.

GREG:

It's ... Ray.

ED:

What about Ray?

GREG:

Well, the walrus impression -

delightful as it was -- is just

not wowing the audience. This is

some audience research.

He hands Ed a PRINTOUT. Ed doesn't know how to interpret the

figures.

ED:

What does this mean?

FELICIA:

It means they hate his freaking

guts. It means if he were on

fire they wouldn't put him out.

ED:

He's just ... trying a little too

hard --

CYNTHIA:

Ed, the audience can smell the

desperation coming through the

screen.

TERRY:

Could you... see him a little

less often?

ED:

How much less?

FELICIA:

Never would be plenty.

ED:

I can't do that to him. He's

pushing a little too hard -

but... I just can't do that to

him.

SILENCE:

ED (CONT'D)

He'11 be fine.

59 INT. CAR - DAY

"DAY FIVE"

Ed is driving slowly on a busy street. Suddenly an

EIGHTEEN YEAR-OLD BOY lands heavily on Ed's windshield. Ed is badly

startled. He can't see. He swerves and stops. The boy is not

hurt. He's banging on the windshield, waving at the camera.

Ed, furious, gets out.

60 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

ED:

What the --?!

BOY:

I'm on TV! I'm on TV!

Ed just stares in disbelief.

61 EXT. STREET - LATER

Ed is walking. PEOPLE YELL at him.

GUY:

Ed! Your show stinks!

The Guy LAUGHS like he really got in a good one. Ed ignores him.

TWO TEENAGERS run in, one has a camera and quickly snaps a

picture of Ed and the other Guy. Merrily, they shake his hand

and run off, whooping.

There are PEOPLE who trail along. Many of them will show up

again and again, throughout the movie, following Ed. Some of

them will look mentally or emotionally impaired.

62 INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT

QUICK SHOTS of Ed with CUSTOMERS - One or two show a bit of

camera-consciousness. A little group has gathered to observe

Ed's "show".

63 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY- NIGHT

Ed rings the bell.

ED:

(to the camera)

This is Ray's apartment. Ray's

got a big-screen TV and the

Knicks are playing in L.A.

tonight, so sometimes I come over

after I work late and we watch

the game here. He makes funny

comments. He's really a good

guy. He just...

RAY (O.C.)

Who is it?

ED:

It's me, Ed.

The door opens a crack, revealing Ray in a bathrobe. Ray's

look is unwelcoming.

RAY:

Hi.

ED:

You watching the ballgame?

RAY:

Uh, no, uh I'm a little tired.

I fell asleep.

ED:

Oh. All right. I'11 watch at

home, then.

RAY:

Yeah...

WOMAN (O.C.)

Ray, where do you keep the

glasses?

ED:

Oh, is Shari here? Why didn't

you just say so? Why are you

giving me a song-and-dance about

being tired?

ED (CONT'D)

(calls out)

Hi, Shari.

WOMAN (O.C.)

Who's Shari?

ED:

Who's --

Ray looks pained. Ed realizes what's happening and freezes

Ray's phone RINGS.

RAY:

Oh sh*t...

He turns to answer his phone, allowing the door to swing open

a little. Ed can see into the kitchen. He sees a WOMAN,

wearing just panties, facing away from him, searching for

glasses.

RAY:

(into phone)

Hello... Shari, hi... Oh no! ...

Oh God!

ED:

(to the camera)

We'd better go...

RAPID CUTS of VIEWERS loving this, some screaming "Don't go!,

don't leave, stay" etc.

BACK TO SCENE:

RAY:

(into phone)

No, honey, it's not what it looks

like--

She hangs up on him. He holds his head.

RAY:

Oh God ... Ed!

64 INT. HALLWAY

Ed is TIP-TOEING away. He stops when Ray calls him. Ray 'runs

out into the hallway after him. They speak with lowered

voices.

RAY:

That was Shari. She saw the

whole thing on TV--

ED:

What is this? What's going on,

who is that?

RAY:

(embarrassed)

It's the receptionist at one of

the places I service video

equipment -- she's very pretty

and, you know, she never even

talks to me and then today I come

in and she's all "I saw you on TV

the other night... You were so

great ... " Next thing I know

we're ...

ED:

Next thing you know! Why didn't

you stop?

RAY:

Stop? I'm a guy. I don't stop.

The woman's supposed to stop.

We're the gas, they're the

brakes.

WOMAN (O.C.)

(calls out)

Ray, I finished the Snapple.

RAY:

Fine!

WOMAN (O.C.)

Is there more?

RAY:

In the cabinet, but it's warm.

There's ice in the tray. I

(to Ed)

Talk to her.

ED:

I don't even know her. All I

know is she likes Snapple.

RAY:

No, not her. Shari. Go over

there and talk to her

65 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM

CYNTHIA:

Yes! Go!

She THROWS SOMETHING at the screen.

She PICKS UP the PHONE.

66 INT. HALLWAY

ED:

Why me?

RAY:

You brought the cameras here!

ED:

You brought the girl!

RAY:

Please!

ED:

If I go over to Shari, the

camera's going there, too.

The Camera Operators are vigorously nodding and mouthing "Yes, Go."

Ray is oblivious to this, but Ed picks it up.

RAY:

That's good. She'11 -- you know

control herself. Look. If I go

over there, she's just gonna slam

the door on me. Just go over and

beg her to talk to me, that's

all. Please. You owe me for

this!

Ed accepts the irony of Ray's attitude without comment

67 INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY- NIGHT

The door opens, revealing RITA, Shari's roommate.

RITA:

(nervously)

Um... Shari knew you were coming

over because she saw ...

ED:

Right, yeah --

RITA:

(apologetic)

She really doesn't want you and

the camera in here right now.

ED:

No, I understand. That's -

where is she, is she all right?

Rita isn't sure how much she should reveal.

RITA:

I ... gave her a drink. I thought

it ... but she's not much of a

drinker, so it's made her a

little... belligerent.

Shari appears in the doorway over Rita's shoulder. she's

holding a liquor bottle and she's a little drunk.

SHARI:

What do you want?!

ED:

(awkward)

Shari, I'm just really sorry.

Look, I know this is...

unbelievably awkward, but if I

could come in for like a second

and -- you know -- just say...

two words, then...

Shari indicates with her head, that Ed can come in.

Ed and Carlos enter. Rita shuts the door. Shari crosses to a

couch. Ed indicates for Carlos to give them some distance.

68 INT. CONTROL TRUCK

DIRECTOR:

Don't lose them, Carlos. This is

gold. Stay out of their way, but

get everything.

69 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT

Carlos settles across the room. He rests the camera down as if

he's not even shooting, but he's still guiding it where he

wants it throughout the scene.

RITA:

I'm gonna go to bed.

(to Shari)

You okay?

Shari shrugs.

RITA (CONT'D)

Good night.

She gives the camera a quick glance.

RITA (CONT'D)

(quickly, with a small

wave)

Hi, Mom.

(she exits)

ED:

Shari, Ray feels --

SHARI:

(starting to cry)

Don't defend that horse's ass to

me.

ED:

I'm not. I'm not. I'm just

Look -- you know, in a way, it's

good. He got this out of his

system now and he knows it's

not worth it and, you know,

someday if you guys got married

or something --

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