Ed Wood Page #14

BELA:

Eddie... my friend.

Aghast, Ed runs over.

ED:

Bela, what happened?!

BELA:

I didn't feel well...

ED:

Let me take you to the hospital.

BELA:

No hospital. Just take me to the

couch...

Ed nods. He picks up the old man and carries him across the

room to the couch. The large portrait of Bela, young and

robust, peers down.

ED:

Should I call a doctor?

BELA:

Nah. This happens all the time...

Ed puts a pillow under Bela's head.

ED:

Is there anything I can get you?

Water? A blanket?

BELA:

Goulash.

ED:

(distressed)

I don't know how to make goulash.

Ed sits next to him. An awkward pause.

ED:

What's in the needle?

BELA:

Morphine, with a demerol chaser.

(he starts crying)

Eddie, I'm so broke. I don't know

what I'm gonna do...

ED:

Don't worry. I'll do something.

CUT TO:

EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE - MORNING

Ed stands outside MGM, talking into a phone at the guard gate.

ED (on phone)

Mr. Feldman! I haven't been able to

get through, so I just showed up.

Yeah, out front! So, are we gonna

be working together?

(his face slowly falls)

Really? Worst film you ever saw...?

(beat)

Well, my next one will be better.

(beat)

Hello?

INT. ED'S HOUSE - DAY

Dolores tries to cheer up gloomy Ed. He's wearing angora.

ED:

I'm no good.

DOLORES:

Ed, it's just one man's opinion!

ED:

Bela needs a job... I can't even get

a film going...

(listless)

But of course I can't -- I made the

worst movie of all time.

DOLORES:

That's ridiculous.

Ed sighs.

ED:

All I wanna do is tell stories. The

things I find interesting...

DOLORES:

Well maybe you're not studio kind of

material. Maybe you just need to

raise the money yourself.

Ed looks up.

INT. BANK - DAY

Ed sits opposite a LOAN OFFICER.

ED:

The movie is called "Bride Of The

Atom"...

INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed continues, pitching to three DENTISTS in white coats.

ED:

...It will star Bela Lugosi. Each

of you would put up $20,000...

EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY

Ed stands at a busy intersection. He YELLS into a phone.

ED:

Yes, that's right. The Bela Lugosi.

He's still alive.

(beat)

Huh? Is he available Friday night?

Gee, I suppose so... Why?

cut TO:

INT. TV STUDIO - NIGHT

We're backstage at a '5Os variety show. It's exciting live TV:

Showgirls, techies, and cast members dart about in a state of

hyped-up tumult.

INT. DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME

Bela and Ed sit in his dressing room, running lines. Bela is

in his Count outfit: Cape, jet black hair, red lips, etc. They

both read off SCRIPTS.

BELA:

"Greetings. I am the Count."

ED:

"Greetings. I am Slick

Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure."

Audience laughs. Applause. "Say,

that's a funny place to sleep."

BELA:

"It is my home."

ED:

"Oh, tract housing, huh?" Laugh.

"You need a new real estate agent."

BELA:

"Beg to differ. This casket

incarpratates, er, inporporates --"

Ed interrupts.

ED:

No Bela, that's "incorporates." Look,

just say "This casket has..."

BELA:

(upset)

Ach! How do they expect a Hungarian

to pronounce this dialogue? This

live television is madness!

An ASSISTANT knocks and sticks her head in.

ASSISTANT:

Five minutes, Mr. Lugosi.

INT. BACKSTAGE - MINUTES LATER

Ed and Bela stand in the wings. Onstage is the SHOW HOST, a

cheesy comedian. He is doing a routine with Criswell, the

famed psychic who opened this movie. Criswell wears a tux and

a turban and is acting mysterious.

HOST:

And then what's gonna happen?

CRISWELL:

In 1960, the automobile will have

retractable wings, so it can fly.

HOST:

Sounds like a heck of a way to beat

traffic.

Audience LAUGHS. Criswell rubs his temples enigmatically.

CRISWELL:

By 1970, Man will have colonized

Mars. Millions of people will live

there.

Ed is mesmerized.

ED:

Wow! Ain't that something.

INT. STUDIO - LATER

We're out in the audience. The curtain rises on a SPOOKY SET:

Shadows, cobwebs, and a coffin in the center. The Host walks

onstage, to huge APPLAUSE. He's playing his "Slick" character,

a befuddled moron in a funny hat. The Host shines a flashlight

around, and then the coffin opens. Bela sits up. There's more

APPLAUSE.

BELA:

Greetings. I am the Count.

HOST:

Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz,

Seeker of Adventure.

The audience LAUGHS. Then APPLAUSE.

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