Ed Wood Page #15

HOST:

Say, that's a funny place to sleep.

BELA:

It is my home.

HOST:

Oh, tract housing, huh?

(he starts AD-LIBBING)

I guess I shouldn't complain about

my duplex in Burbank. What a dump.

Some places have a Murphy bed, this

place has a Murphy shower. I still

don't know where to hang the towels!

The audience HOWLS with laughter. Bela is totally lost. He

seems incredibly confused.

BELA:

Uh, beg to differ.

HOST:

"Beg to differ?!" Hey, I'm talkin'

about my duplex in Burbank!

BELA:

(terrified, groping)

Uh, Greetings. I am the Count...

BACKSTAGE:

Ed covers his face in embarrassment.

CUT TO:

INT. STUDIO HALLWAY - LATER

The Host angrily storms past.

HOST:

I told you we should've gotten

Karloff.

He exits. A door opens, and Ed and Bela quietly step out.

ED:

Bela, don't worry. You're better

than all this crap.

BELA:

(distraught)

I never said I could ad-lib...

ED:

Forget about it. We'll make our new

movie, and you'll be a star again.

They shuffle away... until Criswell and his snazzy ENTOURAGE

burst around a corner. Even in person, Criswell is ethereal

and quite self-important. He is delighted to see Bela.

CRISWELL:

Mr. Lugosi! It is an unparalleled

privilege to meet you. Allow me to

introduce myself... I am CRISWELL!

BELA:

(morose)

It's a pleasure...

CRISWELL:

Ah, cheer up! Don't lose heart over

what happened tonight.

(he points at his temple)

I predict that your next project will

be an outstanding success!

ED:

Wow.

CRISWELL:

And who may you be?

ED:

Edward Wood, Sir.

CRISWELL:

Ah. The director of "Glen Or

Glenda."

ED:

(startled)

H-how'd you know?!

CRISWELL:

I'm Criswell. I know all.

Criswell winks.

CUT TO:

INT. MOCAMBO ROOM - NIGHT

Latin horns blast onstage of this hopping '5Os nightclub.

Cigarette girls roam about. Seated at a front table is Ed,

Bela, and Criswell's group. Everyone's plastered and laughing.

Criswell shouts above the din at a WAITER.

CRISWELL:

Bring me two more Beefeater martinis.

Eddie will have another whiskey,

Dagmar's a Rum-and-coke, Moustapha

and King are chablis -- hey Bela,

would you like a wine?

BELA:

No. I never drink -- wine.

The whole table CRACKS UP. Bela cheers up. Ed turns to

Criswell.

ED:

Hey Cris, how'd you know we'd be

living on Mars by 1970? How'd you

know it wouldn't be 1975, or even

1980?

CRISWELL:

I guessed.

ED:

I don't understand.

CRISWELL:

I made it up. It's horseshit!

Ed's jaw drops.

CRISWELL:

There's no such thing as a psychic.

People believe my folderol because

I wear a turban and a black tuxedo.

ED:

It's that easy?

CRISWELL:

Eddie, we're in show biz! It's all

about razzle-dazzle. Appearances.

If you dress nice and talk well,

people will swallow anything.

Criswell smiles knowingly. Ed nods at this profound wisdom.

CUT TO:

EXT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT

We're outside the legendary hat-shaped restaurant. A large

Eldorado pulls up, and a CONSERVATIVE MAN and his PLUMP WIFE

step out and approach the DOORMAN.

CONSERVATIVE MAN

Excuse me. We're here for the Wood

party.

DOORMAN:

Ah, that would be in the Venetian

Room, sir.

The couple raise their eyebrows. They're impressed.

INT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT

A large banner says "BRIDE OF THE ATOM - NEXT YEAR'S SMASH

HIT!"

In a private back room, Ed is throwing a LAVISH BACKERS PARTY.

All his riff-raff friends are dressed in tuxedos and gowns,

strutting about with flutes of champagne like they're extras

in "The Great Gatsby."

Bewildered POTENTIAL BACKERS wander around. Ed shmoozes them.

ED:

We're gonna have the most terrifying

monster ever seen on film! A ghastly

creature created from an atomic

mutation!

BACKER'S WIFE

I don't like scary movies. I go more

for ones with love stories.

ED:

(without dropping a beat)

Well that's what this movie is...

a heartbreaking romance! It's about

a young reporter, Janet Lawton, in

love with a young cop, Dick Craig.

ACROSS THE ROOM:

Conrad and Paul sit in a corner. Conrad has a shoe off and is

scratching his foot. Ed alarmedly runs over.

ED:

What do you think you're doin'?!

CONRAD:

These shoes are itchy.

ED:

You can't sit! You gotta walk

around, with good posture. You want

these people to think we have class.

Otherwise they'll never invest in our

movie.

ACROSS THE PARTY

Two AMAZED BACKERS have their hands around Tor's giant arm.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote