Ed Wood Page #25

KARL:

This strudel is delicious, Mama.

Ed is stupefied. He picks at a little dainty serving.

TOR:

Hey! You're not eatink.

ED:

Uh, I don't have much of an appetite

lately.

TOR:

The food will make you feel bedder.

Look at me -- I'm da happiest guy I

know!

All the Johnsons CHUCKLE.

ED:

I'd be happy too, if I had such a

great family.

TOR:

Don't worry. You just haven't met

right woman yet.

(beat)

Oopsy. That cabbage goes right

through me.

Tor stands and hurries from the room. Ed awkwardly makes

conversation.

ED:

Greta, your husband is a terrific

actor. You should come down and

visit the set.

GRETA:

I don't think so.

ED:

No, it's really no problem at all!

GRETA:

(steely)

I do not approve of what you do with

my husband Tor. He is not a monster.

These horror pictures are

humiliating.

Ed has no response. Suddenly -- CRASH! There's a loud o.s.

SLAM, falling porcelain, then Tor SHOUTS FURIOUSLY in Swedish.

TOR (O.S.)

OUCH! GODDAMMIT!

Earl and Connie begin giggling. Ed is totally baffled.

Tor runs out, angrily holding a BROKEN TOILET SEAT. It is

split in two.

TOR:

Look, it happened again!

Ed is boggle-eyed. This house is sadness.

ED:

Tor, I should be getting home.

TOR:

Nonsense! You must try our hot glug.

DISSOLVE TO:

LATER:

It's very late. Tor and Ed sit in the living room, drinking

from a steaming pot of hot stilled wine. They are smashed.

TOR:

My friend, you tink Greta is first

woman I ever see? No! Many duds,

before I find her.

ED:

But I thought me and Dolores had

something.

TOR:

Forget her! Move on. A good lookink

boy like you as you can have any girl

you wish.

Tor finishes his glug, and then his eyes roll back into his

head, and he falls off the couch. He starts SNORING.

Ed stares at Tor, then gets up. Ed turns off the lights and

goes home.

CUT TO:

INT. ED'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT

Ed smokes a cigarette and watches TV.

ON THE TV:

Vampira is doing her shtick.

VAMPIRA (on TV)

Ooo! That was so scary, it gave me

goosebumps.

(someone QUACKS os.; she

pretends to be angry)

No, dummy! I didn't say "goose," I

said "goosebumps." Ugh! Well, be

sure to join me next week, for

"THE MUMMY'S CURSE." Until then...

pleasant nightmares.

Vampira blows a kiss, then disappears into the mist. A USED

CAR COMMERCIAL abruptly comes on.

ON ED:

He stares at the TV, then picks up the phone.

CUT TO:

INT. TV STUDIOS - SAME TIME

Vampira is walking off stage. She removes her black wig.

VAMPIRA:

God, we need some better jokes on

this show.

A PRODUCTION ASSISTANT carries over a phone.

ASSISTANT:

Vampira, you got a phone call.

VAMPIRA:

At this hour?

(she takes the phone)

Hello?

ED'S VOICE

Vampira! Hi, this is Ed Wood.

VAMPIRA:

Who?

ED'S VOICE

Ed Wood! You came to my party. I

directed "Bride Of The Atom"!

VAMPIRA:

Oh. Yeah. You.

Ed pauses, nervously.

ED'S VOICE

Well, I was wondering if maybe

sometime you'd like to go out, and

maybe grab some dinner.

VAMPIRA:

You mean like a date? I thought you

were a fag.

ED'S VOICE

ME?! No, uh, I'm just a

transvestite.

VAMPIRA:

Isn't that the same thing?

ED'S VOICE

No, no! I like girls. So how 'bout

Friday?

VAMPIRA:

(uncomfortable)

Look, you seem like a nice guy, Ed,

but you're just not my type.

(beat)

But keep in touch. Let me know when

your movie opens.

CUT BACK TO:

CLOSEUP - ED

Click. The phone hangs up. Poor Ed just stands there,

forlorn.

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Ed shuffles down the street, Mr. Lonely Guy, feeling sorry for

himself.

He glances in a coffee shop, and sees a sweet young woman

inside. Her name is NORMA McCARTY. She wears a bow in her

hair, Mary Jane shoes, and a fuzzy white angora sweater.

Ed's eyes widen.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - SAME TIME

Innocent Norma sits by herself, eating.

ED'S VOICE

Excuse me. Is that angora?

Norma looks up. Standing over her is Ed, smiling.

NORMA:

Why... yes.

ED:

Don't you think angora has a tactile

sensuality lacking in all other

clothing?

NORMA:

I suppose. It's very expensive.

ED:

It's made from specially-bred rabbits

that live in the Himalayas.

NORMA:

What are you, an angora wholesaler?

ED:

No, I work in pictures. I'm a

director-actor-writer-producer.

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