Ed Wood Page #33

ED:

The left. It's more natural.

(he squints at his script)

Hey, I've got a scene where the

aliens have the ultimate bomb. What

would that be made of?

KATHY:

Uh, atomic energy?

ED:

No. They're beyond that! They're

smarter than the humans. What's more

advanced?

KATHY:

Dynamite --

ED:

No, BIGGER! What's the biggest

energy??

KATHY:

The sun.

ED:

(ecstatic)

Yes! BINGO! Solar energy! Oh

that's gonna seem so scientific.

(he resumes TYPING)

This movie's gonna be the ultimate

Ed Wood film. No compromises.

Kathy suddenly jumps up, shocked.

KATHY:

Oh my God. Look at this!

She runs over and shows Ed the newspaper.

INSERT - THE NEWSPAPER

A small headline says "VAMPIRA REVEALED TO BE RED." Underneath

is the story:
"Channel 7 has fired popular horror hostess

Vampira, after learning of her suspected communist leanings..."

ON ED AND KATHY:

They're astonished.

ED:

Those a**holes.

KATHY:

The poor girl's out of a job.

ED:

Yeah...

(he looks up)

I should give her a call.

CUT TO:

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Ed and Kathy sit with a shaken-up Vampira.

ED:

I'm really sorry...

VAMPIRA:

It's terrible. People won't even

return my calls. It's like I don't

exist.

ED:

I know what that's like.

(he pulls out his SCRIPT)

Anyway, I brought a copy of the

script. You would play the "Ghoul's

Wife."

VAMPIRA:

(she grimaces)

The Ghoul's Wife?! God, I can't

believe I'm doing this...

KATHY:

You should feel lucky. Ed's the only

guy in town who doesn't pass judgment

on people.

ED:

(he laughs)

Hell, if I did, I wouldn't have any

friends.

Vampira smiles uncomfortably.

VAMPIRA:

Look... would it be possible to make

the "Ghoul's Wife" a little less

prominent, so people won't really

notice me in the movie?

ED:

You don't wanna be noticed?

VAMPIRA:

Exactly. Hey, how 'bout this -- what

if I don't have any lines? I'll do

the part mute!

Kathy suddenly sees someone.

KATHY:

Look, it's Dr. Tom.

(she SHOUTS)

Hey, Dr. Tom!

ED:

Who's Dr. Tom?

KATHY:

My chiropractor!

DR. TOM MASON, a tall, slender 35-year-old chiropractor,

strides over. He smiles.

DR. MASON

Kathy, how are you?! You're looking

in alignment today.

KATHY:

Actually, my neck's a little funny.

Dr. Mason grabs Kathy's neck and CRACKS it loudly.

ON ED:

Ed stares at the Doctor in astonishment. Ed is riveted.

ED:

Wait a second. Don't move!

Ed excitedly jumps up, takes his NAPXIN, and covers the

Doctor's face from the nose down.

ED:

It's uncanny.

VAMPIRA:

What's uncanny?

ED:

LOOK AT HIS SKULL!

CUT TO:

INT. BAPTIST CHURCH OF BEVERLY HILLS - DAY

Services are in progress. J. Edward Reynolds leads a CHOIR

singing an emotional SPIRITUAL.

Ed, Tor, Criswell, Paul, Conrad, Vampira, Kathy, Bunny, and Dr.

Tom Mason sit in back. They're all wearing white robes and

arguing about the doctor.

TOR:

He look nutink like Bela!

CONRAD:

He's kinds got his ears.

TOR:

You're stupid!

KATHY:

No, cover up his face.

Kathy lifts Dr. Mason's robe over his bewildered face.

CRISWELL:

Ah! Now I see it.

DR. MASON

(goofily imitating Bela)

"I want to suck your blood!"

Everybody CRACKS up. Ed waves his arms.

ED:

SHHH! We want these Baptists to like

us.

Like bad kids, they quiet down. Ingenuous Southern REVEREND

LYN LEMON speaks up front.

REVEREND LEMON:

Brothers and Sisters, we've reached

a special part of the service. The

baptism of our new members!

(beat)

If the congregation will oblige, we'd

like to adjourn and reconvene at Emma

DuBois's back yard.

EXT. BACKYARD - DAY

The straight-laced, devout CONGREGATION is gathered around a

large SWIMMING POOL. Reverend Lemon, Reynolds, and our misfits

stand in the shallow end, in their white robes.

Criswell whispers to Vampira.

CRISWELL:

Why couldn't we do this in the

church?

VAMPIRA:

Because "Brother Torî couldn't fit

in the sacred tub.

MONTAGE:

THE REVEREND BAPTIZES ED

REVEREND LEMON:

...Do you accept the Lord Jesus

Christ as your savior?

ED:

I do.

Reynolds DUNKS Ed in the water.

THE REVEREND BAPTIZES BUNNY

REVEREND LEMON:

...Do you reject Satan and all his

works?

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