Ed Wood Page #34

BUNNY:

(hiding a smirk)

I do.

Reynolds DUNKS Bunny.

THE REVEREND BAPTIZES TOR

REVEREND LEMON:

...Do you repent for all your sins?

TOR:

I do.

Tor winks slyly at Criswell.

Reynolds DUNKS Tor. But Tor slips from Reynolds' grasp and

sinks to the bottom of the pool.

REYNOLDS:

Oh my God, I dropped him --

Tor lies on the bottom, staring lifeinsly.

CRISWELL:

(mischievous)

I don't think he's coming up!

REVEREND LEMON:

Lord no! The man's drowning!

REYNOLDS:

(scared)

What do we do?!

REVEREND LEMON:

Help! HELP!!!

The whole Congregation starts JUMPING IN. Men and women in

their Sunday finest leap into the pool and start tugging on

Tor. But nobody can budge the big whale.

REVEREND LEMON:

(near tears)

Dear Jesus, please forgive us!

ON TOR:

He suddenly rises, Poseidon-like, from the pool.

Tor spits out water, then lets out a hearty BELLY LAVGH.

TOR:

Tor make good joke!

The Baptists aren't amused.

CUT TO:

INT. CITY BUS - MORNING

A bus drives along. Every PASSENGER stares at something up

front -- Vampira, in her slinky black outfit. She reads a

"Grave Robbers From Outer Space" script.

EXT. SCUMMY NEIGHBORHOOD - SAME TIME

The bus stops in a scary, run-down neighborhood. Vampira

off and warily looks around.

VAMPIRA:

This can't be the right address...

She nervously walks down a dingy alley. Vampira gets to an

unmarked grimy door, gulps, then slowly opens it...

INT. WAREHOUSE SOUNDSTAGE - DAY

And inside is the "Grave Robbers From Outer Space" famous

CEMETERY SET! The film is in production! Packed into a

stinking little studio are a few scrawny twigs, branches, and

flimsy cardboard tombstones set against a black drop.

Tot struts about gregariously, in his "Inspector Clay" suit.

He chats up the CREW.

TOR:

I am so happy! Finally I am star wit

dialogue! I memorized every wordt.

Eddie will be so proud!

The Baptists chase Ed around. They wave the script.

REYNOLDS:

Before we start shooting, Mr. Wood,

we have a few questions --

REVEREND LEMON:

The script refers on numerous

occasions to graverobbing. Now we

find the concept of digging up

consecrated ground highly offensive.

It's blasphemy.

ED:

(very annoyed)

What are you talking about?! It's

the premise of the movie. It's even

the title, for Christ's sake!

REVEREND LEMON:

(shocked)

Mr. Wood!

REYNOLDS:

Yes, about that title, it strikes us

as very inflammatory. Why don't we

change it to "Plan Nine From

Outer Space"?

Ed shakes his head.

ED:

That's ridiculous!

WIPE TO:

CEMETERY SET:

They're filming the COPS arriving at the pitch-black cemetery.

There's a prop police car, and an assistant blows fog in.

ED:

And, ACTION!

Tor steps onto the set

TOR (as Inspector Clay)

"Medicul eksaminer been aroundt yet?"

COP:

"Just left. The morgue wagon oughta

be along most any time."

TOR:

"You get statement frumk vitnesses?"

COP:

"Yeah, but they're pretty scared."

TOR:

"Findink mess like dis oughta make

anyone frightened. Have one of da

boyz take dem back to town. You

take jarge."

ON THE CREW:

Everybody grices, trying to understand Tor. The SCRIPT GIRL

shakes her head.

The Baptists angrily pull Ed aside.

REYNOLDS:

What'd you give him all the lines

for?? He's unintelligible!

ED:

Look, Lugosi is dead and Vampira

won't talk. Ihad to give somebody

the dialogue.

REVEREND LEMON:

That's not an answer.

WIPE TO:

ANOTHER SCENE BEING SHOT - LATER

As Inspector Clay, Tor wanders around the "cemtery," waving

his flashlight and nervously fingering his gun.

Ed grins at the Baptists.

ED:

See, no talking. Isn't he good?

(he grabs his MEGAPHONE)

CUE DR. TOM!

DR. TOM (o.s.)

Now?

ED:

YES, NOW! LURK HIM. AND BE SURE TO

KEEP YOUR FACE COVERED!

The door of a large paper-mache crypt creeps open. Dr. Tom

uncertainly steps out, impersonating Bela. He holds the cape

over his face and stalks Tor.

Ed is pleased as punch. He whispers to the Baptists.

ED:

Isn't it wonderful? Bela lives!

REVEREND LEMON:

Doesn't this strike you as a bit

morbid?

ED:

No, he would've loved it! Bela's

returned from the grave -- like

Dracula.

(he grabs the MEGAPHONE)

CUE VAMPIRA!

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote