Ellen DeGeneres: The Beginning Page #3

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He wouldn't get any tip,

I'll tell you that...

It took him forever

to get that veal anyway, so...

I decided an outdoor

coffee was not the place

to be spiritual, people

are too rude and stupid...

So I left...

I started walking to my car...

which was like three blocks away...

because the parking situation is crazy...

cause the world overpopulated

with the wrong kind of people...

and back to the loving place...

so I am walking and I see my car,

and I see a meter-mate standing at my car...

writing a ticket...

and I'm like:
"Oh, please, wait, stop,

please don't write the ticket, I am here. "

and she's like:
"I am sorry, but you're

parked illegally in

front of a fire-hydrant. "

and I like "Oh, illegally

in front of a fire-hydrant. "

And she is like:
"Please,

stop talking to me that way. "

And I am like:
"What way?"

It was fun... and so...

I said:
"Please, be compassionate,... "

don't give me the ticket, I'm here...

and she said:
"Oh, I'm sorry,... "

I've already started writing,

I can't stop.

Oh that's how, you've already

started writing, so you can't stop... OK...

Well,... I would not like to hit you, but

my fist is already in the air, OK?

and back to the loving place.

So I get in my car,

and I lit up a cigarette and prayed

to where I would be lead...

and I heard:
"Drive!", it was her...

And I'm like:
"Alright... "

So I start driving...

It is so hard to drive and

be compassionate and loving.

Cause the way people drive...

it's just enough to... I'm telling ya...

I was behind sb, they were going so slow...

I could had gotten out of my car

and walked around it going.

Sorry to have to pass you,

but you're going a little too slow.

Anyway, so I went to go around them

to give them the I-hate-you look.

How else are they gonna learn?!

It's up to us... so...

I went to go around them and it was...

a nun... can you believe that?!

I was like:
why don't you take

a vow no to drive...

drop it like a bad habit.

...and back to the loving place and...

again praying to where I would be lead...

Then I see a health-food store just

right there, appears right before my eyes.

That seems spiritual, I have never been

in a health-food store before...

I don't know, if you've ever

been in a health-food store,

but hey, if this is healthy,

sorry, don't wanna be it.

Oh, I aspire to be you... uhm...

They are so proud of themselves, too...

Guess how old I am!

I don't know...

Guess how old I...

30?

I am 16, but the point is

I've never had diary...

OK, whatever,...

They think they know it all.

Let me see your tongue..

What?

Let me see your tongue...

You're full of toxins.

I said:
"You are full of toxins,

what a stupid thing to say to me?"

I needed a herb...

for st inside,

I mean like a spleen or something

that is inside...

Cause st needed st...

because of st that happened... and so...

they do this thing called kinesiology...

they put the herbs in your hand

and if your arm goes down, you need that...

which is so... stupid,...

it sounds stupid, but

but it's not, it works, I tell you what,

because last week I was in Gucci,...

and I had a sweater in my hand

and it went right down.

Couple of minutes earlier I had a dress

in my hand and it didn't go down at all...

Don't need it...

So anyway, so then he said...

he, she... I don't know, what it was...

It's name was Earth Spirit...

Was that a boy's name?

Earth Spirit is all like:

"You need some wheat grass juice. "

And I was like:
"Wheat grass juice,

do I need a sprout wrap, too?"

He said:
"Youre aura is brown.. "

I said:
"Youre aura is brown,

what a stupid thing to say to me?!"

We're gonna have to

call the security guard...

Oh, the health-food security guard,

what is his name? "Whispering Pine"?

Why, is meat breath offending you?

So anyway, they kicked me out,

I left... and...

So I'm driving again...

back to the loving place and

praying to where I would be lead..

and then it hit me:

You're out of rum...

If you're quite, it'll come...

So I went to the liquor store and...

no parking ever, you know,...

so I had to park across the street

in some parking-lot,

because again... you know...

wrong kind of people...

So I am going to liquor store getting

the rum and a pack of smokes...

and some rolling papers...

Peace!

So I come out and go to my car...

Parking attendant standing

right next to my car

He wasn't there, when I got out...

parking attendant standing right there

Oh, you can't park here

for that establishment.

You must go in here and purchase st

and get validated...

I said:
"Please, be compassionate, idiot. "

"No, you have to go in here... "

Anyway,... it looked like

a spiritual type place:

It was called "Pleasure Chest",

or st like that..

Some type of toy store, I would guess...

unsafe toys...

cause I'd been playing with some of them...

this pogo stick is going to hurt sb...

I don't know...

who... is gonna..

it's bad... on your back...

and it's...

not sturdy...

so...

that's what I was thinking..

Anyway... I had to get st...

and it was getting late..

I didn't wanna deal with the traffic

and have to get into the car-pull lane.

So I bought a blow-up doll,

which they had...

I don't know,

if I didn't blow it up properly, or...

Anyway, it was deflating,

it was loosing air... that's the...

And so, I had to pull over

on the side of the road and...

why they put the valve

in the crouch area, I don't know.

It's silly...

it's what it is

blowing up...

So there I am on the side of the road...

Linda... I named her...

That's when there is

a knock at the window...

and it's a cop of course...

And I thought, OK...

This does not look good at all..

And it does not help matters any

that I am naked..

Now, I'll tell why that is..

Well, if you are going

to buy a blow-up doll,...

before warned that

they do not come with clothes...

I don't know, what that's about,

but there is no clothes or anything...

You can't ever dress them up...

So I thought, I am not gonna

look like a crazy person,

driving around with a naked passenger.

I am not STUPID...

So there I am NAKED...

Well except for the harness,

but forget about the harness...

and the captain's hat

and the paddle and so.

There I am on the side

of the road getting handcuffed...

in my harness and a captain's hat

and a paddle holding Linda...

and the cop said:

"You have the right to remain silent. "

I was like:

"Finally, that's what I've been... "

looking for all along...

It is hard to find the silence, isn't it?

just hard..

Even when it's silent, it's not silent...

Even at night, when you are

trying to go to sleep...

just quiet..

Your head just doesn't stop,

Your brain just goes and goes...

?all these nuns, equator;

fragmented, weird thoughts?

that just pop in you head,

that is when you find at

how boring, YOU actually are.

It's just you, just your thoughts...

you're trying to go to sleep

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