Elsa & Fred Page #6

- What's the matter now?

Okay.

They missed us.

Oh, you're out of your mind, woman.

First step, second step, six steps.

I do all I can to keep up with you,

and you're totally off your rocker!

- Oh, Fred, come on. Everything is fine.

- Yeah, but why didn't you just pay?

Because it was a beautiful evening.

It was priceless, and when something

is priceless, what is there to pay?

Oh, my God. I don't feel good.

- What?

- Oh, no. Elsa, I can't breathe.

My left... my left arm hurts.

- Fred, come on, please.

- Get me to a hospital.

- You're all right.

- No, get me to a hospital! Please!

- Please let's not fight.

- I know I'm going to have a stroke.

- I just know it.

- Oh, of course. Okay.

I'm going to spend the rest of my life

drooling in a wheelchair. Oh, God.

I've reviewed all your tests.

Everything looks normal.

Tell me did you... have anything to

drink tonight or eat any rich foods?

- Experience any strong emotions?

- All of the above, and under two hours.

Well, I'm going to give you

something to help you relax.

Go home and go straight to bed.

- He will.

- If this lady will let me.

Ma'am, your husband's just a

little stressed. He needs to rest.

My husband? Oh, yes. He is...

We've... marriage is such a long thing.

He is so boring that I have

to shake him up every...

The wives... they're insufferable

from the start!

- Here you go.

- Pills. Thank you.

How adorable. Even after all these years,

they still want to fight and make up.

Well, this is where I found you,

and this is where I...

I will be leaving.

- How's the old ticker?

- Oh, it's better.

If you wait two more seconds,

I'm going to go.

It is too soon for me to ask

if I could sleep here tonight?

To sleep?

What step's that?

I've lost count.

Good morning.

Yup, it's morning.

It's not a so-so date.

- You play sublimely.

- No. So-so.

Sublimely.

Hello, armande. How's your arm?

It's...

Dad? Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

- Dad? What are you doing?

- Taking a bath.

- Are you okay?

- What's it look like?

I've just never seen you

take a bath at this hour.

Ooh, stop the press. Hold the frontpage.

"Man taking bath in afternoon."

And...

- What's this?

- A pair of shoes.

Is it Laverne's?

Oh, I bet it's that woman

who lives across the hall!

Dad... what are you doing?

I'm doing what I should

have done years ago.

Now, would you mind leaving me

and closing the door behind you?

- Does John know?

- It's my life, Lydia!

If I want to stop taking pills,

I'll stop taking pills.

If I want to have a bath in the afternoon,

I'll take a bath in the...

Oh, and while we're on the subject,

I've found Laverne a new job.

If you want, go down to the lobby.

She'll explain everything.

But why... but why, Dad?

You're acting like a baby.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Door!

Got a snap in my fingers

Snap my fingers

Got a rhythm in my walk

Rhythm in my walk

As the elephants say

Living in a great big way

On this CD, every song is this song.

Alec made it for me.

I love it. It's so stimulating.

It's like pouring caffeine into your ears.

You're crazy.

- You're a crazy, insane, beautiful woman.

- I know.

Keep a snap in my fingers

Yeah, we're going to need more tomatoes.

We'd better write it on the...

write it down on the board.

These canvasses represent my

dreams of the last few years,

and I'd like to share them with you.

I'd like to open the show with my

favorite creation... "Explosion... "

She's here.

Sorry we're late.

My car was in the shop.

"Explosion of pain."

Enjoy.

- This is my boyfriend, Fred.

- Oh, hello.

This is my eldest, Raymond.

And his wife, Laura.

- Oh, Laura.

- Hi.

- Can I get you a drink?

- Yes, thank you.

Remember when he was small

and he would do those drawings?

I found them absolutely enchanting.

And you, on the other hand,

you liked arithmetic.

Fred?

- Fred, I've heard a lot about you.

- Yes, this is him.

- So what do you think?

- Oh, it's very...

intense. I have to tell you

that I admire your dedication

as a man as much as an artist.

All alone with five kids.

That's got to be very difficult.

I don't have any children, Fred.

Raymond is the family man,

but he's only got one.

A daughter.

Oh, that must be poor little April.

Fred?

I just can't believe you!

You embellished everything.

That story about those

children was heartbreaking!

But, Fred, if a story has to be sad,

it has to be really, really sad.

I couldn't settle for a so-so sad story.

You know, it excited my imagination.

Hey, grandma! Hey, gramps!

Why don't you two go tuck yourselves in?

You keep out of this, sonny boy!

Now, look, why... why didn't

you just tell me the truth?

Were you afraid that I was going

to ask for the money back?

I'll give it all back to you.

Yeah, well, the money was

for Alec's show, wasn't it?

But what is the problem with

a few things not adding up?

If you told me tomorrow that Lydia was

not your daughter, I wouldn't care.

All right, all right. Okay, okay.

Let's forget the whole thing and start over.

- Yeah.

- All right.

What else have you told

me that wasn't true?

- Nothing.

- Oh, you sure?

Yes. Positive. A hundred

percent sure. This is my Fred.

- This is how I like you.

- Well...

Why didn't you tell me about Fred?

Do you like him? He's handsome?

Well, what's going on? I mean...

What purpose does it serve at this point?

Are you trying to tell

me that I'm too old?

No, I'm... I'm trying to tell you

you're being irresponsible.

Oh, that's odd, coming from somebody

who's been married three times.

The purpose is...

we make each other so happy.

Does he know you're sick?

No. And it's your head if you tell him.

Okay. Now, tell me I'm beautiful.

You're beautiful.

Almost.

Is the car right outside the front door?

Why? Why are you so

nervous all of a sudden?

- So what are you drawing there?

- Just drawing a little heart.

- Oh, you're all dolled up.

- My daughter's birthday.

- Mom...

- Hi, Fred.

He's your boyfriend.

Why don't you invite him?

Oh, he wouldn't be

interested in this, honey.

Children screaming all over the

place and junk food and balloons

and vomit everywhere. No, no, no.

You've got better things to do.

- Well, actually, I don't.

- Well, good then. It's settled. Come on.

All right. Thanks.

- Are you upset that I came?

- No. Not at all.

- Oh. You sure?

- I'm positive.

- You're looking kind of strange.

- Well, I am strange.

Oh, Alec!

- Oh, good to see you again, sir.

- Good to see you.

- Is this your gift to her?

- "Country morning."

Seemed like the most appropriate

painting for a girl of her age.

How is this appropriate

for her age, Alec?

- Is that a dead duck?

- Yes.

Yes, it is. It'll be worth

crazy money in a few years,

and she could sell it and buy

all the weed she can smoke.

Okay, come on, everyone. Let's...

Let's do the photograph now. Fred? Yeah.

Mom, come on. Come on. Come on.

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