Employee Of The Month Page #5

All right, well,

what was your first impression of me?

That you were just that guy that has been

skating by for the past 10 years.

Probably still lives with his mom.

Ouch, me? No. No, no, no, no.

I do not live with my mom.

All right then, let me ask you.

Why are you still a box boy?

There is an answer to that. But...

But what?

No, it's okay, it's all right. Just listen.

- Have you ever kissed a boy?

- No. But I have thought about it.

Sir!

- What is it?

- I've got bad news.

Well, spit it out, Dirk.

Apparently, your brother,

Glen Ross, is on his way here.

He wants to do a quick audit.

Jesus! No.

I know.

Okay. Okay. That's fine.

We're fine. Right?

The only problem is that we just lost Janet

on check stand three.

- Her shift is about to begin.

- Where is she? Go find her.

Lost as in dead, sir.

She passed away last night.

So, she's not coming in then?

I don't think so, sir.

Oh, God and Jesus. Rest her soul.

Call an emergency staff meeting. Now.

- Don't lollygag!

- Yes, sir.

I've called you in here for two things.

First of all, the girl on check stand 13

has passed away.

- Oh, my God, Mary's dead!

- I don't believe it.

- Oh, Lord, why?

- Sir, it's Janet from three.

Sorry, I meant Janet on three.

- Oh, thank God!

- Thank God.

But my big brother, Glen Ross,

is coming in today

- to see how we're all doing.

- Corporate.

And, yes, he can be very intimidating.

But don't let him get to you.

Do not let him get to you.

It's just his way.

So, we cannot let the lines

get above 25 shoppers. Okay, people?

We really need everybody to just step it up.

That's impossible. We're short one checker

and it's a Saturday.

Nobody panic.

We are out of options, people.

I'll do it.

Oh, God.

I'll work check stand number three.

- Is that legal?

- Yeah. Actually he can, yeah.

Great, Zack.

We'll toss you into training immediately.

- You can't be serious.

- Yeah.

He will never be ready by next shift.

I mean, you can't just walk in off the street

and do what we do.

It takes years and years of training.

I mean, let's just let him

perform a tracheotomy while we're at it.

I mean, this is ridiculous.

I am up against a wall!

Hey, how you doing?

Are you okay, sir?

I've never seen you like this before.

Well, you don't know what it's like, okay,

to come home from school every day

and have your big brother

physically torture you, day in, day out.

It was awful.

- Well, I'm sure he's changed, sir.

- No, he's worse.

He can be so emasculating.

And I don't appreciate you siding with him.

- I'm not siding with him.

- You just did.

- I didn't, sir.

- Well, good.

Bigger smile.

Make a note, old guy should be older.

Straighten that tie.

Get back to work.

- Hello, sir, how are you? Nice to see you.

- Hi. How are you?

Check his receipt on the way out.

You, grab a rag now. Now!

- Little brother.

- Hey, there.

Bend over.

Like you haven't heard that before.

- I really don't think that it's appropriate...

- Come on, get down here.

- Please don't...

- Come on, get down here.

- Please.

- Come on. Come on.

Who's your boss? Who's your boss?

I am, aren't I?

You are. You are.

- Good to see you!

- It's great to see you.

It really is.

So what brings you in here, so early?

I thought you were only coming in

for the banquet.

I want to make sure you're running

this place up to my standards.

I don't wanna have to get rid

of my own kin.

- Lines look a little long.

- No, no, no. Never more than 25.

Nice to meet...

Damn it! What the frick is going on?

- I am going over your head.

- Vince.

- I got two.

- Hey, Zack.

Here's your new cashiers' lounge card.

You just slide it in the machine

and you'll get full access.

Great.

Thanks. Thanks, Dirk.

Slide 'em in.

They gave me one of those stupid cards

with the slide thing.

- Like I'd ever use that.

- Congratulations on the star, man.

- What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?

You can't tell the guys

that I shop here, okay?

Because I'm pretty picky about what I eat.

Zack, honey, I can't seem to find

the Smooth Move laxative tea.

Yeah, it's over in

the disgusting section, Grandma.

You must be the big-eared girl.

- This, Amy, is my beautiful grandmother.

- Nice to meet you.

I'll meet you outside. Don't be late.

- Boy, is she smoking hot.

- Don't listen, right now, please.

So you don't live with your mom, huh?

I never said anything

about my grandmother.

Now, can we please finish

this conversation in organic vegetables?

Yeah.

Ten years ago, I had a start-up, a dot-com.

And I had a computer, I had a product,

I even had a PO box at Mail Boxes Etc.

- You? Come on.

- I know, right.

I was a hotshot straight out of college,

and I thought I knew everything,

- but, boy, was I wrong.

- What happened?

Borrowed a lot of money to get it started,

and then I lost it all.

People know there's a risk.

Except for my grandmother,

who didn't have the money to risk.

That's why she kind of lives with me now.

After that I thought I'd do something

with a little less responsibility.

You know, something that

wouldn't jeopardize anybody's future.

Except your own.

Yeah, thanks, Dr. Phyllis. I get your point.

Zacky, what's my PIN number?

Now we got to change it again.

Anyway, I got to get going.

I'll see you later.

- See you.

- Bye.

I'm a professional.

Ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four, three, two...

It's free then.

We're going to need some insurance...

- That's not good.

- Yeah. Should I help him?

- Yeah, go ahead.

- Okay.

Are you okay, Vince?

Am I losing it?

What could she possibly see in him?

Well, apparently they have a lot in common.

And they even finish

each other's sentences.

What? Where did you hear this?

Why haven't you told me about this?

I knew it had to be something.

Everybody knows, home slice.

Well, I'm going to have

to turn this up a notch.

Push, push, push.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.

- Boss?

- I got it.

Save your energy.

Don't cry, okay? I'll cry for you, okay?

Get someone who speaks English.

Oh, hey. I didn't see you sitting there.

- You didn't?

- No.

Oh, my God, we ordered the same thing.

How serendipitous.

- How are you?

- Good. It's all good.

All right, well, my break's over,

so I'm gonna

- take off.

- Take a dump?

- Excuse me?

- Nothing. I didn't say anything.

- Are you feeling all right?

- All... Okay?

Jinx, you owe me a Coke or...

- You can't talk till I...

- What?

- It's a jinx.

- Bye.

Buy low, sell high.

That's not what you were gonna say.

- I'll see you later.

- See you later, alligator.

Okay.

What are we gonna do then?

My brother is gonna flip out.

You gotta find a place to put those pallets.

I've checked the entire store, sir.

There isn't room available anywhere.

We can't afford to send these back, okay?

It will kill our margins.

You don't have a big brother.

You don't know what it's like

getting hit in the shins with a little cane.

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