Endless Bummer Page #4

remember?

# This place is comin'

like a ghost town #

We need gas.

# Bands won't play no more #

# Too much fighting

on the dance floor #

Hey, Sparky.

What's up?

I challenge you

to a sponge war.

All right, you bastard,

show me what you got.

God, I can't wait to

get outta here next month.

I know.

Parsons's gonna be so cool.

You'll be in New York, and meanwhile,

I'll be at UC Santa Cruz.

Oh, but you'll like it,

Annie. You'll love it.

You'll meet some guy,

an intellectual who surfs.

You'll fall in love, get married,

have babies, grow old, fade out.

You make it sound so boring.

- Are you kidding?

I wish I could do that.

I'm... I'm too psychotic.

You got nothin'. Huh?

Come on.

Ah, but you'll be in New York.

Your life is gonna be so awesome.

I mean, I hope so. I just can't wait

to visit all the places I've read about.

You know, like C.B.G.B.'s.

I wonder who's playing there now.

Oh, Max's Kansas City where Lou Reed and

the Velvet Underground played with Nico.

Grace Church, where Allen Ginsberg

and Jim Carroll read their poetry.

Someday I just really hope

I meet Laurie Anderson.

Um, who's that?

You know. She has that song, "Oh, Superman."

- I don't know it.

Yeah.

- Whoa, whoa. Hey, whoa.

Whoa, what?

##

Yes. Yes, it is.

- Oh. Oh, yeah.

Whoo.

Oh, gasoline.

- Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Hey!

- Here we go.

- Why are they doing that?

Uh, they lost a bet

to Lardo's cousin,

so now every time they

hear that song, this ensues.

Just like that!

That's the dumbest f***in'

thing I've ever seen.

F***in' jerkin' La Lumbie!

Yeah, all right!

Hey. Hey, Mike.

- Yeah.

You all right?

- Yeah.

# This town is comin'

like a ghost town #

# This town is comin'

like a ghost town #

There it is.

This is the part where

they cut to outside the car...

and we see, like, this

jerky point-of-view thing.

And there's this guy

dragging his foot.

He's creepin' up on the car,

and we don't know it,

but he's got a steel hook

for a hand.

Whee!

- Shut up.

- Just save it.

- All right, seriously. What's the plan here?

- Torch the place.

- Sparky. Down.

What if we sneak around the

house and look in the windows?

You're such a perv.

- That ain't a perv thing.

This is James Bond

sh*t here.

No, no, no.

We get a brick, cover it in a towel,

douse it in gasoline, set in on

fire and chuck it through the window.

That's a bit extreme,

Sparky.

One more.

- One more what, Mike?

- One more beer.

Yeah.

All right.

So assuming our information's

correct, my surfboard's in that house,

in his car,

or he hid it someplace.

Oh, my God. Just do something... anything.

- How 'bout that?

Knock on the door.

Totally.

Uh... Hi, sir.

My name's J.D.

Uh, these are my friends,

and, well, it seems...

We're here 'cause

there's a problem with...

Do you have a son?

You see, my board

was stolen today, and...

Well, we think that

maybe Brian...

That-That's his name, right?

That Brian kind of... Well, that

he was the one who stole it, and-

We got a license plate

from an eyewitness.

And we're pretty sure that

he's the one who stole my board.

But maybe we got it wrong.

It's okay.

Hello.

Dude, you got it!

Yeah. It was right there

in his room.

That was, like, too easy, man.

We should just get outta here, bro.

No. We're not goin'

anywhere yet.

There's one thing I hate

worse than a liar.

And that's a thief.

I need to apologize.

My son's done a bad thing here,

and I can understand you all being upset.

- What's your name?

- Mike Mooney.

Well, Mike Mooney, I suppose you have

an idea of how you'd like to handle this.

I think we'd like

to handle it ourselves.

My son stole a surfboard.

He didn't kill anyone.

It's understood.

All right. What's up with you?

- Nothing.

Come on, Iris.

I know you better than that.

What's goin' on?

- What?

Don't "what" me.

What's goin' on?

There's nothing

going on, Anne.

Iris. Speak to me.

I know the guy. Okay?

I know him.

You what?

- You got it back. Right on.

- That's awesome!

That was too easy.

Yeah. Now what the f***

do we do?

Why don't we just,

you know, go home?

What? What?

- No, no, no, no, no.

F*** that, J. D!

We came all the way out to this Valley.

We gotta do something to

this f***ing guy! Come on!

Come on, J.D.

You got your surfboard back.

There's still time to go

back to the Shelburn house.

Imagine the look on everyone's face

when you come back with the board.

No! Shh! No.

Getting the board back is only half the journey.

- Totally.

You know what you

gotta do, right?

I mean, you gotta

find this guy.

And scare the living

sh*t out of him.

Okay, great.

Um, so what

do we do now?

I don't know.

I'll know it when I see him.

That's it? We're just gonna

wait here until he comes back?

You don't get it, do you?

I can't walk away from this.

I gotta- I gotta either

wait here till he comes,

or I gotta go

find the guy.

That's it.

- That could take forever.

Do you know how f***ing huge

this city is?

He's at Buffalo Records

in Tarzana. He works there.

At least that's-that's where

he worked when we were dating.

You dated this guy?

Iris.

He wears pants.

- Idiot. You have pants on.

- That's completely different.

He gave me records, okay?

It lasted for, like, 10 minutes.

And then I dumped him,

and he got all freaky.

I didn't know he would do something like this, J.D.

- I'm sorry.

Okay? I'm- I'm really sorry.

Studies have shown

that acts of revenge...

actually trigger a response

in the brain's pleasure zones...

like, um, when you eat

or you have sex.

Really?

- Yeah.

And where did you get

this tidbit of information?

- Uh...

Maybe it was in the American Journal of

I Don't know What the F*** I'm Talking About.

Ho-ho.

So, how shall we

do this?

Just take it nice

and smooth.

All right.

I can be smooth.

Okay. I will be with you

in one second.

That's it!

That's it right there!

That would

be nice.

That's him! That is him!

- Go for the door!

Hey, guys, be careful.

We're comin'

through the door!

F*** you!

You're gonna

f***ing die!

Open the door, a**hole!

Go f*** yourself, motherf***er!

I'm gonna f***ing kill you!

I'm gonna f*** you up, bro!

F*** you!

I got it!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Sparky, put the f***ing

rock down!

He'll call the cops.

Fellas... Bros,

guess who's calling the cops.

I'm gonna kill you!

Get in the f***ing car!

- I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gonna f***ing...

- Let's go. Go, go, go!

- Sparky, get in the car!

Cocksucker! I'm glad

I dumped your sorry ass!

- Once you f*** with me, I don't stop!

- F***ing a**hole!

F*** you!

You better sleep

with one eye open!

Sorry, guys.

Oh, it's amazing what someone

will do to get the latest hit.

It looks like the only hit

they wanted was on you, Brian.

It's...

How did we do?

- Uh, not so smooth.

What do we do now?

Beer!

Beer!

Pierpont Vodka, huh?

- Yep.

- That's imported, right?

- Sure.

I hear them crazy Russkies

make this sh*t out of potatoes.

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