Endless Bummer Page #5

Yeah. I'm gonna need

to see some ID.

Yeah.

- Just kidding.

Thanks a lot. There you go.

Can you change four bucks?

Need some help?

- I got it. Have a good day.

Happy New Year, chief.

- Come on, baby.

How's it goin'?

- Hey. Kenny.

So, uh... Yeah, I see this

bitchin' wave comin' in.

And it's, like, pitchin' over.

I'm, like, scratchin' for the outside, like-

I'm goin' like this.

And it's, like, pitchin', and then

it slams me on the ground, man!

And I'm, like, whoa!

Getting worked, dude.

And then... Do you surf?

- No.

Hey, man, I do this thing

with my hair.

It's killer, bro.

- Ready?

So you're

from Ventura then?

Yeah.

- Yeah, I can tell.

- These are 69 cents here?

- Yep.

In Ventura,

they're 49 cents.

Hmm. Then you should go

buy one in Ventura.

Man, what kind of lifestyle

do you live?

That's insulting.

Have a beer with Fear, boys.

- Yeah.

Yes!

You guys aren't

gonna believe this.

- Mooney went with the guys to find J.D.'s board.

- Wasn't he in 'Nam?

No, but he saw

Apocalypse Now, like, nine times.

Hey, everybody!

Listen up!

Those guys make it back with the

board, we're lettin' 'em on the deck.

Bitchin'.

Whoo! Thanks, Santa!

Yeow! Ha-ha!

I don't get it.

This guy dated you,

and you dumped him.

Why'd he steal my board?

I didn't do nothin' to him.

I have-

I have no idea, J.D.

I told you.

He's just a freak.

So, this is the most exciting

stakeout I've ever been on.

It's like a surf contest

with no swell,

and everyone's just sitting there

waiting for something to happen.

Not the West Coast

Invitationals.

You goin' to that, Mike?

- No. I'm out.

What? Why? You killed it

last month at Pismo.

Killed it.

Dude, I finished 34th.

Comes a time to move on.

I surf for the fun of it

and shape for the love of it.

So, I was just thinking.

You know, in a couple months,

summer's gonna be over.

So what?

That always happens.

So? We're all out

of high school now.

Some of us are gonna

go to college and...

get jobs,

start doing adult stuff.

Yeah, and sh*t

that we hate.

Look, all I'm saying is,

you know,

things are gonna be...

different now.

Man!

I hate this sh*t.

Start talkin' about

the future,

gettin' all high

and serious.

Sh*t. I don't know what

I'm gonna do in an hour.

Yeah, and that's

really f***ed.

What are you saying, Anne?

A lot of people, they stay in

Ventura, keep partying, surfing.

People like who... Harry, you know,

who gets kids to steal beer for him?

Great f***in' role models, J.D.

You think we should

buy into this sh*t-

that we should start workin'

and wearin' pants?

Is that it, huh?

Buying insurance.

Or get a vacuum cleaner

and sh*t?

Yeah?

You really think that this

is all there is to life?

Maybe.

If I thought that, I would

so f***ing kill myself.

You don't have to,

you know?

You don't have to buy

a vacuum cleaner.

What choice do you have,

Mooney?

We need more beer.

- I'll go.

Me too.

- Yeah.

Are you okay?

Will you help me, Lardo?

Those guys are acting

like such guys tonight.

Yeah.

This pot's having,

like, no effect.

Um, you just gotta give it

some time to kick in, you know?

Careful, dude.

I'm thinkin'

about Iris.

Anne's goin' to college.

Probably meet some guy.

Iris is movin'

to New York.

How do you guys

do that anyways?

Do what?

- Get chicks and all, man.

Easy. Just put

your hand here...

inside their leg.

And then you just slide it up.

Slide it up.

It works every time,

man.

Yeah. Feels pretty good.

Not your own leg, man.

The chick's.

- Oh.

Well, Lardo says apple

wine works pretty good too.

It's like... It's just

like driving a car.

What would you do if you were

gonna go on a long road trip...

with... La Lumbie?

Mmm, get in,

start 'er up...

and take off.

Go.

God, no. Listen.

You gotta... You gotta

sweet-talk her a little.

Give 'er a little loving,

a little nurturing.

You baby her a little.

You check her, um-

You check her fluids-

make sure there's enough lubrication.

You kick the tires...

make sure your rubber is good.

When you feel confident

and ready,

you slide

in the driver's seat.

You tickle the starter

and you turn her over.

Then you...

You slip it into drive...

and you gently...

start to push her forward.

And then

you're on your way.

But that's when you have to...

you have to listen to her,

really start

to pay attention.

And as she starts to warm up, her temperature

starts to rise, that's when you know,

you know, you can...

you can pump her a little harder.

You know?

And she'll let you know.

When she's ready, she'll-

she'll start to hum.

And when she starts to hum,

you go pedal to the metal,

as hard as you can

for as long as you can.

That's... That's

when it's good.

That's when it gets,

you know-

That's, like,

you're a machine...

on the open back road

somewhere in America...

with nothing but, like, forest or

cornfields on either side of you,

with stars and sky and-

And no traffic lights. There's

no coppers. There's no worries.

That's as-

That's as good as it gets.

That's...

That's being a man. That's heaven

on earth is what that is.

What does all that have

to do with gettin' women?

That-

You don't have to worry

about it for a long time,

um, Sparky.

All right.

Where's the turn?

It's coming, I-I think.

It's either coming, or we passed it.

- What?

Turn here. Turn here!

- Okay, okay!

Take the back streets,

all right?

Okay. Valley View.

Valley Lane.

Valley Drive.

Great.

They're all the same

stupid name.

Damn. We're gonna miss it.

Miss what?

- The fight.

Lardo, you are so busted.

You wanna see the fight.

Yeah. I kind of do.

Okay. Where are we?

Lost. Totally,

completely lost.

I'm leally, leally lost.

Loh, ly Lod!

Li'm lost lin lels!

Not funny, Lardo!

What have you

done to her?

All right, what

just happened?

Well, I think

we're out of gas.

You just filled it up.

I only put one dollar in.

Doomed.

We're all doomed.

Whoa.

- Whoa, what?

- You hear that?

I don't hear sh*t.

That's just it.

You can't hear the ocean.

That's weird.

You can't hear it.

You can't smell it.

Yeah.

Whoa. Sh*t.

You proud of yourself,

Brian?

What got into your head?

Stealing... I know I didn't teach you that.

What's he doing?

- You think this reflects well on us?

Shh. I can't hear him.

- You're damn right it doesn't.

Okay, boys.

Sh*t.

You can come out.

Sparky. Psst!

You got somethin'

to say?

Why'd you do it?

Do you even surf?

Then why steal a surfboard?

It was stupid. Just forget it.

Too late for that, Brian.

Just tell him.

My girlfriend...

Iris.

She broke up with me

for some, uh, surfer.

So you were just pissed

at some random surfer,

and so you decided

to steal my board?

What's the f***in'

logic in that, huh?

You got your board back.

This is over.

That's not for you

to say.

Now, the way I see it is this.

You have two options.

One, you can

call the cops.

Or two, you can dole out

a whipping for yourself.

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