Excuse Me for Living Page #5

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I ALMOST NEVER:

LOSE PHONE NUMBERS,

BUT WHAT CAN I SAY?

THE PRESSURES OF

DAILY LIFE,

THE CORPORATE:

BOARD MEETINGS,

THE PRESS INTERVIEWS,

ET CETERA, ET CETERA.

THEY SUCK THE LIFE

OUT OF YOU.

SO PLEASE,

GIVE IT TO ME AGAIN.

NOT TOO FAST,

'CAUSE I'M A LITTLE SLOW.

ACTUALLY,

YOU'RE AS FAS AS THEY COME.

AND SINCE WE'RE

BROTHER AND SISTER,

WHY DON'T YOU ASK

OUR FATHER IF YOU'VE

FORGOTTEN THE NUMBER.

AH, YES.

MY LITTLE FIB.

WHAT DID DADDY-O

SAY ABOUT ME?

DADDY-O DIDN'T SAY

ANYTHING AT ALL.

WHAT SHALL WE SAY?

( sighs )

I'M A PATIENT OF

DR. BERNSTEIN'S

AT LIVE FREE:

OR DIE.

I'M HERE A THE NEW BEGINNINGS MEETINGS

TO WITNESS THE REAL

DIFFICULTIES AND PLEASURES

OF LIFE AND AGING.

I'M FORBIDDEN

TO DRINK ALCOHOL

OR TAKE DRUGS.

THE MIXTURE, WITH MY MEDICINE,

MIGHT KILL ME.

CONCISE CONFESSION

AND SELF-ANALYSIS.

THAT'S EXCELLENT,

DANIEL.

HONEY, I GOTTA GO.

I GOTTA GET UP:

EARLY TOMORROW, OKAY?

YOUR NUMBER, LAURA?

LOOK, I WANNA

TALK TO YOU.

YOU'RE MY PATIENT,

AND YOU'RE STILL

IN DANGER, IT SEEMS TO ME.

FURTHERMORE, THIS IS

NOT THE TIME TO PURSUE

ROMANTIC INTERESTS.

YOU DON'T THINK

I'M FIT TO SEE

YOUR DAUGHTER, DOC?

IS THAT IT?

THAT'S EXACTLY IT.

STAY AWAY FROM HER.

ARE YOU SPEAKING

AS MY DOCTOR OR:

HER FATHER?

BOTH, FRANKLY.

ALL RIGHT, HONEY,

LET'S GO.

AH, PATIENTS ARE FUNNY,

DANIEL TOPLER.

YOU KNOW ME?

THE DOCTORS KNOW

ALL THE GUESTS.

YA KNOW, WE HAVE TO

CALL THEM THAT.

GOD FORBID, WE CALL

THEM PATIENTS.

SIT DOWN.

WHY ARE WE FUNNY, DOC?

PLEASE.

CALL ME DOCTOR.

WHY FUNNY?

( chuckles )

FOR EXAMPLE,

I HAVE THIS ONE...

GUES:

WHO NEVER ARRIVES

ON TIME.

HE'S A CONTROL FREAK.

COMING LATE IS A WAY

OF SHOWING ME:

THAT HE CALLS THE SHOTS

AROUND HERE.

HAVE I JOINED:

THE MEDICAL STAFF?

SO, AT OUR

LAST MEETING,

I SAY TO HIM WHEN HE

COMES IN 20 MINUTES LATE,

"YOU'RE A BIT TARDY.

WHY DO YOU THINK

THAT IS?"

BY THE TEXTBOOK:

PROFESSIONAL:

WITH ALL THAT RIGMAROLE

I LEARNED AT HARVARD

MEDICAL SCHOOL.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

WHY, HE SAYS,

"I'M NOT LATE AT ALL."

THAT'S WHA THAT NUT SAYS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IT?

WELL, SOME OF US HERE

ARE IN NEED OF PSYCHIATRIC

HELP, I'M TOLD.

( laughs )

THEN WHAT DID:

YOU SAY?

YOU SEE?

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

HMM.

YOU PATIENTS:

TAKE LIBERTIES.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I SAID.

"MY TIME HERE

IS VALUABLE.

"I CAN'T WASTE IT WAITING FOR

HALF-WITS LIKE YOU

TO WANDER IN:

WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE IT."

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

PRETTY STRONG STUFF.

NOW,

THIS... THIS...

PATIENT... UH,

PATIENT SAYS...

( exhales loudly )

THIS PATIENT SAYS,

"20 MINUTES IS NOTHIN'."

SO I SAY TO HIM,

"MAYBE 20 MINUTES

IS NOTHIN' TO YOU,

LARS, GODDAMN IT--"

NEVER MET A LARS

I DIDN'T LIKE.

THE GOOD LORD JEHOVAH

MADE THE EARTH:

IN SEVEN DAYS!

- SIX, REALLY.

- AND 20 MINUTES

IS ENOUGH TIME TO FILL

THE WATERS WITH FISHES

AND MAKE THIS BREATH

SINNER SCREAM.

OR MY NAME ISN' DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN.

I'M GLAD I FOUND

YOU, LARS.

DANIEL, YOU'LL HAVE TO

EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.

I HAVE TO HAVE:

A BRIEF CHA WITH THIS GUEST.

SORRY I'M A BI TARDY, JACK.

BUT I THINK I'M ONLY

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, LARS.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

TWENTY MINUTES IS

NOTHING, NOTHING.

COME.

( rueful chuckling )

WOW!

GOODY GOODY.

RORSCHACH TEST.

DO I GET TO LOOK A PICTURES OF VAGINAS?

( clears throat )

TELL ME THE FIRST THING

THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND.

SEX.

FIRST YOU HAVE TO

LOOK AT THE INKBLOT.

IT WON'T CHANGE.

IT'LL STILL BE SEX.

LOOK, I AM TRYING

TO HELP YOU.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TRY TO BE GOOD.

THANK YOU.

WELL?

WHICH PART OF THE PICTURE

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO X-RAY?

DO YOU THINK:

THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE?

OBSERVING THE PROJECTION

OF MY PERSONALITY

ONTO THE PICTURE

IS THE POINT OF:

THE TEST, IS IT NOT?

YES, THAT'S CORRECT.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU'VE BEEN

DOING SOME READING

ABOUT THE SUBJECT.

WELL, THEN, ARE YOU

INTERESTED IN THE ANAL PAR

OF MY PERSONALITY,

WHICH DEALS WITH

ONE PORTION OF:

THE INKBLOT?

PERHAPS I SHOULD FOCUS ON

THE TERRIFYING SAVAGE FORMS

ON THE LOWER HALF.

THAT TELLS US IF

I'M ALIENATED.

JUST TELL ME WHA THE WHOLE PICTURE SAYS

TO YOU, WOULD YOU PLEASE?

IT'S A PORCUPINE.

OH! AT LAST,

SOME COOPERATION.

AND WHAT IS:

THE PORCUPINE DOING?

IT'S PLAYING WITH

ITS VAGINA.

( grunting)

WHAT A LAME EXCUSE

TO INVITE HIM OVER

SO SOON.

I WOULD BE DELIGHTED,

MY DEAR.

I LOOK FORWARD TO DINING

WITH YOU THIS EVENING

AT 9:
00.

SOUNDS SO FORMAL

AND OLD-FASHIONED.

WHAT AN ASS I AM.

I JUST WANNA THANK YOU

FOR THE WONDERFUL LUNCH

YESTERDAY.

GOD! IT COULDN'T HAVE

SOUNDED MORE LIKE

A HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH.

HE MUST THINK:

I'M AN OVERGROWN TEENAGER.

MUST BE SOME SORT OF

CHARITY CASE FOR ZOE.

AN ACADEMIC ODDITY.

PERFECT FOR RIDICULE.

I'M SUCH A FOOL

TO BE INFATUATED.

( knocking on door )

- COME IN.

- ( door opens )

OOH LA LA!

WHO MIGHT THIS BE?

I DON'T KNOW, PROFESSOR.

I THINK I MIGHT PREFER YOU

IN YOUR COMFORTABLE

TEACHING DUDS:

THAN THIS STYLISH

TAILORED SUIT.

I'D GLADLY WEAR ANYTHING

THAT PLEASES YOU, DEAR ZOE.

THIS BOTTLE IS FOR YOU.

THANK YOU.

I'VE BEEN SAVING THAT WINE

FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.

IT'S FROM A VINEYARD

ON SANTORINI ISLAND

IN THE AEGEAN SEA

JUST NORTH OF CRETE.

BUT THE ISLAND'S

ANCIENT NAME, CALISTA,

SUITS YOU BETTER.

AND WHY IS THAT,

PROFESSOR?

PLEASE, CALL ME BARRY.

BECAUSE CALISTA MEANS

"THE FAIREST ONE."

OH, YOU'RE SO SWEET...

BARRY.

BUT I PROMISED TO SHOW YOU

HOW TO USE:

YOUR FATHER'S TELESCOPE.

THIS IS A GALAXY

WITH A GLOBAL:

POSITIONING SYSTEM.

AT NIGHT, YOU CAN SEE

THE RINGS OF SATURN.

DURING THE DAY,

DAZZLING SUNSPOTS.

IT HAS A PRECISION

FRONT CORRECTOR LENS.

YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.

THAT'S THE M.I.T. NERD

IN ME, ZOE.

PAY NO ATTENTION.

WITH A LENS LIKE THIS,

THERE'S VIRTUALLY

NO DISTORTION IN THE OPTICS.

IS THERE ANYTHING

YOU DON'T KNOW, BARRY?

WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, ZOE,

I REALIZE I DON'T KNOW

ANYTHING AT ALL.

All:
DANDY DAN!

MAYBE I'VE HAD

ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE.

WE HAVE SURPRISE FOR YOU.

- HEY, DANDY DAN.

- WHOA!

- HELLO.

- I LIKE YOUR JACKET.

BETTER AND BETTER.

THANK YOU.

I THINK I LIKE:

YOUR JACKET BETTER OFF.

OKAY. SOME PARTY.

I THINK I'D LIKE

THIS BETTER OFF, TOO.

( laughter )

I THINK YOU:

DESERVE A DRINK.

- NO.

- COME ON.

Daniel:
NO. NO!

I DON'T WANT IT.

CHARLOTTE, LAURA.

WHAT A SURPRISE.

- COME ON, JUST...

- NO.

- JUST A LITTLE SIP.

- NO!!

CATCH A RIDE HOME, CHARLIE.

DID I THANK YOU:

FOR SAVING MY LIFE,

BY THE WAY?

YOUR DAD SAYS THE LITTLE

BITTY RED ONES CAN BE

FATAL WITH ALCOHOL.

IT'S GOOD MATERIAL

FOR MY NOVEL,

EVEN IF IT COST ME

MY FAVORITE BLOUSE.

AND NOW, I FEAR,

YOUR BRA AND UNDIES.

THANK YOU, DR. BERNSTEIN,

FOR SHOWING ME HOW

DANNY IS DOING.

HE'S MAKING MUCH BETTER

PROGRESS THAN I'D HOPED

FOR, MR. TOPLER.

WOW! I SEE WHA YOU MEAN, DOCTOR.

IS THAT PART OF:

THE TREATMENT?

( gasps )

NO, THAT'S NO PART OF THE TREATMENT.

THAT'S MY DAUGHTER.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE

DANIEL AGAIN EVER.

WHAT ARE YOU:

LOOKING AT?

( line ringing )

- LAURA.

- DAN.

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