Excuse Me for Living Page #6

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- I'M SORRY.

- I'M SORRY.

WHAT IF DADDY:

SENDS YOU TO PRISON?

IT WOULDN'T BE

PROFESSIONAL OF HIM

TO TAKE HIS FEELINGS OU ON ME.

AM I EVER GONNA:

SEE YOU AGAIN?

TONIGHT, LOVER.

I'M WRITING MY OWN STORY

FOR A CHANGE.

BUT TURN YOUR ALARM ON

THIS TIME, DUMMY.

( laughs )

WHOO-HOO!

SO HOW DO YOU KNOW

THE DANDY MAN?

THE DANDY MAN?

THE STUD YOU STOLE

FROM ME AT BRUCE'S.

DAN TOPLER.

THAT'S THE GUY

YOU'VE BEEN STALKING?

DANNY'S ALL YOURS, LAURA.

I HAVE OTHER FISH

TO FRY JUST NOW.

WHAT HAPPENED, CHARLIE?

DAN'S NOT UP TO

YOUR LEVEL OF:

COMPETITION?

- FOR NOW.

- FOR NOW?

MMM. I MIGHT NOT BE

THROUGH WITH HIM JUST YET.

AND YOU? ARE YOU STILL

A CHASTE ALBEIT SMUTTY WRITER

AFTER YOU DRAGGED

THE DANDY MAN FROM ME?

- NO.

- OOH, START TO SHOVEL.

I AM ALL EARS FOR THE DIRT.

IT'S KIND OF

EMBARRASSING.

YOU KNOW DAN:

AS WELL AS I DO.

EMBARRASSING SOUNDS STRANGE

COMING FROM A NICE JEWISH GIRL

WHO STRIPS IN FRON OF DRUGGIES AND DRAGS

A HALF-NAKED MAN

OUT THE DOOR.

WE WENT TO HIS... PLACE.

YES, GO ON.

DID HE F*** YOU?

- CHARLIE, HOW CAN YOU

TALK LIKE THAT?

- OH, COME ON!

YOU USE MY EVERY WORD

IN YOUR NOVELS.

FROM NOW ON, I AM WRITING

STORIES WITH MATERIAL

FROM MY OWN LIFE,

NOT YOURS ANYMORE.

BRUCE CALLED AND INVITED ME

TO KEEP COMING TO AS MANY

PARTIES AS I LIKE.

I DON'T THINK

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, LAURA.

THAT CROWD'S INTO

HARD DRUGS, NO JUST DRINKING.

- YOU PARTY WITH 'EM.

- BUT I CAN PROTECT MYSELF.

BRUCE INVITES LOWLIFES

FOR ATMOSPHERE.

IT AMUSES HIM TO HAVE

GUYS LIKE PIROT AROUND,

BUT THEY CAN:

BE DANGEROUS.

DAN'S JUST A HARMLESS

PREPPY BY COMPARISON.

AND WHAT MAKES YOU

SUCH AN EXPERT ON DANNY?

I'M NOT AN EXPER ON HIM, LAURA.

YOU'RE JEALOUS,

BECAUSE HE WANTS ME

AND NOT YOU.

NOW HE'S

THE INVINCIBLE ONE.

NO MAN IS INVINCIBLE.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME

YOU WERE CHARLOTTE'S

LOVER, DAN.

LAURA.

MAYBE I SHOULD SEE

IF SHE'S OKAY.

THAT PSYCHO'S BEEN

CHASING HER.

YOU'RE A PATIEN HERE, REMEMBER, DAN?

THIS ISN'T THE TEMPLE

MEETINGS WHERE MY FATHER

LETS YOU PRETEND TO BE

A MEDICAL STUDENT.

THEY HAVE PSYCHIATRISTS,

REAL PSYCHIATRISTS,

WHO CAN HELP HER.

Girl:
STOP FOLLOWING ME.

WE'RE GONNA

TALK ABOUT THIS.

FOR ME, IT HAS TO BE NOW.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK,

DREAMBOAT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO

TALK ABOUT IT?

I'M A DOCTOR.

NO, LARS,

SHE WOULDN'T.

WOULD YOU TWO OLD GUYS

JUST BEAT IT?

Both:
OLD GUYS?

YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY

ON THE OUTSIDE OF THIS ZOO

LOOKIN' IN A GLASS WINDOW,

ARE YOU, MY BOY?

YOU BETTER DROP:

THAT DOCTOR CRAP, LARS.

THEY'LL PUT YOU IN

A REAL JAIL.

I'M A REAL DOCTOR,

YOUNG MAN.

I TOLD YOU.

A PSYCHOANALYST.

SUCH HORSESHIT.

A DAZED, DIRECTIONLESS

DRUG ADDICT,

WHO'S NEVER DONE

A LICK OF WORK,

KNOWS WHAT'S REAL?

BUT, YOU KNOW,

MANY PSYCHIATRISTS

CHOOSE THEIR CAREERS

TO SOLVE:

THEIR OWN PROBLEMS.

JACK BERNSTEIN:

OFTEN ASKS MY ADVICE

ABOUT CASES.

GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF

BEFORE YOU CRITICIZE ME,

YOU JUNKIE.

AT LEAST I'M A HAS-BEEN,

NOT A NEVER-WERE

LIKE YOU... DANDY MAN.

ISN'T THA WHAT THEY CALL YOU?

HELEN, THAT FRUITCAKE LARS

CLAIMS HE'S A REAL SHRINK.

FORMER CHIEF PSYCHIATRIS AT BELLEVUE.

REALLY? WHAT HAPPENED?

ONE DAY, HE WAS

PICKED UP STANDING IN

BLOOMINGDALE'S WINDOW.

( horns honking,

people exclaiming )

( siren approaching )

OH!

OH, NO.

- HI.

- HEY.

THESE ARE PICTURES

OF MY EX-WIFE MILDRED.

WHY SO MANY?

I SET FIRE TO ONE

EACH NIGHT, MAY SHE

REST IN PEACE.

WHEN DID SHE DIE?

I'M STILL WAITING.

( laughter )

WELL, ON THAT NOTE,

SUPPOSE WE DISCUSS

DEPRESSION TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT?

I GOT LAID OFF:

MY FIRST JOB:

AT A COLLEGE.

I COULDN'T FIND

WORK FOR MONTHS.

I FELT LIKE:

A FAILURE.

MY CONSULTING WITH

LIVE FREE OR DIE

CERTAINLY HELPED ME

OVERCOME THE FEAR I HAD

FOR MY UPCOMING SURGERY.

WHO'S GONNA LEAD

THE DISCUSSIONS DURING...

WHILE YOU'RE

RECUPERATING, JACK?

DAN HAS VOLUNTEERED,

IF IT'S ALL RIGH WITH YOU FELLAS.

( all agreeing )

- WHAT?

- I THINK

THAT'S GREAT, DAN.

WE COULD USE SOME

YOUNG BLOOD IN:

THESE MEETINGS.

( stammering )

THANKS FOR THE TOTALLY

UNDESERVED VOTE OF

CONFIDENCE, MEN.

( laughter )

SINCE MY OPERATION'S

COMING UP PRETTY SOON,

WHY DON'T YOU

START TONIGHT, HUH?

UH...

DEPRESSION...

UH, CAN HIT ANYONE

AS WE GROW OLDER.

( chuckling )

OKAY, OKAY. I'M NO AS OLD AS YOU ARE.

NOT BY HALF.

YEAH, WE'RE NOT YOUNG

AND HEALTHY ANYMORE.

WELL, YOU'D BE SURPRISED.

EVEN AT MY AGE...

LIFE'S NOT EASY.

I HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF

TO GET OUT OF BED.

YA KNOW? NOT GE DRAGGED DOWN

BY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.

FIGURE OUT...

WHY I SHOULD LIVE

EACH DAY.

I HAD DEPRESSION!

WELL, THANK YOU

FOR SHARING THAT, SAM.

IS THAT OPERATION

ON YOUR LEG GETTIN' YOU DOWN?

I CAN'T WALK ANYWHERE

WITHOUT THIS ANYMORE.

I'M BORED.

BORED TO DEATH.

DO YOU SEE:

YOUR GRANDCHILDREN?

I WISH I HAD:

GRANDCHILDREN.

I'M JUST A LONELY

BACHELOR NOW.

WHY LONELY? I BE THERE'S PLENTY OF WOMEN

WHO'D LIKE TO SHARE

YOUR COMPANY.

NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,

I DO SEE WOMEN LOOKIN' AT ME.

YEAH. THEY WONDER

WHAT'S KEEPING YOU

FROM FALLING DOWN.

YOU PUTZ.

I SAW YOU READING.

BEEN TRYING TO RAISE FUNDS

FOR A NEW LIBRARY FOR

OVER TWO YEARS NOW.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

A LIBRARY WOULD BE

A GOOD PLACE:

FOR YOU TO MEET A WOMAN.

IT'S A LITTLE SILLY,

DON'T YOU THINK,

FOR ME TO STAR DATING AGAIN?

YOU KNOW, MORTY,

I KNOW A VERY ATTRACTIVE

SINGLE WOMAN,

THE ATHLETIC DIRECTOR

AT LIVE FREE OR DIE,

LOOKIN' FOR

A MAN LIKE YOU.

- ATHLETIC, HUH?

- OH, YEAH.

I COULD INTRODUCE YOU.

INTRODUCE ME,

FOR CHRIST SAKE?

FOR 40 YEARS,

I'VE BEEN MAKING

INTROS FOR OTHERS

AS A CONSULTANT.

IF A BABE WANTS:

TO GLOM A REAL MAN,

I'M THE GUY.

OKAY, SUIT YOURSELF.

I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

WHENEVER.

SOME ROTTEN FRIEND

YOU ARE.

ROTTEN IS WHA I DO BEST, OLD CHUM.

WHAT SEEMS TO BE

THE PROBLEM?

WELL, LET'S START WITH

ATTEMPTED MURDER

WHEN YOU TRIED TO

PLY ME WITH MARTINIS

IN THE CASTLE CHAMBER

UPSTAIRS LAST SATURDAY.

WHY WOULD I MURDER YOU

WHEN YOU'RE DOING

SUCH A BONNIE GOOD JOB

OF DOING IT YOURSELF?

YOU SET ME UP, BRUCE.

LAURA AND CHARLIE

ARRIVING IN THE ROOM

AT THE EXACT MOMEN

I'M SET UP AS

AN OBJECT OF RIDICULE

FOR YOUR DRUGGIE

HANGERS-ON.

LAURA WASN' SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

NOT EVEN YOU, MY FRIEND,

CAN TELL ME WHOM

I CAN INVITE IN:

MY OWN HOME.

SO WHAT'S YOUR COMPLAINT?

I'M SURE YOU NAILED LAURA,

WHO, BY THE WAY,

LIES UPSTAIRS NEXT TO

THE CHIPSTER:

WITH SEVERAL LINES

IN HER NOSTRILS.

- I WONDER IF

HE'S DRILLED HER YET.

- I'LL BREAK HIM IN HALF.

DAN, DON'T DO

ANYTHING STUPID.

( Laura giggling )

DANDY MAN.

HOW'S TRICKS?

DANDY MAN, YOU'RE

A HELL OF A LOT STRONGER

THAN ONE MIGHT THINK.

WELL, CLARK KENT,

I GUESS THAT MAKES

ME LOIS LANE, HUH?

GET DRESSED.

DO I GET TO SEE:

THE ICE CASTLES:

LIKE IN SUPERMAN 3?

SUPERMAN 2.

WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE

AND PROVE YOU'RE A MAN OF STEEL.

WHEN DID YOU GIVE UP READING

THE NEW YORKER FOR HUSTLER?

PUT YOUR DRESS ON.

AH, SCREW YOU, DAN.

YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN

ALL THIS TIME IF YOU'RE

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