Expresso Bongo Page #9

That's the way it is in this business.

You kid yourself from time to time,

but really, you're always on your own.

But it's all right for you.

You've got Johnny.

Oh, sure. So have you.

I'm just something he sells.

Like rat poison or fish and chips.

It's funny, you don't like it

because he sells you,

and I don't like it

because he won't sell me.

But it's all right for you.

- You're sort of dedicated.

- What to? Stripping?

What I mean is,

to you, singing is sort of an art.

Perhaps that's why no one will buy it.

For me, it's more like a drug.

Takes my mind off quite a few things.

What are you doing after the show,

sweetie?

Meeting my boyfriend in the vice squad.

Want to come?

So, this is where you come

in your spare time.

We'll have to watch

your voice doesn't start breaking.

- I just fancied a few drinks.

- Big, big problems he has!

All I have to worry about is

finding numbers for him,

fixing records, booking him on TV shows.

All the rest, he can do himself!

Don't pick on the kid. He was lonely.

So, little white mother Maisie

is comforting him.

Why not? Do you have

an exclusive contract on my spare time?

- Look, I just fancied a few drinks.

- So, now you've had them. Now, get out!

I told you not to push him around.

I'll bear in mind what you say.

Blow, Bongo!

- He's my guest.

- Drop it, Maisie. I'm going.

- Now, look.

- You look!

I've got 50% of what he's got.

He hasn't got 50% of what I've got.

If that remark is supposed to refer

to me, you can take it right back!

You're a big help, you are!

I need the kid for work,

and you're busy getting him drunk.

What are you, a sadist or something?

Most of the time I'm with you,

I wish I was!

Oh, now, look, Maisie doll,

I've been working very hard,

I'm under a lot of tension!

Well, stay under and drown!

Ah, what the hell.

For art, one has to make sacrifices.

Hell!

If it's you, I'm asleep!

You want to be careful

whom you say you're not in to.

I am being careful.

That's why I'm telling you I'm not in.

What was it you required?

Just because we have a little scene

every so often,

I mean, you don't have to hibernate.

- Oh, come over here, baby.

- No!

I'm having a nice quiet read,

and it's very relaxing.

If you were a gentleman,

you'd come over here.

But you can...

Well, you can read here, baby.

Come on, you can relax here.

Why can't you come over here, anyway?

Well, I'd love to, baby. Really, I would.

But, well, I've got a lot of very

important calls coming through.

I'm expecting Hollywood

on the line any minute now.

You know, it's mid-morning over there.

Thanks for the geography lesson,

and good night!

Oh! Maisie, but I've got so many

important things to discuss with you.

Something... Well, something

that really means our whole future.

Our whole future?

Yes, that's right, baby. Oh, come over.

There's so much I want to tell you.

Well, maybe I will. Maybe I will.

Of course, I have to dress first.

Oh! That's great, baby! That's great.

Look, I'll go and make us some coffee,

you come right over.

You know, I've got

so many business problems.

What have you and me

got to do with business problems?

Well, isn't it of some interest to you

that I succeed?

You know, if Bongo doesn't get that...

So, it's Bongo! You don't want me,

you just want someone to talk to

about that bloody Bongo!

- Who else have I go to talk to?

- I'm not in a talking mood.

I'm sorry I insulted your ignorance

by even suggesting

that I could talk to you!

You only got up in the middle of the night

because you want a little rabbit!

You want to chat it up with someone!

- It's an insult! You're kinky!

- Who's kinky?

- You're bent!

- Who's bent?

- Don't you shout at me!

- Who's shouting?

- Good night!

- Good night!

Thank you. Thank you.

And now, straight from New York,

Hollywood and Las Vegas,

we are very happy to be able to afford

the fantabulous,

fantastico Dixie Collins!

Well, this is it, golden boy! Hey, hey.

Smoking when that

velvet voice is about to perform?

She's around here somewhere,

I just know she's around here somewhere.

Don't tell me my little virgin's found

himself a piece of frontline frippet?

It's my mother I'm talking about.

She's around here somewhere.

So, where else should a boy's mother be

but at his side at a time like this?

Edna phoned me she's on the warpath.

She's got the needle to me.

And she wants half my money.

I'd give her half of mine

if I thought it would make her happy.

- You would?

- Look,

it isn't as simple as all that.

Now, listen to me, kid.

She won't come around here.

You have my personal guarantee.

- Fix her for me, Johnny.

- Sure, I'll fix her for you!

I'm your manager, aren't I?

Your friend, your chum, your protector.

Now, go out there and kill 'em!

Tonight, eight million

telly-hugging imbeciles

are going to

fall in love with you simultaneously!

Thank you! Thank you, all!

You, too, up there! It's wonderful

to know you still love me!

Now, here's a new singer making

his very first variety appearance.

Your own Bongo Herbert!

Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you very much,

thank you very much indeed.

It's not generally known

that I'm a deeply religious boy,

And here in this theatre tonight,

we're glad it's Sunday, because,

well, we've had a number

specially written for this show

We'd like to dedicate it to...

To a lady who taught us that

there's someone bigger than you or I,

my mother.

For my mother I'd like to sing for you

my latest recording,

The Shrine on the Second Floor.

Take it, Bert.

I was born in the heart of a city

In a room that I'll always adore

Though it's not much to see

It's like heaven to me

The shrine on the second floor

There's a beautiful grey-haired Madonna

Who once taught me

what life had in store

And I lift up my eyes

to that saint in disguise

In the shrine on the second floor

Whenever my troubles

seem too much to bear

I look for the answer, and then

I kneel down and see

that light shining there

And everything turns out right again

When I'm old and I find that I'm lonely

I'll return to my heaven once more

I'll remember the face

of a lady of grace

On the shrine on the second floor

When I'm old and I find that I'm lonely

I'll return to my heaven once more

I'll remember the face

Of a lady of grace

On the shrine

On the second floor

- That was lovely, wasn't it?

- Mmm?

You've sold another 50,000 records

tonight, my darling Dixie. 50,000!

Gus, if that doesn't get me

a New York series,

I'll just have to marry a prince! Yes?

- Only me. Can I bring my daughter in?

- Of course. Gus, fix some drinks.

- Yes.

- Oh, Ms Collins, it was simply splendid.

All my chums were there. Goodness,

we couldn't have adored it more.

- Oh, thank you.

- I told you

everyone will be utterly

delighted to have you back.

Rosemary, I'm delighted

to have me back, too.

Mumsy, I do wish

you'd let me go on the stage.

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