Father of the Year Page #9

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We f***ed up his life bad.

We gotta make it right.

"We"? You messed up his life.

If you weren't a chicken

we wouldn't be here.

-You're the one that--

-Yeah, okay. All right! I'm sorry.

Some people say I'm unstable and I snap.

Uh, that was a snap.

Listen, I need your help,

and please, if you do this for me...

God, I can't believe I'm saying this.

I'll let you kick my ass

in front of Larry.

I'll do it.

This is gonna be my last normal haircut

for a while.

They're gonna shave my whole head

once I get to boot camp.

Good job, Larry. We're all proud of ya.

Thank you.

So, where are they shipping you off to?

Going to Parris Island in South Carolina.

Oh...

Yeah, I leave, uh...

I think it's next Tuesday I'm leaving.

Oh.

So, I'm doing the whole procrastination

right now of not packing.

It's cool. I'm nervous, but excited.

Yeah, the first day

of the rest of your life.

Yeah. There you go.

Now you want me to square this off

at the back or--

Oh, yeah, you can just--

Holy sh*t!

[groans]

Yeah! How'd you like that, huh?

That's what you get!

I'm so sorry about that.

I will pay for all of this.

-You ready for some more? Huh?

-Oh, no.

Take that!

[Wayne yells]

-The f*** are you doing?

-Get over here.

No, no. Take it outside!

Take it outside! No, no, no!

Oh!

-No!

-Oh!

[Wayne grunts]

Ah, Mardy! Come on, too much! Too--

What the f***, dude? No!

-Don't put all your weight on me.

-Oh, sorry. Yeah, I can do that.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, that's enough! Stop! I surrender!

And that's what you get

if you catch me off-guard

and you sucker-chase me onto my roof!

Holy sh*t.

Oh. [chuckles]

Hey, Larry. What a coincidence!

You just kicked his ass.

Oh, I guess I did, didn't I?

[chuckles]

You might wanna look in the mirror though.

Oh, wow.

No, hey. I think it looks badass.

All right.

Hey, you want to go get a six piece?

Miller Lites do it for ya?

-Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it.

-Yeah.

Come on, bud.

-That was awesome.

-I know, I just...

You came swinging and you almost hit me.

-Well, I guess I had it in me. You know?

-That was really cool.

It came out of nowhere.

Okay, I don't know what

your threshold is for emotional pain,

so I brought options.

We have tequila, weed, Vicodin.

This is either Zoloft

or it shrinks your prostate, not sure.

And, uh, hard candy.

It's just 'cause I know you like 'em.

Oh, you're the best.

I'm gonna take all of these

at the exact same time.

-Okay, maybe... This is too soon.

-Okay.

Ben! Oh, there you are! Hey!

I just got us a meeting

with the top dog at ISG!

What? How?

Don't ask! Just pack your sh*t.

We gotta go to New York right now!

Meredith. Always looking lovely.

I'll be outside. Let's go!

-Oh, my God!

-Holy sh*t!

-Ah!

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I gotta go pack! I'll text you

first thing when I get there.

Mr. Francis will see you now.

Okay, wish me luck.

-What are you doing?

-I'm gonna make this right for ya.

What? No, no. Dad, turn around.

Please turn around, Dad.

[Wayne] You'll thank me.

Welcome, welcome.

This is our VR meeting space.

Mr. Francis is in Taiwan,

but he is very excited to meet you.

Wait. We drove five hours

and the guy we're gonna meet isn't here?

-Hey, come on.

-That's weird.

-It's not weird.

-Just talk and act as you normally would.

And if you have any questions,

I'll be right here.

Yeah, why are your pants so tight?

They use less material,

it's better for the environment. So...

It's okay, Dad. Just put your headset on.

Here we go.

Oh, f***!

-What's going on, Ben?

-Dad?

Oh, my God! Where am I?

-I'm a kangaroo!

-Dad, that's--

You're a monkey! I don't like it.

It's okay, Dad. It's not real.

It's not real?

I think you're wrong.

I think you're f***ing wrong!

Watch out! Polar bear straight ahead!

Ben? Wayne? Peter Francis.

It's talking to us. It knows--

It's a friendly one.

He knows our names. Hi.

I know it's bizarre, but don't be alarmed,

this is my avatar. Please, have a seat.

Okay. I can do this. Non-issue.

Just chatting with a polar bear.

[grunts]

Come on, Wayne. Get it together.

So, what can I do for you?

-Well, I--

-Before I begin...

I recycle. I mean, I don't all the time,

but you're fixing all that stuff anyway,

so it probably won't matter.

I just wanted to say

that Ben's life was perfect.

He had all his ducks in a row, and--

Woah! Is that ice safe?

Is this normal? Is this...

Should it be like this?

Still fake, Dad. [chuckles]

Listen, he is a smart, smart kid.

Please don't make him do time

for my crime.

Mr. Francis, I have dreamed of

working for you since I was 15.

Your work in magnetics research,

in my opinion,

is gonna save the environment.

I just...

I really don't care what it pays.

I just really want to be a part

of your cause.

Please, polar bear.

This job is the love of his life.

[bird screeching]

What's up?

What the f***? Ho!

Everybody, down! We got a pelican!

Why's he so angry?

Oh, sh*t, he's coming this way!

[screams]

Ah, f***!

Ahhh! Leave me alone!

[screeching continues]

-Take it down a notch.

-F***!

This is unlike anything he's ever done.

[grunts]

[screams]

[grunting and screaming]

Oh, f***! There you are.

I got you!

Stupid! F*** with me?

[grunts]

Get him off!

I'm so sorry.

If you can give me one second,

I can go calm him down.

Growing up with a dad like that

and turning out halfway normal?

Oh, you must be extraordinary.

Why don't you join my research team?

-That would be amazing!

-[Wayne screaming]

[chuckles]

I love when people don't understand VR.

Hey, watch this.

What are you doing?

[shushes]

No. Come on. Please don't.

[screams]

[screams and grunts]

Oh, my God, that's the best.

[grunts]

Wow. Good stuff. All right, where were we?

What the f***, man?

[yelling]

[grunts]

You don't treat people like that!

[Wayne grunting]

Alien. Alien head. Huh?

Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad? Hey, hey.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Okay. Did you get the job?

-Don't worry about it. Come on.

-[panting]

Ah, so what are you gonna do now?

[Ben] I don't know, I'll figure it out.

I'm valededorian.

[doorbell buzzes]

Hey.

Hey.

How did it go with Peter Francis?

Oh, good! He turned into an alien

and I cut his head off.

Okay.

I'm staying here. I wanna be with you.

[sighs]

Ben, I don't want to be the thing that

stops you from doing what you want to do.

It's just a job.

Plus, I've got a very approachable penis.

You said it yourself.

This is where I'm happy.

You know, you still kiss

like a sixth grader.

[indistinct chatter]

Look at that.

She let you get away with that?

You must be packing something.

She thinks the pool is a farm

and the goats are floats!

Uh, everyone?

Could I have your attention, please?

Thank you all so much for coming.

I just wanted to say a few words

about my son, Larry.

Oh, boy.

I am so proud of him,

both for the man that he's become

and the man that he's going to be.

I am sad to see him go,

but I could not be...

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