Fawlty Towers Page #3

- Hello, Sybil.

- Hello, Basil.

You finished your golf early.

We haven't started yet.

- Where are you going? - Up these steps.

Oh, don't.

It's such a lovely day.

Let's go for a walk.

We haven't done that for years.

I nearly forgot.

You're not going to believe this.

Let me show you.

There.

Look at that.

That's Stubbs for you.

Mind you, I warned you, but still, a reputable builder like that.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Stubbs? Wicked.

Pfft.

- Where's O'Reilly? - Criminal.

Tsk.

Pfff.

Hmm? Where's O'Reilly? - O'Reilly? - Yes, O'Reilly.

Sybil, you never cease to amaze me.

Just because of this, you automatically assume it has to be O'Reilly.

Right You just assume that I have been lying all along.

Right? I mean, why O'Reilly? Because his van's outside.

Well, he's here now.

Of course he's here now.

He's here to clear up this mess your Stubbs has made! That's why his van's outside! On a Sunday.

That's what I call service.

- I agree.

- You do? Yes, but if Stubbs has made this mess then I think they should come and clear it up.

But there's no point now that O'Reilly's here.

We want it done straightaway.

There's no point in paying O'Reilly when Stubbs would have to do it for free.

- I'll call him now.

- He won't be there on Sunday.

Then I'll call him at home.

Ooh! Ah-hh! Getting a bit of gyp from the ol' leg this morning.

Not to worry.

I've called him at home, and he's not there.

When did you call him? First thing.

Before I called O'Reilly.

Wasn't that early for a Sunday? I called him just before you arrived.

There's nobody there.

Yes, hello.

Fawlty Towers.

Yes? Who? I think you'd better have a word with my wife.

It's somebody from Mr.

Stubbs, dear.

Hello, Sybil Fawlty.

Well, it is a complete mess.

Could you come straight round and put it right? Would you like to deal with this, Basil? you see, we couldn't possibly manage it for at least three weeks.

But if you want it done straightaway, I suggest you try someone like Oh, what's his name? It's uh O'Reilly? Bravo, Polly.

Well done.

Listen, where are you speaking from? She's in here with me, Basil.

- It's partly my fault.

- No, it isn't.

Is somebody there trying to pretend they're from Mr.

Stubbs' company? What game are you playing? I mean, really! Really! Would you believe what some people will do? I'm going to make you regret this for the rest of your life.

Fair enough, but Stubbs is partly to blame - Basil! - Yes, dear? Don't you dare give me any more of those pathetic lies.

Oh, right.

What do you take me for? Did you really think that I would believe this shambles is the work of professional builders? People who do it for a living? No, not really.

Why did I trust you? Why did I let you make the arrangements? I could have seen what was going to happen.

Why did I do it? We all make mistakes, dear.

I'm sick to death of you.

You never learn, do you? You never, ever, learn.

We have used O'Reilly three times in the last year and each time it has been a fiasco! That wall out there is still not done! You got him in to change a washer in november and we didn't have any running water for two weeks! He's not really a plumber.

Then why did you hire him? - Because he's cheap.

- I wouldn't call him cheap.

What would you call him, then? Well, cheapish.

The reason he's cheapish is he's no bloody good! Oh, you do exaggerate.

He's not brilliant.

Not brilliant? He belongs in a zoo! You never give anyone the benefit of the doubt.

He's shoddy, he doesn't care, he's a liar, he's incompetent, he's lazy, he's nothing but a half-witted, thick, Irish joke! Hello, O'Reilly.

We were just talking about you.

Then we got on to another Irish builder we used to know.

God, he was awful! I was talking about you, Mr.

O'Reilly.

Were you, dear? I thought Come, come, Mrs.

Fawlty I'm coming.

Dear me, what have I done now? That and that.

Not to worry.

I'm putting it right.

Not to worry? You've heard of the genie of the lamp? That's me.

You think I'm joking, don't you? Oh, don't smile.

Why are you smiling, Mr.

O'Reilly? To be perfectly honest, I like a woman with spirit.

Oh, do you? Is that what you like? I do.

I do.

Oh, good.

Now, Sybil, that's enough.

Come on, then.

Give us a smile.

I have seen more intelligent creatures lying on their backs at the bottom of ponds.

I've seen better organized creatures than you running around farmyards with their heads cut off.

Now collect your things, and get out.

I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again.

If you'll excuse me, I have to speak to a professional builder.

Hello, Mr.

Stubbs? It's Sybil Fawlty here.

I'm sorry to disturb you on a Sunday morning.

We have a slight problem with a couple of doors we'd like you to take care of.

When do you think you could come take a look at them? Tomorrow morning at 9:00? That would be fine.

See you then.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

I think I shall go over to Audrey's now.

I shan't be back till the morning.

- Oh, Basil.

- Yes, dear? What is that doing here? Your garden gnome.

Isn't it nice? Don't you think it would be better in the garden? Yes, dear.

Good idea.

Oh, no, no, Basil.

Put him back.

On second thought, I'll leave him in charge.

I'm sure he's cheap and he'll certainly be better at it than you.

Have a nice day, dear.

Don't drive over any mines or anything.

Toxic midget.

Where are you going? Please take your tools back and continue.

In view of what Mrs.

Fawlty was saying You're not going to take that seriously? I thought I might.

What sort of a man are you? Are you going to let her speak to us like that? - She did! - No, she didn't.

She thinks she did, but we'll show her.

We're not going to just put that door back and take that one out.

We'll close that one off and put that one through as well.

We're going to do the best day's work you've ever done.

Manuel, any sign? No, no.

- Morning, Fawlty.

- Morning, Major.

- The papers are here.

- Ah, good.

Notice anything new, Major? Another car strike.

Oh, my.

- Morning, Major.

- Oh, good morning - Never mind.

- Oh, right.

Ah! You've found it.

I knew you would.

He lost it, you know.

Mr.

Fawlty, she come now! Quick! Morning, dear.

Did you have a pleasant evening? Oh, good.

Ah, Mr.

Stubbs.

- My wife's just there.

- Thank you.

Good morning, Mrs.

Fawlty.

Mr.

Stubbs.

This is most awkward.

I'm afraid I have to apologize.

My husband has put me in an embarrassing situation Once again.

I was going to ask you to do some work here.

Yes? But I was away, and when I came back, it appears to have been done.

- Everything all right? - Oh, I see.

It'll probably fall down by lunchtime.

Do you think so? Let's ask a real expert.

Do you think it'll fall down by lunch, Mr.

Stubbs? No, no.

Mr.

Stubbs wouldn't agree with you on that one.

- It's a very good job.

- Did you hear that, dear? - A very good job.

- Hmm? None of us likes being wrong.

I certainly don't.

We knocked through this door, and we closed this one off.

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