Finding Your Feet Page #5

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Maniacs!

[tyres screeching]

[both laughing]

[laughs] Okay. Keep your eye out

for the wanted posters.

Thank you for the

door-to-door service.

[speaks French]

- Goodnight, Charlie.

- Yeah, goodnight.

How long had you been planning

that little stunt?

At our stage of life,

why waste time waiting for things

to take their natural course?

- So, did you?

- No!

He didn't try to kiss me or get his leg

over or anything else untoward.

- He was a perfect gentleman.

- I need to have a word with him.

No, you need to leave it alone.

You've meddled quite enough,

thank you very much.

Tell me you at least had fun.

- Yes, I did.

- [chuckles]

[{chatter and laughter]

[all] Cheers.

[cheering]

Before you go off

and join the queue for Santa's grotto,

I've got an early Christmas present

for you all.

We've been talent spotted.

The artistic director of the Rome Biennale

has invited us to perform,

after seeing our flash mob online.

We leave on the 10th of February,

for two nights, all expenses paid.

[cheering]

[Sandra] We're going to Rome!

This hotel better have satellite TV.

I cannot miss Arsenal

beating the Spurs again.

Oh, Ted, we're going to Rome,

City of Lovers!

Exactly! The only question

you should ask yourself

is whether you can upgrade

to a bigger bed!

[laughter]

Come on, come on! Go fast, go faster!

Go faster!

On three. One. two...

[all cheering]

- We've all got one!

- Ooh, a little frame.

Hang on, let's have a look here.

Oh, here we are.

What's this'? Oh... Okay, all right.

All right, erm...

"Which, er, playwright

was terrified of Christmas?"

Don't know.

Nol Coward!

- [all groan]

- Ha-ha-ha!

Okay, okay, okay.

"What do you get if you eat

Christmas decorations?"

[all] Tinsel-itis.

Bif, what have you got'?

You know how they say,

you can't choose your family

- but you can choose your friends?

- [all] Yeah.

Well, I couldn't have chosen

a better bunch than you lot.

Aw!

And Sandra, over the last few months,

I've realised I've got my sister back.

And that's the most precious

Christmas gift I could have wished for.

Aw, good.

[laughter]

- [Charlie] To family and friends.

- Yeah.

- To family and friends.

- [all] Cheers!

[Charlie] Now, does anybody fancy

another one of these rissoles'?

Rissoles are cheap today!

[chatter continues]

It's been a disaster from start

to finish, Mum.

It's the worst Christmas ever!

- What happened'?

- Lunch was inedible.

ll all came out of a packet

and Pamela still managed to burn the lot.

Luke wasn't even allowed to play

on her new carpet

with the remote-control jeep you bought.

And then, she and Dad got drunk

on mulled wine and had a blazing row.

So the day got better then

- Mum!

- [chuckles] Sorry, sorry.

I'll take some of these pies back home.

- Oh, that's a good idea.

- Shame to let them go to waste!

Can you pick up a couple of glasses

from in there?

Yeah, let's get this carnage cleared up.

[Sandra] Shh, shh, shh, she's asleep.

[music playing]

She's out for the count.

To be honest,

I was really dreading Christmas this year,

but it has been one

of the most enjoyable I can remember.

Yeah' me too,

Yeah, I'm.

Although, I'll tell you,

I'll be pleased not to have to listen to

any more Christmas tunes until next year.

[both laugh]

What, er... What music are you into, then'?

Er...

This sounds terrible,

but I'm not really sure.

Mike used to play drive time compilations

in the car, but we didn't really

have any in the house.

How can a couple

not have music in their lives?

I mean, the pressure on conversation

is insane.

[both laughing]

[upbeat music playing]

Now that's more like it.

Well, what, don't you know this one?

[Sandra] No.

Yeah, it's, er,

it's called the Harlem Shake.

- Come on, give it a go.

- No, I'll just do this lot.

Come on, come on, come on, they're not

going to go anywhere, are they?

Come on, come on, right,

so it's all about the hips, right?

It's in the hips and the shoulders, so...

Right, so hips...

- I don't know what kind...

- Come on, what's going on down here?

I thought you were supposed to be a pro

or something.

I mean, you look like you're trying

to crack a walnut down there!

Thank you! Charming!

Come on, you're gonna

have to loosen up a little bit.

Shake it out a little bit, all right

Yeah...

Oh, now you look like

you're trying to hump the wall!

[both laughing]

Okay, all right.

[Bif coughing]

Are you all right?

What's the matter?

Can you get my inhaler?

It's in my cardigan.

[panting]

All right?

- There you go.

- Thanks.

- I didn't know you had asthma.

- [inhales deeply]

Okay?

Mmm... It flares up from time to time.

It's fine now.

I'm sorry for being such a bad host.

Falling asleep on the job.

Don't worry about it. Don't apologise.

You left me in very capable hands.

[panting] I'm fine now.

- All right'?

- Mmm.

[Bif coughing]

Oh...

Use your inhaler!

[whispers] Oh.

[{coughing continues]

Mmm...

- Morning.

- Mmm.

Oh, I'm starving.

What are all those?

They're for the asthma.

I'm dying.

There had better be

a good punchline to this.

How about Stage 4 lung cancer

They referred me to an oncologist,

when they couldn't make out

why my back wasn't mending.

And then I got the result of a scan,

a couple of weeks ago.

[exhales sharply]

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I needed the time,

just to get my head around everything.

So when do you start chemo'?

I'm not going to put myself

through all of that.

You have to.

No, I don't

[Sandra sobs]

I don't want any tears, Charlie.

You aren't getting any.

Oh.

Purely medicinal purposes.

- Mmm

- Can I have a puff?

[both chuckle]

You're the only people I'm telling.

I couldn't bear everyone else to start

treating me like a sick old woman.

What about Jackie and Ted?

What I need most

are things to look forward to.

And if I tell everyone,

it will spoil Rome.

You're not still thinking of going?

No.

I thought I'd just sit here

and wait to die.

[both laugh]

[coughing]

- Buongiorno, madame.

- Buongiorno.

[speaking Italian]

[Jackie] Did you know

she could speak Italian?

- [Sandra] Not a clue!

- [Bit] Okay, everybody, let's get

our glad rags on.

It's called the Eternal City for a reason.

- I'll take it.

- It's all right, Sandra.

I've got cancer, I'm not an amputee!

[church bells tolling]

[Charlie] Stunning!

- Thank you.

- Oh, I meant the view.

- Oh, yes.

- No, no, I'm only joking.

Of course, lam.

Oh, no, you look bellissimo.

Look, Sandra,

I know it's difficult...

Bif has made her choice.

I'm trying to be strong for her,

but we're out from different cloth.

You two are more similar than you realize.

[Italian song playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[laughter]

[song continues]

Ah, it's a good job we don't have

a bloody matine tomorrow.

We do.

What can you do'? Signore!

[Bif] That's exactly

what the doctor ordered.

[Sandra] I've eaten so much,

I think I might need a doctor!

[Bif laughs]

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