Fishing Naked Page #3

FISHING.

FISH ARE ALL TOO SCARED

DOWN HERE. LATER, RC.

SERIOUSLY.

WE JUST SAW BIGFOOT...

ON THE NORTH FORK RIVER.

- SOUTH FORK.

SOUTH FORK RIVER.

WE GOT A PHOTO OF IT.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT, CHET.

WE ARE LIVE:

WITH TONIGHT'S BIG STORY.

BIGFOO ON THE SOUTH FORK RIVER.

WE WANNA SHOW YOU

A VERY DRAMATIC PHOTOGRAPH...

...THAT WAS JUST TAKEN HOURS AGO.

TAKE A LOOK.

NOW, IT IS BLURRY...

HEY, GRANDMA.

...SOME KIND

OF CREATURE...

... WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?

NEWS.

TOURISTS THINK:

THEY SAW A BIGFOOT.

HOLY SH*T.

NO.

- CHARLIE MURPHY.

CHARLIE MURPHY,

YOU WERE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE.

NOW THAT LOOKS LIKE A

VERY FANCY PIECE OF EQUIPMENT.

WITH NO DUE RESPECT, SIR,

WHY IS THIS PHOTO SO BLURRY?

WELL, THE--I HAD ON

A REALLY WIDE LENS,

AND THE CREATURE.

THIS BIG HAIRY THING...

... LOOKED AND MOVED MORE LIKE

AN APE THAN A MAN.

HE WAS REALLY WAY UPSTREAM...

... AND I MIGHT HAVE HAD THE--

I MIGHT HAVE KNOCKED...

... THE AUTO-FOCUS OFF

IN THE EXCITEMENT,

BUT WHAT I'M GONNA DO

IS I'M GONNA GET MY.

REALLY LONG LENS,

AND I'M GONNA COME BACK

OUT HERE EVERY DAY...

...UNTIL I GET A BETTER PICTURE.

EVERY DAY?

NOW, WHY WOULD YOU WAN TO BE OUT HERE EVERY DAY?

TO GET A BETTER PICTURE.

WHAT A DOUCHE BAG.

HOW CLOSE ARE WE GETTING?

RIGHT UP AROUND THE BEND,

JUST CHILL.

NICE.

I SAID CHILL.

THEY WERE IN:

THE MIDDLE OF THE STREAM...

... JUST OFF THAT LITTLE PATH

BY THE ROCK.

WELL, THEY'RE NOT THERE NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU FELLAS

LOOKING FOR?

OH, AMY, JEN.

WE WERE JUST...

... HOPING TO FIND HER NAKED

IN THE RIVER?

YES.

NO.

THIS IS RODNEY.

WHAT'S UP, LADIES?

WOW.

A NEW FAN.

I HOPE YOU'RE NO TOO DISAPPOINTED, RODNEY.

OF COURSE NOT.

YOU KNOW, DAVID,

THIS MAKES TWO STRIKES.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, YOU DIDN'T COME

BY YESTERDAY.

JEN AND I JUST HAD

TO SATISFY EACH OTHER.

JEN SAID YOU GUYS

WERE GOING INTO TOWN.

SILLY, SILLY BOY.

AND TODAY, YOU BROUGHT A FRIEND

WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION.

I'M RODNEY.

OKAY, I'M RODNEY.

AMY. AND THIS IS JEN.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THOSE LINES.

HAVE BEEN IN THE WATER YET.

SINCE YOU'RE NOT FISHING,

YOU CAN HELP US:

WITH OUR LAUNDRY.

I'M NOT REALLY

A LAUNDRY GUY.

OH, REALLY?

THAT'S TOO BAD.

I HAVEN'T TAKEN OFF EVERYTHING

I NEED TO WASH JUST YET.

NICE TO SEE YOU:

HARDLY WORKING, RODNEY.

WELL, I'M KEEPING BUSY.

I SEE THAT.

DAVID UNDERSTANDS

HOW TO TREAT WOMEN.

WE CAN BE VERY GRATEFUL

TO MEN LIKE HIM.

HEY, DAVID.

DO YOU MIND WASHING THIS, TOO?

MAY I HAVE MY VEST BACK?

NO.

SO, DAVID.

YOU'RE FIRST NATIONS, RIGHT?

MOSTLY.

MOSTLY?

MY GRANDFATHER'S WHITE,

BUT I NEVER MET HIM.

WHY?

DAMN GIRL, YOU'RE NOSY.

I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I WAS RAISED IN THE CITY.

I'M GUESSING

IT WASN'T THE PROJECTS.

WHAT TRIBE:

DO YOU BELONG TO?

ACTUALLY, I DON'T KNOW

ANYTHING ABOUT MY HERITAGE.

DO YOU WANNA HEAR

MY STORY?

YEAH, PLEASE.

HERE WE GO.

MY GRANDFATHER:

WAS A RODEO CLOWN...

... WITH A PENCHANT FOR

FOUR-LEGGED COMPANIONSHIP.

HE MET AN UNTIMELY DEMISE

WHEN HE WAS CRUSHED BY A BULL.

MY MOTHER GOT KNOCKED UP...

... BY HER UNIVERSITY

FIRST NATIONS T.A.

FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE.

AS SOON AS I WAS BORN,

THEY SPLI FOR AN ASHRAM IN FRANCE.

MY CHILDHOOD WAS TYPICAL.

TROUT FISHING:

AND SWEAT LODGES.

EACH SPRING, WE'D MIGRATE DOWN

TO THE LOWLANDS...

... WHERE WE WOULD TRAP MOOSE...

... AND DANCE NAKED UNDER

THE LUNAR ECLIPSES...

... COMMITTING PAGAN ACTS

OF DEFIANCE.

PRETTY STANDARD:

FIRST NATIONS STUFF, REALLY.

HE'S JERKING YOUR CHAIN, JEN.

DON'T MOCK HIM, AMY.

IT'S ALL TRUE.

RIGHT.

IT IS.

SERIOUSLY, IT'S ALL TRUE.

TRAPPING MOOSE?

MY GRANDFATHER:

WAS A RODEO CLOWN.

WHO GOT CRUSHED BY A BULL.

SHOULD'VE KNOWN.

I'M AFRAID

THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE.

THAT'S SO SAD.

YOUR LIFE IS THE WEIRDEST.

HEY, DAVID.

DAMN, YOU ARE SUCH A TEASE.

WOO.

GOD, YOU GUYS DID

A TERRIBLE JOB WASHING.

STILL SMELLS:

LIKE A BAG OF A**HOLES.

I DON'T THINK

IT'S YOUR CLOTHES.

I THINK SOMETHING

DIED IN THE WOODS.

GROSS.

DUDE.

- I TOLD YOU.

OH, SO YOU DON'T WANT US

FOR OUR BODIES, JUST OUR POT?

BOTH, PLEASE.

SO, WHAT ARE THESE ORB THINGS?

I DON'T KNOW.

LIKE I SAID,

I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE.

IS IT LIKE 'CLOSE ENCOUNTERS'

KIND OF STUFF...

... OR LIKE 'X-FILES'

KIND OF STUFF?

THEY'RE DESCRIBED

AS GLOWING BALLS OF LIGHT.

THAT MOVE THROUGH THE SKY.

WHAT COLOR ARE THEY?

WHY ARE YOU SO INTERESTED?

I THOUGHT AMY WAS SHINING

A FLASHLIGHT ON ME...

... WHEN I WAS PEEING

AFTER YOU LEFT THE OTHER DAY.

SHE SAID:

I WAS HALLUCINATING.

YOU THINK IT WAS AN ORB?

COULD BE.

BUT MOST PEOPLE:

THAT CLAIM TO HAVE SEEN THEM.

ARE HALLUCINATING

ON A PRETTY REGULAR BASIS.

GREAT.

OH.

WOW.

I LIKE THESE.

MINE.

REALLY?

AMY LIKES TO GO COMMANDO.

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

GOT SOMETHING:

OUT OF MY STUDIES.

A LITTLE MINOR:

IN HORTICULTURE.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS

STICK AROUND FOR DINNER?

WE CAN GET BAKED

AND TELL UFO STORIES.

WORKS FOR ME.

THEN THE HAIRY.

GROTESQUE ARM...

... REACHED UNDER HER COVERS

TO HER MILKY WHITE BREAST.

SHE TRIED TO SCREAM OUT.

BUT WAS OVERCOME

BY HIS EXTRATERRESTRIAL LUST.

BEING TELEPATHICALLY

PROJECTED INTO HER MIND.

AND SHE GRATEFULLY...

OH, MAN.

THAT IS WORSE:

THAN GHOST STORIES.

I HEARD AT MIDDLE SCHOOL

SLEEPOVERS.

IT'S KIND OF SPOOKY.

I GOT TO PEE.

HELLO, TRUSTY ROCK.

COME ON, GUYS,

A LITTLE PRIVACY.

JEEZ, LOUISE,

TURN OFF THE FLASHLIGHT.

HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?

BETTER GHOST STORY

THAN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS.

I SAW AN ORB.

YOU DIDN'T SEE THE LIGHTS?

NO, NO LIGHTS.

I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN

HALLUCINATING AGAIN, SWEETHEART.

BULLSHIT. YOUR SHI ISN'T THAT GOOD.

I'M FREAKING OUT HERE.

WE'RE LIVING OU IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

AND I'M GETTING BUZZED

BY ALIEN ORBS.

WAS IT THREATENING?

YEAH, IT HOVERED OVER ME

WHILE I WAS PEEING.

I'D HOVER OVER YOU PEEING,

WHILE YOU WERE PEEING.

SHUT UP, RODNEY.

I'M GOING TO BED.

BEDTIME.

ALONE.

NO, MAN, I'M GOOD.

DENIED, HUH?

THEY'RE CITY GIRLS.

WE'RE JUST NO REAL OPTIONS FOR THEM.

I'M NOT WILLING TO GIVE UP

THAT EASILY, BUDDY.

I NEVER SAID ANYTHING

ABOUT GIVING UP.

THAT'S WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT.

BOOM.

YEAH.

THAT'S GOOD SH*T.

SURE GOT JEN:

ALL FREAKED OUT.

I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS WATCHING HER.

AND I DON'T THINK.

SHE TOOK:

A REAL DRAG ALL NIGHT.

WHAT, YOU THINK

SHE FAKED IT?

SHE SEEMED LIKE:

SHE WAS REALLY FREAKED.

SHE PROBABLY:

JUST SAW AN OWL.

CHICKS ARE CRAZY.

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW.

GRANDMA SAID SHE SAW

ONE LAST NIGHT.

BRO, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

YOUR GRANDMA IS CRAZIER

THAN BAT-SH*T PANCAKES.

I THINK IT'S TIME

FOR HAIRY MAN...

... TO PAY OUR NEW FRIENDS

A VISIT.

MAN, JEN GETS

SCARED AGAIN...

... AND I THINK

SHE'S JUST GONE.

SO, YOU DON'T THINK

THE CHANCE OF A THREE-WAY...

... IN THE WOODS

IS WORTH THE RISK?

THINK ABOUT IT.

HUH?

WELL, WHEN YOU PUT I THAT WAY, IT MIGHT WORK.

YEAH, YOU BET YOUR ASS

IT'LL WORK, MAN.

AS SOON AS THEY SEE HAIRY MAN.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE SO GRATEFUL...

... FOR YOUR PROTECTION,

THEY'RE GOING

TO BE LIKE, 'UHHHHH.'

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