Fist Fight Page #4

- No.

You see those twins out there?

HOLLY:
Oh, yeah. The hot ones?

The one on the left's

been playing games with me all year.

Hey, hey!

Hey, Nathaniel.

Hey, what's up?

He wants to f*** me.

He's just playing games.

Yeah. You know how that story ends,

right? You've seen it on the news?

Oh, with the teachers

who go for the students?

Getting arrested and

going to jail for many...

Yeah.

The news always, like,

leaves out the good part.

They never tell how the

teacher does the seduction.

Right. Never mind.

What's your point with the twins?

Watch this sh*t. Nathaniel!

Give your brother 85%.

CRAWFORD:
Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

CAMPBELL:
Oh, sh*t!

- Right on the Flintstone.

- That was hot.

At 100%, it's a toss-up

whether the other twin gets back up.

CAMPBELL:
Well, that's not good

because Strickland's

definitely gonna punch me at 100%.

Oh, no. He gonna punch you at 110%.

At which point you won't be playing dead.

You will be dead.

All right. Well, 110% is not a real thing

'cause 100 is the max that you can go.

Can I get over here to elaborate with him?

Thank you.

See, he's gonna be aiming for a target

in the center of your skull,

which is gonna compound

the energy as it connects,

which is gonna automatically scramble

all the gray

and white matter in your brain

that controls logic, personality,

social and sexual behavior.

So at 110%?

Oh, he most definitely is gonna

knock all the sex out of you.

Ah, Jesus Christ.

Now, maybe you'll duck and he misses.

But that's a big-ass maybe.

Right, but if he does, I... I'll just run.

No. I never said nothing about no running.

Who's you? Seabiscuit?

That was a great talk.

Like, so super-helpful.

- Both of you, really.

- Yeah.

Super-great.

I'm gonna figure this out some other way.

- Campbell, you know my style.

- Yeah.

I drop it like it's hot,

and then sometimes

I pick it up when it's cold.

- My man.

- All right.

I didn't understand a word of that.

I'll see ya.

- (BOTH LAUGHING)

- MEHAR:
No!

No! No!

- Dude, let's go!

- Stop!

Not on my watch!

(TIRES SCREECH)

You guys are not allowed to leave campus.

You need the proper paperwork to leave!

STUDENT:
(LAUGHING)

I make more money than you!

- Mehar! Hey.

- Hey.

I need some help with something.

Mr. Strickland was fired today,

and I noticed that his car is still here.

Well, technically, he has until

the end of school day

to vacate school grounds.

This is embarrassing.

He's challenged me to a fight.

So I'm in an unsafe situation here.

Oh, that sucks. He's gonna win.

- Flex.

- I'm not gonna flex.

- Flex.

- Fine.

- Flex.

- I am flexing.

There's nothing there.

All right, look, come on. This is...

- This is the problem.

- It is a problem.

Can you get him out of here or what?

Well, if it's going to occur after school,

then it's not really my jurisdiction

because I'm the school security guard

and not the world security guard.

Oh, come on, man...

I don't, like, try and stop

terrorist attacks or...

I'm just asking you to do your job here.

You're asking me to do the job of security

guard after 3:
00, when I'm not...

So you're telling me that

there's nothing you can do?

I could do CPR.

I could potentially revive

you after he renders you unconscious.

But again,

only if it's during school hours.

- Yeah. Okay. Look.

- Yeah.

If it's after school hours,

you're just gonna lay there

all night until 7:00 a.m.,

when I'll come and save your life.

Sh*t. All right.

You cussed. I'm gonna write you up!

Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MS. MONET:
Ronald?

I heard you challenged

Mr. Campbell to a fist fight.

Why?

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Well, I disagree.

Why is that?

Your fist isn't going

to solve the problem.

You need a knife.

This man is a pervert.

Simply punching him is not enough.

You need to cut him

from his forehead

all the way down to his chin.

Damn, lady.

I got this.

Very well.

That b*tch crazy.

CAMPBELL:
Okay, Neil,

so I think if you talk to Principal Tyler

and just kind of reverse that story,

everything will get worked out.

So you want me to say

I just made the whole thing up?

Yeah.

Why would I do that?

Well, because this is all your fault.

How? You're the one who tattled.

I was in a very compromising situation.

You would've done the same exact thing.

I was in the exact same situation

and did the opposite thing.

Well, it's not the same

exact situation, Neil,

because you don't have a wife and kids,

so you don't know what

the f*** you're talking about.

Listen... I... (SIGHS)

Come on, man, you gotta help me out here.

Look, this has been a huge day

for me, Mr. Campbell.

Do you know how many hits we've

got on the newspaper website?

I mean, even kids who go to

Churchill are reading about this.

This is what I'm trying to

f***ing avoid here, Neil.

People are going to get hurt.

I'm going to get...

Neil, come on.

Buddy, let's do the right thing here.

All right?

Okay. Fine.

MacBook Pro.

I'm sorry, what?

I'll do it for a MacBook Pro.

Are you trying to blackmail me?

Want me to lie for you or not?

Hey, buddy, let's get one thing straight.

I'm still a teacher at this school, okay?

Are you?

Yes! I could get you in

a lot of trouble, Neil. Okay?

How would you like it if I talked to your

faculty advisor about this?

My faculty advisor's Mr. Strickland.

God damn it.

You know, with the AppleCare, too.

(LOUDLY) Yeah?

I'll see you later, Mr. Campbell.

Okay.

What a day.

(TIRES SCREECH)

(PANTING)

How can I help you?

One MacBook Pro, please.

Okay.

Okie-dokie. Got it.

Andy?

- Hey! (LAUGHS)

- Hey!

- What?

- I know! What are you...

(STAMMERS) What is this?

Why are you guys here?

Why aren't you in school?

Oh, I pulled her from P.E.

We had to get a new outfit

for the talent show.

Apparently the old one wasn't good enough.

But, honey, why are you here?

It's 11:
30. Shouldn't you be in class?

Is it 11:
30?

Yeah, usually I have class now,

but I think...

Uh, yeah, I...

Wait.

Did you lose your job?

No. What?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I knew that you wouldn't

stand up to these people. I just knew it.

- I knew it.

- Wait, I'm sorry, what do you mean,

you knew I wouldn't stand up to them?

That came out wrong.

What I'm saying

is that, you know, sometimes,

you just let people push you around.

- I do?

- It's... Yeah.

- It's just your thing.

- I have a thing?

Well, yeah. You're... You're the nice guy,

and then people are like,

"Hey, I'm gonna stomp on that guy."

You're spinning out, okay?

Everything really is okay.

I don't know why you don't believe me.

Just 'cause you're

acting kinda nervous and...

Well, you caught me off guard!

You're a little shifty, Daddy.

Why are you here, Andy?

Yeah, Daddy, why are you here?

(NERVOUSLY) Uh...

Buying your mom a computer.

Stop it right now.

Yeah, it was supposed to be a surprise...

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