Fist Fight Page #5

What? Honey, this is a MacBook!

- Pro.

- Pro?

- With AppleCare.

- This is the most expensive one!

It's the most expensive one!

And you insisted on us

getting the cheaper one not too long ago.

- I don't know what I was thinking!

- I don't either.

Because technology's always changing.

You gotta keep up.

Otherwise,

you're one of those dumb families

that doesn't have a MacBook Pro.

I ruined the surprise.

Now, let's talk about you.

Why are you changing the song

and wanting to change your outfit?

MAGGIE:
Tell your daddy.

Remember Trisha?

Yeah, sure.

She's been making fun of me all year.

And now she's saying it's lame

I'm doing a dance from Rent with my dad.

That's not a lame thing.

You know what? Look, Trisha's lame.

No, she's not.

She always wins the talent show.

Maybe you'll win the talent show. Right?

I've been practicing all the moves!

- MAGGIE:
Oh!

- You know what I mean? I got them down!

I'm not gonna let you down. Right? Okay?

And see, there's the smile I need!

- See, now you're happy and you're happy.

- I am.

Let's get you back to school.

- Okay. Bye, Daddy. I love you.

- I love you, too.

Everybody stop worrying

and panicking, and get going.

- Come on, go!

- Thank you!

A-get, get, get, get, get, get. (LAUGHS)

(PANTS) Hi.

Hey. Back so soon?

- Yeah, I'm gonna need another one.

- Okay.

Oh, and do you mind spreading this

one around a little bit?

Yeah.

Hey, man, did you hear

about this teacher fight?

It's gonna be f***in' awesome.

F*** me.

HOLLY:
Hey, what is that? Baby oil?

Hey, stop... Stop that.

Hey!

- (IRV GROANS)

- (STUDENTS LAUGH)

Twenty-two years of this

motherfucking high school!

So, uh, the truth is,

I was mad at Mr. Strickland

because he'd given me

a bad, but fair grade

- on my last test.

- Yeah.

And, you know, he never

lashed out at me or anything like that.

No.

And my desk broke because

I was leaning on it.

You leaned on it,

and then you blamed the teacher.

Unbelievable.

- Yeah.

- Unbelievable.

And Mr. Strickland got in a

lot of trouble because of you.

Whew!

You know this completely contradicts

your statement, right, Campbell?

Look, we can get caught up

in the whole statement game.

Who said what and what they

meant by what they said,

and what words mean when people say them,

and, you know, who's making

a statement and what the statement means,

and whose statement has something to do

with something that someone else says.

And, see, statements get...

(STAMMERS) You know? And then...

You said he chopped it with a f***ing ax.

Yeah, I know I said

the chopping thing, didn't I?

Yeah. But you know what?

I was looking at the AV system,

and I heard the crash

and, you know, I did...

You know how when you do one of

these and you're like, "Oh, my God."

And then your hands are

flying in front of your face,

and, like, that can look like chopping.

But you were right there.

He had the best view

- of his own seat.

- Yeah.

So, forget my statement

'cause I wasn't in the right...

- It was chaotic.

- It was chaotic. Yeah.

And shame on you because we have been

through an ordeal over all of this.

You should have

come out and said that in the first place.

- So...

- He's right.

Yeah, so there you have it.

All right, I guess

if that's your statement,

we got no issue with Strickland.

I'll tell him he can keep his job for now.

Oh! (EXHALES)

Sir, thank you so much.

That is fantastic news.

I wouldn't get too happy, Campbell.

Because you're still under review,

and you put me through

a lot of sh*t today.

Okay. Yeah, okay.

Now, here's my statement.

Get the f*** out of my office

and don't come back today.

Okay, yeah. Let's get out

of here on these terms.

Thank you again, for the...

Are you kidding me?

- Hey!

- Hey.

Hi. Oh, my God. How you feeling?

Please tell me it's not a student.

Is it a student?

No. I'm not actually pregnant.

No, I would never sleep with a student.

- Good.

- Without protection.

By the way, did that twin

say anything to you about me?

No. He doesn't talk to me

about you at all.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

You know why? He's dating a cheerleader.

(SIGHS) Games.

I think it's because you're

20 years older than him.

But in bed,

it's like numbers don't matter.

Except for the number of pumps.

What? I'm sorry. You count pumps?

I like stats.

That's crazy.

Hmm. Isn't it weird, though?

- How, like, we're at work...

- Yeah.

We're just, like,

seeing these kids grow up

and then one day it's just like, bam,

they're 18 and you can f*** 'em.

No.

- How that's just, like, a thing?

- It's really not a thing.

Or how they're like, "Slow down!

"Don't run in the hallways."

- Yeah.

- And then you're like,

- "Do you have a condom?"

- Creeping on them and trying to...

I want that teenage dick, you know?

I want that teenis.

Holly, why are you texting me

that you're pregnant?

I... I gotta be in class.

Can you just wait one second?

'Cause it's all gonna make sense.

- What's going on?

- Here we go.

- Who raped you?

- No, no, no.

Campbell, did you rape this woman?

Whoa, whoa! What?

I 911 texted him. There's been no rape.

Thank you for your bravery.

Well, what's going on?

What the f*** is going on?

That's a great question.

Okay, I'm sorry for misleading you both,

but this is a mediation.

Said that like American Idol.

- A mediation?

- Yeah.

No. Doesn't matter. Don't need it, okay?

Because I... I got you your job back.

You did what?

Yeah. I talked to Principal Tyler

and we worked it out.

So, your job is safe, and...

And we're all good here now.

You should've talked to me

before you did that.

Oh. Uh...

Okay. Sorry about that.

I didn't realize you felt that way,

but look, hey,

consider it a nice surprise.

So, we're good.

You're such a little coward.

Yeah, you are a p*ssy.

You can't even ask a man

a simple question.

(STAMMERS) Hey, I thought you'd be happy.

Ask the man a question.

Yeah, I could put it in question form.

- Do you want your job back?

- No!

I'm done with this place,

and I woulda told you that

if you weren't

in my goddamn business again.

Let's watch out for gun fingers.

CAMPBELL:
I'm confused on one thing here.

You don't want your job?

No.

Then why the f*** are you trying to

pick a fight with me, man?

And why did I just spend thousands of

dollars buying two MacBook Pros?

I don't know why you do half

the sh*t you do, Campbell.

Okay, we're yelling too much!

We're yelling at each other too much.

Yeah. No sh*t!

It's not going well right now, you guys.

- It's not going well at all.

- No.

This is why I'm here, okay?

I'm a guidance counselor.

So use me! All right?

Let's take a seat.

- Are we walking towards the seats?

- He doesn't want the...

Yeah, but if you don't want the job,

what is the...

Kill the motherf***er today.

I swear to God.

Okay, so right off the bat,

I'm noticing that Campbell,

you're sitting at Israel.

And Strickland, you've chosen Iran.

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