Fist Fight Page #6

Okay, I'm wondering

if that's maybe sending a hostile message.

You know, if we can get you

to an ally country, you know,

Italy or Spain or France.

North Korea.

That's a choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Campbell, do you wanna find an ally?

Holly, I'm gonna move past this.

Okay? Look... I'm sorry you don't want

your job back, but I did my part.

I made things right, okay?

- So, the fight is off.

- (SCOFFS)

Okay, Campbell feels that

the fight should be off.

Strickland, how do you feel?

- No, the fight is still on.

- Strickland feels the fight is still on.

Yeah, no sh*t!

I can hear the man speaking.

- All right.

- Look, why?

Because actions have consequences,

and everybody around here

seem to forget about that.

These students,

they sh*t on this school all day

and don't nobody do nothing.

Little kids, they come in last place,

and pussies like you,

you wanna give 'em a trophy.

I say f*** a trophy.

Nobody's being held accountable anymore.

So, I'mma hold you accountable.

Yeah, you ratted on me.

Now you got to pay the price.

I'mma kick yo' ass at the end of the day

in front of everybody.

And you can consider this my final lesson.

Yeah, you guys should f***ing fight.

This is crazy, you know?

Do you hear yourself?

I mean, you've become unhinged!

Maybe.

But let me tell you something.

You don't show up

to that fight this afternoon,

an unhinged man might wanna

do something real nasty to you.

An unhinged man might show up

at your house with

a year's supply of duct tape.

Pop out the bushes.

Gut your ass like a fish.

I could take my revenge anytime, anywhere.

(BANGS TABLE)

See you after school.

Booty kick!

(SIGHS)

OPERATOR:
Nine-one-one.

What's your emergency?

Yes, hi.

There's a crazy guy at my high school.

He's trying to beat me up.

Nine-one-one is for emergencies only.

If you have a problem with a bully,

I need you to speak to a teacher.

No... I am a teacher.

Excuse me?

It's actually another teacher

who's gonna beat me up after school,

- so that's why I'm calling.

- I'm sorry,

can you repeat what you just told me?

Okay.

My name is Andrew Campbell.

I'm a teacher at Roosevelt High School.

There's another teacher here

who wants to have

a fist fight with me after school.

So, I need help.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, very funny! Assault is a real thing.

I would like you to stop

laughing and listen to my...

You're a grown man.

Now go on and take that ass-whoopin'.

- I'm asking you for help and...

- (LINE DISCONNECTS)

F***!

(CHUCKLING)

It takes courage...

To become...

People when you're older.

And words are...

Use... Useless.

Apparently.

Uh...

Guys, you know,

look, you try to be a nice guy, right?

And treat everyone with respect,

but you don't get it.

You don't get it back in return.

You know why?

'Cause nice guys, they finish last.

Yeah.

Everything is f***ed up.

This is a f***ed up school,

filled with lunatic teachers!

Your teachers are f***ing nuts!

Man, this is f***ed up.

He's having a breakdown.

- We can't prank him.

- Shh!

And you're gonna say,

"Hey, I'm a nice guy. I'm doing okay."

And the world is gonna

unzip its pants, pull them down,

and take a giant f***ing sh*t

all over you guys.

I just can't win, guys!

I cannot win.

Why is there rope around my feet?

- (GROANS)

- (STUDENTS EXCLAIM)

(SCREAMING)

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Motherfucking little

motherfucking sons of b*tches!

This ain't right.

Playing pranks used to be fun.

This sh*t is getting violent.

I look like a f***ing minion!

Holy cow! They got both of you, huh?

Man, I gotta get pranked.

All right, you know what?

I'm f***ing done with this sh*t.

Yeah. I really am.

No more Mr. Nice Guy, right?

No more playing by the rules

like a stupid little b*tch,

who didn't realize everyone else

in the school threw

the rulebook out years ago.

All right?

Strickland wants to f*** with me,

and the kids want to f*** with me.

Everyone wants to f*** with me.

Guess what though?

Campbell's gonna f*** right back.

Yeah, let's get laid.

I'm trying to...

I'm trying to explain that I'm gonna...

Holly, shut up!

Shut the f*** up! You're always...

(GRUNTS)

I'm sorry.

I lashed out.

This has not been a good day.

So here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna frame Strickland

for a crime he didn't commit.

Wait. What? You're gonna do what?

Something occurred to me

as I was getting dragged down

a flight of stairs by a horse on meth.

I get some meth, right?

I stick it in his classroom or some sh*t.

I tip off the cops, they show up,

and then boom! They arrest him.

And I'm not gonna be in a fight today.

Hey! Maybe I won't be in a fight ever

'cause I don't know what kinda

past record this guy has.

Yes. Yes, I f***ing love this plan.

Let's do it! Yes!

Okay. Right? See? Good! Holly's with me.

I wouldn't tangle with no police.

I'm from the streets.

You do not go to no cops, okay?

You might have to just man up

and throw down with this dude.

Come on, Coach. I can't fight him.

You said it yourself.

I don't know, Campbell.

I don't know. Maybe I was wrong.

You're so pissed off right now,

you might even win.

You really think I could win?

Tell you something.

All it takes is one punch.

All right. I just... I just don't know

the first thing about fighting.

- Make a fist.

- (SIGHS)

- Come on! Make a fist!

- Okay. Okay. Okay.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah.

This the f***ing 1700s?

I don't know! I...

Get your fists up.

Protect yourself before

you get punched in the head!

All right. Like how? Show me how!

(SCREAMS)

- F***!

- What?

CAMPBELL:
What the f*** was that?

Was that too hard? 'Cause it felt awesome.

Punched me right in my f***ing ear.

- Ah! Sh*t! Why did you do that?

- 'Cause you said, "Like how?"

When he was talking about

getting hit in the head.

I meant, "Like how do I make a fist?"

Not, "Like how do I get

punched in the f***ing head?"

- Oh, Jesus Christ!

- Got it.

That makes sense.

I wasn't listening to the conversation.

- Yeah! No sh*t!

- I kind of zoned out. I was bored.

God damn it.

Well, obviously I can't fight this guy.

No.

So, back to the meth idea?

- Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

- Best shot you got.

- That's all I got, right?

- HOLLY:
Yeah.

Okay, so, Holly, give me some meth.

Me? Yeah, no. I don't have drugs.

I thought you said you did.

No, I don't do drugs at school.

I do them before I come to school.

Sh*t. All right.

Well, where am I gonna get drugs?

Campbell, this is a public high school

in the United States of America.

There literally could not be

a better place to buy drugs.

CAMPBELL:
(ON VIDEO)

Yes, hi. There's a crazy guy

- at my high school.

- Hey. I need your help.

- What's up?

- Nine-one-one is for emergencies only.

- What the f*** is this?

- It's my new MacBook Pro.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)

My name is Andrew Campbell.

Andrew Campbell. Andrew Campbell.

Is that my 911 call?

This kid in Taiwan

made a YouTube video about it.

It's so awesome!

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