Flirting with Disaster Page #11

- You know, it's been a long day...

and, uh, I'm really, really tired.

So, uh, I'm gonna,

I'm gonna hit the hay.

Thank you very much for, um, dinner.

It was wonderful.

- My love in Paris

- Shh!

- Knows my secret

-Just go with it.Just go with it.

- He's gonna be fine.

- She's a great guide.

- I'm, I'm sure you are

an excellent guide.

And I would like to thank you again

for this wonderful evening.

It was really great.

- It was great seeing you. Yeah.

- Yeah. Thanks.

- I mean, I loved meeting you.

I loved meeting you too,

and I'm just gonna hit the hay.

- Now, you're sure

that you don't want dessert?

- Really feel awful.

- No.

- Um, I think I'm gonna

lay off the food, yeah.

- Close.

- If you get hungry later,

it's in the fridge, okay?

- Okay, good night.

Nighty-night, you two. Uh, night.

- Will do. Yum! Good night.

- Chocolate mousse. You're gonna

love it. You're gonna-- Yeah.

- Very nice to meet you.

It was really great.

- See ya, Tina.

- Tina! Good night, Tina.

- Go with it, Paul.

- I guess it's just

one of those ex-felon...

pro-acid kind of non-smoking homes.

It's a weird, weird home.

And where's Nancy? Where is she?

- She's somewhere in one of these

rooms with Tony. They're in there--

- You know what, Mel?

You need to settle down.

This is overwhelming.

This is hitting you all at once.

You know what, sweetheart? Just--

Just come in here for a second.

We'll just sit down, cool off a bit.

Boy!

Oh, boy.

Well, you know,

what did I expect, right?

I'm sorry this is all

hitting you at the same time...

but after it passes and things settle

down, you can think about starting over.

- Why can't you just use soap?

- You know, soap dries your skin out.

Not that I'm one of those women

who obsesses about old-looking

skin after pregnancy.

- I just happen to be obsessing

about it right now.

- Well--

- Wait, wait, wait.

- You know, you're absolutely right.

We don't need to rush into this.

- I haven't even

finalized my divorce yet.

- No, I could've kissed you just now...

and felt okay about it, but I didn't,

and I felt really wrong.

Don't take this personally,

but with all your nervous energy...

you kinda remind me

of my mother. Ow!

- Do you mind if I look at your armpit?

- My armpit?

Yeah, it's my favourite part of

a woman's body. I mean, it-- May I?

- What's attractive about an armpit?

- Are you kidding? Lots of things.

Look at this, the definition.

Look at the contours here.

The depth of the pocket.

Feel that? So nice.

- Of course I feel rejected.

- I'm sorry.

But I shouldn't. You're not

an appropriate partner for me.

Your life's a mess, and you

don't make enough money anyway.

That's a really nasty thing to say.

You just told me

I reminded you of your mother.

Well, she's-- I mean,

she's a good person.

She's got a lot of great qualities.

Uh, uh--

I don't want to wreck your marriage.

I know how painful that that can be.

My marriage is obviously

vulnerable at this point.

Every marriage is vulnerable,

otherwise being married...

wouldn't mean anything, would it?

- Paul.

- Tony. I need to see Tony.

- No, I want you to--

- I want you to tell me if

you have a favourite animal.

- Oh, that's so stupid.

Listen to what Mary says. She's

a great guide, okay? Just listen to her.

- Okay.

- What's your--

- A dog.

- A dog. Uh, what is your favourite dog?

- A coll-- St Bernard. St Bernard.

St Bernard. Good. I want you

to picture a big, furry St Bernard

curled up by the fireplace.

- Can I change my mind? Yeah.

- No, no, we're-- we're gonna

stick with the St Bernard.

- I want to do a Springer Spaniel.

- No, it doesn't have to be

the perfect dog.

- Uh, Dalmatian. Dal--

- No, no, no. D--

- Okay, Dalmatian. Now,

this dog represents security--

- Schnauzer.

- What?

- Schnauzer.

- Shut the f*** up!

- I am trying to help you.

Do you understand me?

- Hey, come on, sweetheart.

- You're so good.Just relax, okay?

Just take it easy now. Take it easy.

- Okay. Okay, okay. Paul! Paul!

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!

Can we stop

all this craziness, huh?

- Yes! I wasn't even enjoying that.

- It seems like you were enjoying it.

- The attention, maybe, but--

- Okay. All right.

Time for you to go, okay?

You haven't been treating her very well.

Do you know that?

Oh, uh-- You know what? You know what,

buddy? You know, you got a lot of nerve.

You come in here,

you lick my wife's armpit.

You know, you-- I, uh, uh, uh--

I'm gonna have that image in my head...

- for the rest of my life of your tongue

in there. I-- It's, it's, it's--

- You deserve it.

- This is felonious,

and I want to make an arrest.

- Warm him up.

- Shh!

- What? What he say?

- He's tripping his brains out.

- He doesn't know who he is.

- Did he say-- he say-- He said

arrest. What do you mean he--

We don't know who he is.

- He's Mel's friend Paul.

- I know exactly who I am.

I'm Paul Harmon.

- Good.

- Bureau of Tobacco, Tobacco,

and Tobacco.

- Good. What is this, Paul?

- It is a badge.

- What kind of badge?

- I'm a Special Agent man.

Twenty years in the service.

Graduated fourth in my class.

- Is this a-- Is this a joke?

- I don't joke about those things.

- Goddam it.

- I knew it was weird.

I knew it. When they called up

out of the blue like that, I knew.

- He's--

- No, you had to see your son.

- He's kidding. He's making a joke.

He's just-- Oh.

- You're not kidding. Sh*t.

- I am not kidding.

Everything is under control.

- Okay. All right.

All right. I want you to both move over

against that wall. This is an arrest.

You have the right to remain silent.

You have the right to an attorney.

If you cannot afford an attorney,

we will provide an attorney for you...

because we provide things

for you people all the--

Oh! That really hurt.

I can't follow your fickle

little moods all over the place.

- That has got to change.

- Okay, I will. I promise.

If you just give me a chance,

let me show you I can be less selfish.

I-- I-I will show you.

You will get concrete results.

You have got to earn that back

with some consistent behaviour, pal.

Look, I'm sorry I acted this way.

I'm sorry I've treated you this way.

I-- I've got to be out of my mind

to risk losing you.

- You don't hit another human being!

- Will you be quiet!

- My-- Goddam it!

Just shut the hell up!

Just be quiet.

All right, nobody heard us

upstairs. We're all right.

- We have to get him to a doctor.

- Oh, no. There's no doctor.

Forget the doctor.

- What, no doctor? He's hurt. Paul.

- I've gotta think of what

we're gonna do.Just give me a minute.

- Paul, wake up. Wake up, Paul.

- I'm not-- I'm not goin' back to jail.

I'm not going back to jail.

- Paul, wake up.

- You know where I'm goin'? I'm goin'

to Mexico. We're all goin' to Mexico.

- And we're taking him as a hostage.

- A hostage?

- Cool!

- What are you talking about?

- I'm not going to jail again.

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