Flock of Dudes Page #5

Double date.

Oh, well, who are you

gon... oh, uh, you know.

Um, about Barrett...

He, uh... actually...

Yeah, I've been texting him,

and I haven't heard back.

Did he die?

Because that keeps

happening to me.

No, he didn't die.

So I'll just keep on texting

him then if he's not dead.

Um, question.

Uh, yeah?

Where do you think Barrett

stands on the whole unicorn

philosophy?

What Phil...

Do you think he's into it?

Or do you think he's against it?

Uh, I don't know.

I think maybe he's

not too into unicorns.

But, I mean, that

can be negotiable.

I guess anything is negotiable.

I totally thought so.

Right.

Yes.

I'm so excited you're

gonna go out with Krista.

This is awesome.

And she's not your

typical actress girl.

She's great.

She's like the most

normal person I now.

Mm.

I'm having the best time.

Oh, good.

Yeah.

Once I told Jamie that I

over my black-guy phase,

she was all like,

I'm gonna set you up.

And there you are.

Here you are.

- Oh, yeah.

OK.

They say you once you go

black, you never go back.

Well, you do once

your parents threaten

to take away your inheritance.

Now, I'm kidding.

I just don't want

to be a stepmom.

Oh.

Oh.

That's... that's so racist.

That's...

So enough about me.

I want to know about you, OK?

Tell me everything.

Everything.

OK.

Um, uh, well, I was just...

I was born outside of LA.

Oh my god, we should

just get crazy right now!

Am I right?

Oh, my god.

Can we have two butter nipples?

Not these.

Those.

Hey, do you want a head shot?

Oh, I don't... I

don't think a head...

Don't I look like such a

whore but in the best way?

Right.

You know what I'm saying?

That's all yours.

I don't need this.

I'm not really...

Yeah, most of the

special skills on the back

are total bullshit.

I do not speak French.

I do not kayak.

The last thing on

there... that's true.

How is... how is "no

gag reflex" something

that's considered something that

you would put on this paper?

I don't...

- I'll show you.

So you just...

- No, no, no.

Uh-huh.

Oh, OK, I get it.

Hmm?

I get it.

Tada.

- Mm.

- Right?

Your hands smell a little

weird, but you get over it.

- Cool.

- How's this?

Uh...

Mm!

I hate beer.

I forgot.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Cheers.

Woo!

So good.

Ha-ha-ha.

So, uh, you got your, uh,

car in valet too, or...

Oh, no, no.

I cannot drive.

I am so drunk.

Hey, let's just go

back to your place.

Um, you know what?

I probably shouldn't... I

probably shouldn't do that,

because, uh...

- No, come on!

Take me to your

place, you b*tch!

This is your car?

Yeah.

This is it?

I'm getting in.

Oh, god!

I'm sorry.

Oh, that butt.

Oh, that butt.

- Hey, you know what?

I don't think we can do this.

I don't have protection on me.

Oh.

Good thing you said

something, because I do.

OK.

Always.

What, do you just

have those on you?

We are so gonna f***!

Shh, shh.

My brother and his fiancee

are in the next room,

so we have to be quiet, OK?

Do you want them to catch?

- Of f***ing course not!

- I'm totally.

No, no way..

Stay there.

- OK.

- Stay there,.

- Oh, Jesus.

Ugh!

This... this is happening?

Oh, it is f***ing

happening, mister!

Ready?

- Yeah.

Oh, are you serious?

F***ing aah!

Get ready for the

ride of your life,

because I watch a

fuckload of porn!

How do you like this?

Take it!

No.

Can you breathe?

Take it.

I'm not gonna pee on you.

I hope that's cool with you.

It reminds of an ex.

You're legitimately

scaring the sh*t out of me.

You have your yellow fever shot?

Uh...

Because you are about to

enter the f***ing jungle.

Yeah!

What is it?

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Hey, for real?

Braise yourself.

Time to feed the tiger.

No!

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Rah!

Oh, f***.

Good morning!

Hey.

Hey, um, what

happened last night?

Because I never get

that drunk, like, ever.

Did you, um, roofie me maybe?

You're just so naughty.

You must've worked

up an appetite,

so I'm going to

make you eggs, OK?

Oh.

And speaking of eggs, there's

a lot going on down here.

So maybe the condom broke.

One can hope, right?

Oh, hey, guys.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

Go back to bed.

Go back to bed.

You don't need to,

uh, be up this early.

I can make you

breakfast, seriously.

- Oh, that's sweet.

- Really?

That's sweet.

An old-school Adam omelette?

I'm down.

Yeah, well, it's the

least I can do, you know?

I mean, just relax.

Go back to bed, really.

What's going on in my kitchen?

Go, my go... my god.

Um, it, uh, just kinda happened.

Um...

What is on her ass?

What is that?

Yeah, it's of, uh, a tiger.

Um...

Oh.

Oh.

Is that why we heard growling

and crying last night?

Because I thought you

were just watching

Animal Planet stoned again.

No.

No.

Well, uh... when you...

She bounces up and down...

Don't.

Stop.

Oh, my god.

What did you do?

Her ass cheeks go like this,

and a tiger goes like this.

Oh, my god.

Oh.

I don't... oh, my god!

- Come on.

- You know what?

Tell her to get some

underwear on, OK?

OK.

I'll handle it, baby.

I will handle it with care.

Hey, but seriously.

What?

Tell me everything.

When you do

doggy style with her... when

you do doggy style with her...

- Right.

It looks like the tiger's

going like... it looks like

the tiger's going like this.

I see what's

happening, 'cause it's

like... it's kind of

like the cartoon tiger,

except it's hornier.

Yeah, have you ever

seen that YouTube

video where the panda sneezes?

Yeah.

It's like that, only

with a tiger butt.

It's with an

a**hole for a mouth.

All right.

No.

What?

No!

No!

I need a good toss

from you, honey.

Take five.

Hey, you came.

You know, I thought that this

was gonna like an ironic thing.

But you guys really take

this seriously, huh?

Yeah, some of us

more than others.

You should stretch

before we start.

I'm not kidding. you

will thank me later, OK?

OK.

Yeah, stretch.

Jesus.

Hey.

What the hell are

you doing here, man?

Just trying something new.

What are you doing?

I always wanted to be a part

of my office kickball league.

It's one of my dreams.

So here I am.

Heh.

But unlike you, I'm... I'm

doing it with some dignity.

You're wearing jean

shorts to a kickball game?

I mean, heh-heh.

You know what?

I just kind of decided I... I

was too old to have jeans with

holes in them, and I just...

Oh, my god.

Yeah?

These were your cool jeans.

Your amazing cool jeans

that I worship that

had the most perfect

hole right in the knee...

A hole that you earned.

You cut those jeans

into jean shorts?

Who are you, man?

I don't... I don't

know who you are.

It's really not a big deal, man.

I don't know why... why you're

getting all bent out of shape.

Yeah, well, just so you know,

OK, whenever I close my eyes,

I'm going to picture

you in your cool jeans.

OK.

Not any f***ing jean shorts, OK?

How about this?

Uh, we're broken

up, and we actually

shouldn't be talking,

much less closing our eyes

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