Four Weddings and a Funeral Page #6

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However, I must also say...

...that I'm quite happy

to be upstaged by this woman...

...for the rest of my life.

Some barracking at the back again?

Something we politicians are used to.

- Sh*t. Find a doctor.

- Right. Okay.

First, I want to extend my

compliments to the bridesmaids.

You did your duty superbly.

I intend to use you every time

I get married from now on.

I want to thank all those wonderful

ladies of the parish...

...who did the flowers in the church.

The stern old building took on

a look of flushing youth today.

I remember the first time

I laid eyes on Caroline.

I thought to myself, "If by any chance

she's shortsighted...

...I might just be happy

for the rest of my life."

I thought I could see my future

for the first time.

It was a joyful one...

...for years and years to come.

For he's a jolly good fellow

For they are jolly good fellows

For they are jolly good fellows

And so say all of us

Good morning, and a warm welcome

to you all on this cold day.

Our service will begin

in a few minutes.

But first we have asked Matthew...

...Gareth's closest friend,

to say a few words.

Gareth used to prefer

funerals to weddings.

He said it was easier to get

enthusiastic about a ceremony...

...one had an outside chance of

eventually being involved in.

In order to prepare this speech, I rang

people to get a general picture...

...of how Gareth was regarded

by those who met him.

"Fat" seems to have been a word

people most connected with him.

"Terribly rude" also rang

a lot of bells.

"So very fat and very rude" seems to

have been the stranger's viewpoint.

On the other hand, some of you have

rung me to say that you loved him...

...which I know he would have been

thrilled to hear.

You remember his fabulous

hospitality.

His strange experimental cooking.

The recipe for duck la banana...

...fortunately goes with him

to his grave.

Most of all...

...you tell me of his enormous

capacity for joy.

And when joyful...

When joyful, for highly vocal

drunkenness.

But I hope joyful is how

you will remember him.

Not stuck in a box in a church.

Pick your favorite of his waistcoats

and remember him that way.

The most splendid...

...replete...

...big-hearted...

Weak-hearted, as it turned out.

- And jolly bugger

most of us ever met.

As for me, you may ask

how I will remember him.

What I thought of him.

Unfortunately, there

I run out of words.

Forgive me if I turn from

my own feelings...

...to the words of another

splendid bugger:

W.H. Auden.

This is actually what I want to say:

"Stop all the clocks.

Cut off the telephone.

Prevent the dog from barking

with a juicy bone.

Silence the pianos,

and with muffled drum...

...bring out the coffin.

Let the mourners come.

Let the airplanes circle,

moaning overhead...

...scribbling on the sky the message:

He is dead.

Put great bows around the white necks

of the public doves.

Let traffic policemen

wear black cotton gloves.

He was my north, my south,

my east and west.

My working week and my Sunday rest.

My noon, my midnight,

my talk, my song.

I thought that love

would last forever...

...I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now...

... put out every one.

Pack up the moon

and dismantle the sun.

Pour away the ocean

and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now can ever

come to any good."

Bye, now.

I'll take you home, Scarlett.

It's good of you to come.

Must have been the shortest

honeymoon in history.

No, it's fine.

We'll do it some other time.

That thing you said in the street?

Yes. I'm sorry about that.

No, I liked it.

I liked you saying it.

Charlie, I'll take Scarlett

home, all right?

Yeah.

Darling Fi.

Walk, Charlie?

Yeah. Yeah, that would be grand.

Never felt like that. I mean,

something vaguely similar for Jilly...

...when I was young.

Jilly?

Labrador.

Yes, it's odd, isn't it?

For years we've been single

and proud and never noticed...

...that two of us were, for all intents

and purposes, married all this time.

Traitors in our midst.

You know, in a way, I think death

is hardest for the parents, don't you?

I hope I die before my children.

Tom...

...there's one thing I find really...

It's your total confidence

that you will get married.

I mean, what if you never

find the right girl?

Sorry?

Surely, if that service

shows anything...

...it shows that there is

a perfect match.

If we can't be

like Gareth and Matthew...

...maybe we should just let it go.

Some of us are not

going to get married.

Well, I don't know, Charlie.

The truth is, unlike you...

...I never expected the thunderbolt.

I always just hoped that I'd meet

some nice, friendly girl...

...like the look of her.

Hope the look of me didn't

make her physically sick.

Then pop the question...

...and settle down and be happy.

It worked for my parents.

Well, apart from the divorce

and all that.

I'll give you six months

at the outside, Tom.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Maybe all this "waiting

for one true love" stuff...

...gets you nowhere.

What the f*** is going on?

I thought we better make

absolutely sure we weren't late.

Excellent wedding hairstyle.

Matthew:
The best-looking best

man in the world.

Listen...

...thank you for doing this today.

Of course.

I wish Gareth was here.

Bet he does too.

I'm sorry I was so late.

The others are just parking the car.

I thought we'd all go with Tom.

Late? So late?

Yeah, it's 9:
45.

- 9:
45?

- Yep, 45 minutes till "I do."

Bloody Tom! I told him

to set the alarm for 8:00.

F*** it!

F***!

Scarlett.

- Oh, hi.

- You ready?

Absolutely.

Give me 20 seconds.

- Time?

- Honestly?

Yes! Time?!

About 10 to 9:
00.

Bastards.

Jessica, stop jumping

up and down, please.

This is splendid tuck.

Yes, I think I might say

a little word.

As many of you know, I've closely

observed Charles' love life for years.

Recently, I'd started to despair

and fear that he was married to us.

Apart from the fact that we won't

have his babies.

I don't know about that.

Fortunately, it's

turned out splendidly.

The girl in question

is sadly crazy...

...but perhaps that's why

he loves her.

I'd like to propose a toast to

my Charlie and his beautiful girl...

...on this tragic day.

So be happy and don't forget us.

Thank you.

To Charles and duckface.

To Charles and duckface!

- What do you think?

- You look divine.

It does work, doesn't it?

Yes.

I thank Fiona for those charming

words about my future wife.

I'd like to take this opportunity...

...to read a little message

from her to you all.

This is exciting.

She says, "If any of you come near the

house, I'll set the dogs on you."

I think that's rather a nice touch.

"I'll set the dogs on you."

John, hi.

You made it. Good.

I hope me damn sister turns up.

Not much of a wedding without a bride.

Bit of a poor show, you not

having a stag night.

We did. We did.

We didn't think it was a very good

idea in this day and age.

Really?

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