Frat Pack Page #3

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seems kind of cute.

Oh, yeah?

I guess he is kind of cute.

A Brit fingered me once.

No complaints.

[Joey] All right, we gotta swing

by Kush's yard and get rigged up.

[Fridge] Yeah.

- Wait, what does that mean?

- Marijuana.

Oh.

I don't think

we have time, guys.

We should just keep driving.

Just keep on driving.

- No, this party's gonna be a rager.

- Yeah. Honk, honk!

We gotta do sh*t right.

I'm not showing up

empty-handed.

Yeah, look, I... I don't wanna be the

sort of party pooper or whatever.

I'm not really comfortable

with the whole drugs thing,

you know,

it's not really my thing.

I've just applied

for a job and...

No, f*** that! We're gonna rage

like true frat stars, all right?

We're gonna get you some Smir

to get things started,

some brewskis to keep the form,

a little... [sniffs]

bombers to keep things going,

f***ing...

You know,

and do shots to black out

and do whatever the f*** you do

when you're blacked out.

And then... you know,

smoke a doob to level out

and then snort a ripper in the

morning to get back on track.

[Joey, Fridge laughing]

- You know what I'm saying?

- Good time!

I have no idea

what you just said.

You guys remember Steve Collins?

Oh. Skeazy Steve.

Don't even go there.

That's right! You and Skeazy Steve

had a skeazy sesh together.

- Oh!

- It was freshman year.

It was so long ago,

I can pretend it never happened.

But it did happen.

Oh, it definitely happened.

So, what are we talking about, here?

Intercourse?

No. Just a good old

college beej.

- Ew! She had Skeazy Steve's wiener in her mouth.

- Ugh!

[imitates gagging] Oh!

I love giving blowj*bs.

No, you don't.

No girl actually likes it.

No girl likes blowj*bs.

I do.

You know what it is? Guys watch

too much porn these days.

- Yes.

- Yeah, we're not porn stars.

We're not!

Skeazy Steve tried to

jizz on my face.

- Stop.

- Yeah.

- As if girls actually want that.

- Ew...

- You didn't let him, did you?

- God...

[siren wailing in distance]

[man] F*** you, man!

[woman screams]

Is this area safe?

F*** yeah. This is my hood, yo.

This isn't actually

your hood, yo.

We'd be back where we came from, right?

With Dad.

[gunfire]

It says right here that seven

people were murdered last week.

Right on this spot.

- What?

- Isn't that crazy?

- Yeah.

- Do you guys have smartphones in the UK?

- Yeah.

- No, I mean like smartphones like this.

Not like... [imitates beeping]

"Operator, can I get me mum?"

[laughs]

- But like this.

- Yeah, yeah, no, we've got smartphones.

I don't think so.

Yo, this is the spot.

- [Elliot] Oh, my God.

- [Joey] Yeah.

Kushy's got the best weed

in the world.

[knocking continues]

All right, well, I guess he's

out for tea or something.

So, we should probably just go.

- Bhagwan.

- Oh, Kush-dog!

[Jamaican accent] Kush be waiting

for the vermin exterminator.

Ah, we...

We came to get some weed.

- Me brethren come to me house for trees?

- Yeah.

[Kush chuckles]

Yo, you're gonna have to translate

his British. I don't get it.

That's definitely

not British.

- Yo, Joe, let's make this quick, okay?

- We will.

- Really quick.

- Is anyone else concerned about the...

He's got a firearm. I'm going.

Have yourself some seats,

brothers.

Can we please go?

- [clattering]

- [Elliot] Project for a b*tch.

This is a lovely place

that you have here.

- We can't stay very long, so...

- Have a seat.

Not there!

[exhales]

Oh, bloody hell.

Kush been having trouble with

the enemy and the dirty rats.

But...

Nothing to worry about.

Yo, he's cool.

He's just paranoid.

He's just smoked way too

much weed for a human.

Way too much.

Yeah, so, we'd love to

grab an eighth,

and then we'll just

get out of your hair.

This weed be called...

"the Damp Hamster."

Right. Well, Joey, would you

like to pay the gentleman

and we'll just take the damp

hamster somewhere else?

I smoke with the brother.

Uh... I don't think...

- Do we need to smoke?

- [Sean] No, we don't need to do that.

- We don't need to smoke right now.

- Not really in the mood.

[Kush] Two hits...

with the damp hamster...

It make your life go crazy.

Your heart feel like it explode, your

head feel like it be in the tumble dryer,

your face feel like

it being eaten by a cow,

your ass feel like

it being entered. [hisses]

And then you crash hard.

I have to say,

I'm not particularly in the mood for

any of those sensations right now.

You know?

The friends of Kush

smoke with the Kush.

Oh, my God.

[reggae song playing]

Thank you very much.

[man singing reggae]

Be friends with the Kush.

[gasps]

[yelps]

The sensation of the ass

being entered.

Yup, I felt it.

- [song continues]

- [man rapping]

[coughing]

[grunts]

[song fades]

[gun clicks]

[Kush breathing heavily]

Where the f***

did you come from?

I've been here the whole time.

Guys, please wake up.

There's a rat in here.

No, no, no! I assure you,

I'm not a rat.

Your business

is your business, sir. Okay?

- Wake up!

- There's a rat in me house!

[Elliot yelps]

Holy sh*t!

- [Kush] Watch out for the rat!

- [Sean] What rat?

Where? Here?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

We would never rat on a G, man!

[screaming]

[laughing]

What rat? Where?

- There be rat!

- [screaming]

Kush!

Get out of here, filthy rats!

Invade the purity

of the house of the Kush.

The rat!

Oh, God, wait for me!

- No!

- Wait for me!

[yelps] No!

I thought it was

the passenger seat.

It's the other way round

in England.

Let's go!

[laughing]

Get it in there, come on!

- No, no, no! I'm high as f***!

- Come on, go, man!

[all screaming]

[laughing maniacally]

[engine starts]

[with lisp]

Hi, ladies. I'm Saul.

Hi, Saul.

I'm gonna be your server

on this splendid summer day.

You decided?

- Surf and turf.

- Surf and turf.

Two Dr. Peppers, no ice.

- I'm gonna have the...

- [Fatima] They have chow mein.

- What was that?

- They have chow mein.

[mock Asian accent] Oh, I thought

I could try the Western food

for the first time

in my life.

Don't do it on account of us.

- Don't worry about it.

- Do you have Caesar salad?

- Caesar salad? Yes.

- I'll take that.

[Saul]

It's delicious.

Oh, wait, chips and salsa

and guacamole.

For the lovely Fatima.

I don't think you're pronouncing

it correctly, it's "guacamole."

- Guacamole.

- Gua... Guacamole.

- You like?

- Okay.

I think we'll do the chips and guac

for the table. That'd be great.

- [Shu] For the table.

- [Skylar] For the table will be great.

Thank you very much...

Ow.

- Great. Thank you, Saul.

- [Shu] Thank you, Saul.

Yo, El,

you're driving like a 'tard.

- You need to speed up, bro.

- Yeah.

Would you just

give me a break?

I've never driven on the right

side of the road before.

There's a rat! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

There's a rat! There's a rat!

- [laughing]

- [Joey] What now, the hizzy?

You guys are stupid.

[cat meows]

- [screams]

- [cat yowls]

There's a miniature lion

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