Frat Pack Page #5

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- [boy laughing]

- It's not funny.

[laughing continues]

It's not funny.

[Joey] Did you just lure

that man's child?

[Elliot] No, I didn't do

any luring at all.

Okay, I think the real question

is:
Are you a child molester?

No, I didn't think we'd actually have

to clarify that bit. No, I am not.

- Is this a British thing?

- Yeah, I hear Brits are really into that.

[Fridge]

Yeah.

- I'm not down with that.

- [all laughing]

[Elliot] Ha, ha, ha, ha.

- That's not cool.

- Very funny. Very, very funny.

- Give me a K!

- [all] K!

You got your K,

you got your K!

Give me an A! A!

You got your A,

you got your A!

- Give me a double-P!

- Double-P!

You got your P,

you got your P!

Give me an A!

I don't know this song.

Give me an A!

You got your A.

[singing in Spanish]

[holds note]

[singing continues,

stops]

There's a gas station up the road,

if she could have just waited.

I can hear you.

When I have to go,

I have to go!

I heard Brad Schlonghauser's

gonna be at this party.

Oh, God, don't tell me that.

Why? This could be your chance

to get him back.

I don't want him back.

Him dumping me was the best

thing that could have happened.

He's like a juiced-up

Ken doll.

Can you turn the other way? You're

kind of giving me stage fright.

I seen it all before.

[whispers]

Lots of times.

- Sky?

- Can you hurry this up?

Thank you.

"Hey ladies, I'm Brad.

I've got a plastic stump instead

of a dick, like an action figure."

"Hey ladies, I'm Brad. I Instagram

myself daily at the gym,

doing squats."

[Amy] But he's so hot,

though.

I feel like we've been here

for an hour.

Okay, well, it takes me a long

time because you kept talking.

- Well, now it's my turn, so...

- Okay.

Look out for a girl.

[grunts]

You'll need to

find some tissue.

I have a feeling this isn't

just gonna be a number one.

- [farts]

- Sky?

Oh, my f***ing God.

[Shu] Sky?

Oh, my... Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, that's deadly!

[Joey] Yo, stop the car!

Yo, back up. Back up.

[Sean] Oh, come on, Joey, no.

[bell jingles]

It's just frat letters

on my chest... KOK.

- [door closes]

- [bell jingles]

Like a true frat star

for the party.

Yeah, but it's not just for the

party, it's your life, man.

It's permanent.

Yeah, we're frat brothers

for life, so...

I'm cool with permanent.

You little lambs

got an appointment?

"Little lambs"?

Not that you need one. I ain't

done a tattoo in over a month.

[chuckles]

Yo, I've changed my mind.

- Thank God, let's go.

- No.

I don't want the frat letters.

I want those.

Oh, no, no, no. See, those are in

memory of people who have passed away.

Sorry for your loss.

Or people you've murdered.

- What?

- Right.

[whispers] Let's get

the f*** out of here.

I wanna rock that sh*t.

- Joe, I love you.

- Homo.

You're my brother, but you gotta

trust me when I tell you,

you don't want that

tattooed on your face.

I want it in memory of Mom.

Oh, well...

[needle buzzing]

[meows]

Damn dog.

He's shitting all over the house.

It's everywhere.

Oh, God.

- [sneezes]

- Oh, dear God.

[buzzing continues]

- [man] You got a name?

- Joey.

AKA Young Joseph.

They call me Dirty.

You know how I got my name?

Well, it wouldn't take a

rocket scientist, right?

No, why?

Now, it all started when I was

just, like, a little gator.

You know, I'd run around fixing

what needed to be fixing...

[chuckles] and beating on

whatever needed to be beat on.

And my auntie was breastfeeding

my baby sister.

And I come in from the yard

all covered in mud and blood.

Now, my momma said,

"Boy, your hands are..."

- Dirty?

- "Delicate."

So she tells me to use my hands

to clean the dead vermin

out of the drain.

So, I reach my hands

right down in there

and use my nails

to scrape off the goo and guts.

And my daddy says,

- "Boy, you sure are..."

- Dirty.

"Detailed."

Years later,

when I got my own trailer,

and the refrigerator's

full of mice

and the john's full of flies

and there's roaches

all over the bed,

everybody kept saying,

"Boy, your trailer sure is..."

Well, I mean, I think the

word should be "dirty,"

but I'm guessing

it was something else.

"Designer."

[laughs]

And I laugh. I laugh, like a...

[laughs and coughs]

[laughing nervously]

Grown man being called designer?

Well, that sure is funny.

Um... So, maybe we should

just end on that high note.

- Maybe we should.

- Yeah.

No, no, no, guys. Before we go,

we should probably find out.

Why do they call you "Dirty"?

My twin brother. He's an

unhygienic piece of sh*t.

They always getting us

confused and the name stuck.

Mistaken identity. I hate when

that sh*t happens, you know?

[Joey laughs crazily]

So, how much does this cost?

- Two hundred dollars.

- F*** that. I can't afford that.

- Excuse me?

- Okay, how about a hundred?

Hey, how about 300?

How about payment

in the form of a pet cat?

F*** you and your cat.

[Elliot] How much would the work

you've already done cost us?

Fifty dollars.

- Yeah?

- [Elliot] That was worth it.

I dig it. That's cool.

Oh, wow, place looks good, Shu.

Nice work.

You're welcome. Give it up.

[Shu] Are you still

bringing your bedsheets?

Do you know how dirty

the hotel ones are?

Hell, yeah.

I saw a documentary.

They found 6,000 traces of sh*t just

on the light switch of the hotel.

And, like, ten million

traces of, like, jizz

all over the TV screen, like...

[imitates spraying]

- [yelps]

- Oh.

Let's play truth or dare

tonight.

- Oh, my God.

- What are we, five years old?

I don't play that game anymore.

That's how I ended up in county.

As in, county jail?

What? I didn't know

you went to jail.

Think they'd let me work at school

if they knew I served time?

I stole someone's identity.

We're all good.

[nervous chuckle]

[grunts, exhales]

Amy, bedmates.

For sure.

Don't drop the soap.

[Elliot] Oh, for f***'s sake.

[Fridge] I don't know, it's got

pretty good reviews online.

[Sean] Yeah, from serial killers

and rapists?

No, I got it. I got it.

- Just come on.

- I got it.

- Come on.

- No, I got it. I got it.

Dude.

- Thanks, guys.

- No problem.

[bell rings]

[television, indistinct]

- [Joey] Are you open?

- [sighs]

Of course we're open, man.

[speaks foreign

language] Sixty years.

And I'm the best around here,

do you know?

I watch movies all the time.

I watch all day...

[speaking

foreign language]

How you doing?

- Me?

- Are you talking to me?

[speaking

foreign language]

He has to call you this.

He has to call you this.

[speaking

foreign language]

What do you mean by that,

Mr. Sosa?

[speaking

foreign language]

- Is that British?

- No, that's definitely not British.

- How do you know?

- That's not British.

- How do you know?

- Don't worry.

I studied languages

in high school.

I'll take care of this.

[clears throat]

Um... Achtung.

We want a room.

No, f*** that.

I'm not sharing a room.

- [Elliot] Why?

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