Frat Pack Page #7

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Yeah, I'd love to.

I'm a real aficionado

for humorous apparel.

I have a range of humorous,

hilarious T-shirts.

Such as "Orgasm Donor."

Oh, like in "organ donor,"

- but with an orgasm.

- Orgasm.

- Yeah.

- I appreciate that.

I have another one that says,

"My idea of a balanced meal

is a beer in each hand."

Amen.

Please stop.

And I just ordered this new one.

It says, "FBI,"

but underneath it, it says...

Oh, "Female Body Inspector."

Yeah.

[Amy] I swear I'm gonna

crash this f***ing car.

I got dumped, had to move

back in with my parents

because my salary doesn't cover

my student loan payments.

- It sucks.

- Yeah.

But how boring would it be if we

had it all figured out, right?

That's true. It would be

pretty boring, wouldn't it?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

What an idiot.

Your ex-boyfriend. A complete moron.

He's... He's gonna regret that forever.

I don't think he cares.

- Really?

- Apparently, he wanted someone better.

- That's why my ex dumped me.

- Really?

Well, she lost a keeper.

- She did, didn't she?

- Yeah, screw her!

Screw her.

Does she know that you're

a P-I-M-P?

I am a P-I-M-P.

I am. How did you know?

Okay. Turn your head.

No, Joey.

Can you drop me

at the sorority, Sean?

[Sean] Okay.

Can I come?

[all saying goodbye]

[Skylar] Bye-bye.

[Elliot] Don't let him in.

Fridge.

Come on, Fridge.

- Do it again.

- No, no, for real.

- Okay.

- Yay!

[Fatima]

See you at the party!

Whoo! College, baby!

Young Joseph is back!

[Elliot] Are we here?

Is this it?

Is this the fraternity?

[Joey] Welcome to heaven, boys.

Prepare for your world

to get rocked.

[TV, indistinct]

Well, I'm glad we drove all the

way for this. This is great.

Oh, this is kind of

disappointing.

I mean,

I brought my party shirt, so...

[man burps]

B*tches!

Oh, God f***ing damn it.

Not Jeffrey.

Haven't you graduated yet?

Graduating is for losers, bro.

[chuckles]

Who wants to go shove a

marshmallow up a freshman's ass?

[shouting and whooping,

faint]

- [Jeffrey] Come on. Don't be gay.

- You hear that?

Let's do this.

- [all chanting] Go! Go! Go!

- [snorting]

[chanting continues]

[all shouting]

- [rock song playing]

- [man rapping]

[indistinct]

[indistinct]

[pop playing on speakers]

It's so weird

being back here.

Right?

Let's do

a "getting ready" selfie.

The OGs run

through campus tonight.

- Hell, yeah.

- Yeah.

[shutter clicks]

Hashtag Hotties.

Hashtag NoFilter.

Hashtag WeWokeUpLikeThis.

Hashtag Blessed.

- [spraying]

- [Fatima] Febrezing my vageezy.

[dance music on speakers]

See? Didn't I tell you?

Yes, you did.

Hello, you.

When are the...

When are the girls getting here?

It would be nice to

hang out with Skylar.

Yeah, I think I want to hang out

with Fatima, too.

Bro, she's gross. Seriously.

What the f***, Joe?

What? Oh, she is.

You both know it.

But he likes her.

[hip-hop song playing

on speakers]

[Joey] It's the frat president,

Eric Stahl, yo.

Yo, sick party, Eric.

- Who the f*** are you?

- Joey.

- I used to be a frat legend.

- You?

[laughs]

[indistinct]

I've never heard of you.

And you're old as sh*t, bro.

No f***ing legend.

- What up, guys!

- Hey, girls. Hi.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Where's Fridge?

- He went inside 'cause...

- Shot-off!

- [all cheering]

Let's go. Come on. Get inside.

- I'm gonna go find Fridge.

- Okay.

[Elliott]

What's a shot-off?

Drinks, ladies?

Drinks, drinks!

And shots. Drinks and shots.

Shots and drinks.

You gotta win this, bro. You gotta

prove that we're two rock stars.

There's a f***ing live fish

in one of them.

You look nervous.

[chomps teeth]

Come on, you first, b*tch.

[man] Basically, you take

it in turns to drink a cup.

[Eric] Don't think

about it, just do it.

[Eric] Ohh!

[laughs]

- [woman] Oh, my God.

- [Eric] Yeah!

[burps]

- O-M-f***ing-G, Brad Schlonghauser's here.

- Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

I need a drink.

My favorite ladies.

You miss me?

[chuckles] Yeah.

You girls are like a fine wine,

you only get better with age.

Oh. Clever.

I have a vineyard, but...

why am I talking about wine when I

have champagne right in front of me?

I'm feeling that old...

electric vibe...

- Yeah.

- ...between us.

It's making my heart beat...

like a drum kit.

- Oh.

- [imitating drumming]

Okay.

You feeling that?

Feeling something.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

To vomit.

So, Brad,

how long are you in town for?

[pop song playing]

[Elliot] When does

this awful game end?

[all cheering]

[Joey] We won!

You wanna be a frat star?

Go outside and do the

elephant walk with Jeffrey.

- Right now!

- [Elliot] What is the elephant walk?

[imitates elephant trumpeting]

Okay, so, are you gonna grab

my tail with your trunk,

or am I grabbing your tail

with my trunk?

Uh... You don't have a tail.

Come on, just grab my cock.

Come on, man!

I, uh...

I'm sorry, bro. I promise you, I'm a true

frat star, but I can't do this sh*t.

Whoa! Yes!

Come on, don't be gay, man!

- Yes!

- Yeah!

- Oh.

- Hi, Amy.

Skeazy Steve.

Is that your new

naughty name for me?

[chuckles]

- [sniffs]

- [exhales]

Hey, let me know if you wanna...

dance later.

Yeah, I'll be sure

to do that.

You know I'm talking about

fellatio when I say "dance."

- [Amy groans]

- [laughs]

[mock laughter]

- I can't believe you...

- Shut up, Shu!

Hello.

Have you seen Skylar anywhere?

Yeah, I think she's inside.

- Okay.

- Great.

Try to find her.

- There he is!

- [blow lands]

[groans]

Why would you do that?

Because it's fratty, baby,

'cause it's fratty.

No, you are my new special

friend, Brit, you know that?

- Really?

- No, man, you gotta come stay at KOK

because f***ing Alpha Sigma

Sigma is f***ing everything up.

I'm gonna put

the cat in the car.

Don't leave me with him.

Tonight's gonna be

a special night, Brit.

- Really?

- Yup.

[whispers]

I'm getting a blumpkin.

- A what?

- Blumpkin.

What's that?

- It's a blowj*b from a chick.

- Oh, great. Good.

While I'm dropping a dook.

[groans]

- What?

- It's f***ing legendary, man.

No one, in the history of the

frat, has ever achieved it.

- Really? Very surprising.

- No, no...

I want you to get one with me.

Oh, uh, thanks for the offer,

but I'm gonna pass.

You'll go down in history, man.

Yeah, not really what I

want to be remembered for.

I'm sorry, Mr. President,

I tried to do the elephant walk.

- I can't do that sh*t.

- F***ing loser!

Okay, the only way

I'll forgive you,

and the only way you'll be seen

as a frat star,

is if you get your b*tch brother

to bang that cat.

- That's f***ing funny?

- No.

That's the most p*ssy

he'll ever get.

- All right, yeah. I'll make him do it.

- F***ing right!

Oh, my God,

it's gonna be f***ing awesome.

- Motherfucking cat!

- [glass shatters]

[Eric] Whoo!

What are you doing?

I gotta make him do it.

I gotta have Eric Stahl

look at me as cool.

Whatever...

Whatever it takes.

Eric Stahl is a f***ing lunatic.

All right, what does it matter?

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