Frat Star Page #3

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and the GF says

'who are you again?'"

"hashtag Nick Cooper is sad."

- We are not broken up.

- I think you are, man.

But you know what?

It's okay.

Because you are here

for a reason.

The parties, the women,

- everything.

- See, see,

you talk about women. I don't want

to get with random college girls.

- No. No.

- That's not for me, okay?

No, no, Nick.

Not random, my friend. No.

Carefully sought out,

vetted, and FDA approved.

I love Ashley,

and Ashley loves me.

Okay?

So, think about it.

Think about it.

I'll be in my dressing room.

You did not tell him

that I'm coming to campus.

- Why?

- I was bored.

I also asked him

to give you money.

Ooh. That's good.

How much?

- 300.

- Hmm.

So does this mean that

we're going to campus?

I guess.

Ha, he's gonna lose his sh*t.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, bud.

- How's it going?

- Good.

- Good.

Hey, what's that kid's deal?

- Oh, Nick?

- Yeah.

That's my roommate.

He's the coolest guy.

Coolest guy ever.

Why's he sitting alone?

Ah, he's hard to get to know.

He, he comes from

this really old money in Ohio.

- Cooper tire.

- Nice.

Yeah.

He could use our company.

Yeah? Yeah, for sure. Uh, Nick!

Come here.

He's shy, you know,

but couple of shots in him,

he's great.

- Hey, buddy.

- Hey, boys.

Haven't seen you around

in a while.

Just lots of work, you know?

Let me give you

some unsolicited advice.

You don't actually

have to do work.

- What does that mean?

- If you know the right people,

things are made easier.

And a hell of a lot more fun.

- Do you do work?

- No.

- See.

- See what?

- Benjamin's always right.

- That's retarded.

Benjamin's definitely

always right.

Correct. We're having

another party this weekend.

Boys would love

to see you there.

See you, guys.

The "boys would love

to see you there."

I don't know, man.

I was gonna reread the "series

of unfortunate events."

No, listen to me.

There is a hot young

lit major out there

who's dying

to nibble on your balls

and tell you everything

you need to know

about that book, okay?

- Books. It's a series...

- Never heard of it.

Of unfortunate...

Okay.

Ay, Yi, Yi,

I guess this is the place.

Okay, let's do it.

I made them think that thetas

were asking for you.

I'm a genius.

You good?

All right.

Let's get back in there.

- Boot and rally.

- Boot and rally

Ashley. Oh, my god,

it's great to see you.

- You look amazing.

- Okay, yes, I'm here.

Do you have my money?

Hey Ashley,

not... not like this.

I... I thought,

I thought we...

Then, like, what, Nick?

You thought what?

This is your

ex-girlfriend Ashley?

- Yes.

- How are you here?

How am I here?

He texts me, everywhere.

- Don't text her, Nick.

- Nick, we're over.

Okay, we just wanted

to tell you together

since his posts weren't enough.

Yeah, sorry buddy,

things happen.

Things happen?

Like you steal my girlfriend!

If you would

just explain to me why,

- them maybe I'd understand.

- You know why, Nick.

Everyone knows why.

Listen, I'll retire

the "Nick Cooper is sad" tag,

although everyone loves it.

Wait, are you the Nick Cooper of

"hashtag Nick Cooper is sad"?

Holy sh*t!

Yeah, he's my ex,

but, um, now I'm with Elliot.

He's fuckjerry.

Really?

Will you do a shot off my tits?

Sure.

- I mean, it's all I'm asking.

- Just don't cry again, please.

I'm so glad

I'm breaking up with you.

- We don't have to.

- Bye.

- Thank you, Ashley.

- Doesn't have to be this way.

- Please, Ashley!

- Nick,

- you're stronger than this.

- I love you...

You don't love her,

you're an a**hole.

- Stow and go.

- That's not me.

- Say it to me, stow and go.

- That's not me.

- Stow and go.

- Boot and rally.

- Boot and rally.

- Let's do this sh*t.

Boot and rally.

The "fuckjerry" nonsense

ends right now.

Remember that this is a sport

and confidence is everything.

- You do soulcycle?

- Yeah, why?

I, uh, thought I recognized

you from somewhere.

See, man.

That's how you do it.

You spit some game

and you give her some e.

Okay, dude,

this is the only way

to get back at your ex, okay?

And because I'm the man,

we're gonna get you

some sweet, sweet redemption.

- So you hold these.

- Please don't give her both.

And you remember

what I told you.

You act like you know

she wants to f*** you,

because she does.

And you watch Ashley

lose her mind.

Balls, it's gonna

take some balls.

Make us proud.

So, uh, decided to drop

ultimate Frisbee.

- Just wasn't for me.

- Oh, really?

- You look like you need this.

- Nick, right?

- Very good.

- Well, I'm very good.

What does he hold your hand

when you pee, too?

That means she likes

golden showers.

- Oh my god, shut up.

- Oh, yeah?

No tootsie pop, no lap dog.

You have 20 seconds

to prove your worth.

I had a girlfriend

for three years.

That don't mean sh*t, freshman.

Ah! Okay, freshman.

Sh*t... Oh, oh.

Oh, my god.

Okay, f***.

Oh, my god.

Nick.

It's me.

Oh hi, good morning.

Good morning.

- Are you okay?

- Billy.

What's going on?

Are you pregnant?

No.

I'm not pregnant.

- What happened?

- I hooked up.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Oh. Good morning!

Wow!

With Nicolette?

Yes. So um,

she gave me a hand job,

and then I went down on her.

No, what? No.

Your dick's out

and she's not sucking it, why?

My dick wasn't out

actually. Um...

No! She gave you a OTPHJ,

that's so embarrassing.

- She cried.

- What? You hit her?

No, no, I didn't hit her.

No, I can do this thing

with my tongue.

I learned it with my ex, Ashley.

Made Nicolette cry.

But there was no

connection, and that's...

Connection?! You made a ZB cry,

you mean, like... like tears?

- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah, Nick!

The next four years are looking

very up right now, my friend.

You're gonna be the man

all over frat row, dude.

That girl is telling

all the other girls

about what you did.

We're gonna sell posters

of your f***ing face.

Girls all over town and beyond

are gonna f***ing...

- "Ah!" They're gonna "ah..."

- Stop it.

To your f***ing face bro, yes!

- I guess.

- No, you know, man.

Is it romantic?

Doesn't sound very romantic.

Romantic! This is not a

"pride and prejudice" novel,

not that I read it,

I just know the plot,

- this is college.

- Right.

College!

Yes, Mr. Cooper.

Yes!

Oh, Mr. Cooper.

Mr., Mr. Cooper.

Do you need something, Billy?

- Yeah, this has to stop.

- What does?

This. You.

Where have you been?

I miss my friend.

- Billy, I've got work to do.

- No, Nick! No!

You have life

and you have parties

and you have girls to do.

This will always be there,

that, that will not.

This is your moment.

What is this?

Walt, who's Walt Whitman?

Don't throw Whitman.

It's homework, okay?

Which I don't think I've ever

seen you consider doing.

- Of course not. -Look,

I've gotta maintain a 3.4

for my financial aid.

Nick, hey, we talked about that.

You do not bring that up.

We have to build up

our connections.

- No. No, we don't.

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