Freddy Got Fingered Page #6

instead of acting like a little baby all the time.

But you're not a baby. You cant just quit.

Shut up, Betty. Just shut up.

I've as much a chance of being an animator

as you have of getting this chair to work.

Can't you see we're both just stupid idiots?

- Gord...

- "Gord!"

"Gordie!"

I'm so close to getting this rocket to work.

Rockets! Rockets!

"I'm gonna get my rockets to work!"

It's always about the rockets.

It's always about the rockets.

(# "Girls and Boys Come out to Play")

# Girls and boys come out to play

The moon is shining bright as day

# Leave your supper and leave your sleep

Come to your playfellows in the street

# Come with a whoop or come with a call

Come with a good will or not at all

# Up the ladder and down the wall

A penny loaf will serve us all

You got fingered?

No. OK?

It's OK.

I know.

Now I'll tell you once more.

Stop trying to act so grown up.

- Is there a problem?

- Yeah, moron.

I ordered a cheese sandwich

and there's hardly any cheese in here.

That's no good, is it?

Here, give me your sandwich.

I will fix it for you.

You can't have complaints there's not

enough cheese in the cheese sandwiches.

I mean, if there's no cheese in a cheese

sandwich, that's just two slices of bread.

If word of that were to get out,

well, I could lose my job.

I could lose all of this!

And we wouldn't want that, would we?

Would we?

Would we?

Huh?!

- What the f*** am I gonna do with that?

- You could stick it in your bum-bum.

You can put the cheese in your bum.

- ... go on upstairs to your room.

- OK. If that's what you want.

Julie!

Sweetheart, wait.

Let's talk, sugar.

There's nothing to talk about.

I can't be with you another second.

Wait. What about our dreams, baby doll?

I'm sure you'd rather find

some young boys instead of me.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- I saw what you were doing downstairs.

Whatever you saw

was completely out of context.

I just told him to f*** me

because Gord said "F*** you, Dad."

Don't you get it? F*** you, f*** me.

F*** you, f*** me. F*** you, f*** me.

And I never fingered Freddy!

And now over to Phil,

who has a special-interest story. Phil?

We've heard of electric wheelchairs, but

have you heard of one powered by rockets?

A girl by the name of Betty Menger may not

be able to walk, but it hasn't slowed her down.

She's a scientist who designed a wheelchair

that does 0 to 60 in under four seconds.

She did it.

Look at her go!

Way to go, Betty.

Yeah, hi.

Do you think that I pay you to stand

around watching TV? Get back to work.

- Sorry, kid. I don't think this'll work out.

- Don't call me kid.

Sir, although I respect your authority here

at Submarine Supreme...

...and I admire your position of power...

...I regretfully am going to have to again

bow out of the sandwich industry...

...because in reality I am an animator.

I'm an animator, OK?

See ya.

- Where the hell d'you think you're going?

- To get a job, Dad. OK?

- You must think I'm a damn idiot.

- Uh... yes.

Bullshit, you're getting a job!

You're a liar. You're grounded, you liar.

- Grounded? I'm 28 years old.

- I don't care! Go to your room.

Bye-bye, Daddy. Bye-bye, Daddy.

I'm going to get a jobbie!

No, you're not!

Not in this damn car you're not!

- Bye-bye, Daddy.

- F*** you! Thief! Thief! Thief!

- Where the f*** is he?

- Mr. Brody?

- Where's my son?

- What?

Where is he?

Mr. Brody, please! I don't know. Agh!

Are you gonna tell me, you little punk-ass?

He's in Hollywood, selling his cartoons.

Aaaaagh!

Japan 4!

OK. Davidson for four...

Mr. Davidson, I have

something you need to see.

- Is there a bomb in there, Gord?

- It's not a bomb.

I did what you told me. I quit my shitty

cheese job, moved in with my parents.

I worked really hard and

I came up with a concept. It's called:

..."Zebras in America". OK?

It's about a family who move to America.

It's a classic fish-out-of-water story,

except it's not fish...

...it's, uh, zebras... out of water.

- Zebras don't live in water, but I understand.

- I know. That's what I'm talking about.

The zebras aren't in the water.

It's like Splash.

I saw it. I loved it. But is this the father

character with a goatee like you? Is that him?

- Yeah.

- Just seems a little unrealistic, that's all.

- Unrealistic?

- Yeah.

- He's a centaur, like a half-man, half-zebra.

- Right. Clash of the Titans. I saw it. I get it.

Half-man, half-zebra, mutant. He's a...

- The myth. The myth.

- It's a myth. It's like a Greek myth.

It's like a Greek myth, except African.

- African...

- African-American-Greek...

- Myth.

- Yes.

- Can I help you?

- Yeah, you can, miss.

Get off your ass and tell me where my son is.

- Who the hell do you think you are?

- Get the f*** out...

Argh!

- But the father is real.

- Nobody does this sh*t. I don't buy it.

- It doesn't seem real.

- Here you are...

...you goddamn lying,

car-thieving, doodling time-waster!

- What's so f***ing funny, you little prick?

- You're funny.

You think it's funny to brainwash my kid,

so he sits around with his fingers up his ass?

I'll show you what's funny.

- Mr. Davidson, run!

- Don't hurt me, big daddy. Don't hurt me(!)

This is my son here. I'm the father here.

I'll get you. Goddamn you, Gord.

You son of a b*tch!

You too, you little prick!

Ow! That hurt. Hey. Ow.

Great job. Nice show.

Where d'you get this guy?

Central Casting? He is f***ing great.

It was hilarious, Gord. That's great sh*t.

Mr. Davidson, I'm sorry.

That's my father. He's crazy.

Gord, whatever. Do me a favor,

stop the act. Let me tell you something.

I've been doing this job, OK, for six years.

I have never seen a more

creative or exciting pitch than that.

I wasn't even thinking about writing

a cheque today, but with such creativity...

...I'm comfortable

green-lighting this f***ing project.

I'm gonna write you a cheque right now for,

I don't know, how's $1 million sound to you?

Oh... Uh...

- Sound good?

- Sounds...

Hi, my name is Harry.

Do you hear the funny sound?

It's my hooves. It's my hooves.

In Africa, the humans hated us

because of our zebra lower bodies.

And zebras hated us

because of our human upper bodies.

So my family moved from Africa

to start over in America.

But life in America wasn't perfect.

Especially for zebras who are

used to living in fields, not houses.

My hooves. My hooves.

My dad was weird in Africa,

but America made him crazy.

I'm not getting a stupid job, Dad.

I never had a part-time job in Africa.

How dare you!

How do you like that, f***er?

How do you like that, f***er? Huh, f***er?

You f***er. You f***er.

F***er! Huh, f***er? F***er!

Check us out.

You'll love how simple misunderstandings

get us into a whole heap of trouble. It's crazy.

Listen to my hooves.

Listen to my hooves.

Listen to them. Cloppety-clop.

Listen to them. Cloppety-clop.

Zebras in America!

# Drinkin' beer in the hot sun

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