Fun with Dick and Jane Page #3

property market crashed, Dick.

If we sold our house today,

we would owe the bank 1 50 grand.

I knew it. It was churning in my gut...

- ... and I didn't listen.

- It would be okay.

You said we could afford this house

and take out a second mortgage...

...so that we could put in the pool,

redo the kitchen...

- I said that.

- ... and now we are on the verge...

...of losing the house.

If we lose the house...

...then Billy loses all sense of security

and later, never have a relationship...

...so he'll just spend his whole life

just alone.

There he'll be, just alone,

nobody with him, just like a bum.

Hon? Hon? You need a paper bag?

You said everything

was gonna be okay.

Mr. Dick! Something wrong

with the electricity!

Well, if you're gonna do it,

be the best.

Hi, I'm Lucy, and I'll be your Kostmart

training team leader.

I am so happy to welcome you

to the Kostmart team.

Now, we work hard here,

but we play hard also.

I think we're

gonna have a good time here...

...because at Kostmart,

we're more than a store. We're family.

Now, before we get started...

...I am gonna need you all

to piss in one of these cups.

- It's taking a little while.

- Just relax.

I've been married for 20 years.

I know what it looks like.

You want me to get you a cola?

It's just hard to do

while you're standing there watching.

I could sell you my pee for $1 00.

I been off the pipe for two years.

Thank you, Jesus.

Unfortunately, we don't have any

positions available in Pilates or yoga.

But we are looking

for a Jeet Kun Do instructor.

Yes. I mean, that's-- Oh, my--

I thought--

I didn't even-- I didn't say that?

I was born doing...

...that.

- Hi, welcome to Kostmart.

- Watch.

Hi! Welcome to Kostmart.

Check out our makeup counter

on aisle 1 2B.

Welcome to Kostmart. Check out our

CDs. Garth Brooks on sale, aisle 51.

Welcome to Kostmart.

Your local gun emporium.

Aisle 42, hunting gear.

And the next thing I knew,

I was wearing it.

- Well, Jane.

- Hey, Veronica.

- Hi, how are you?

- Good, good.

I didn't know

you worked out here.

Welcome to Kostmart. I hope

you'll take a trip by the deli today...

...for a complimentary cube

of jalapeo cheddar.

I'm lactose intolerant.

Where do you keep the cigarettes?

Behind the counter.

- But I'm not sure that's a good--

- Dick? You missed one.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Wait. Ma'am? Ma'am. Welcome!

Here we go. Hi. Hi.

My name's Jane, and I'll be your

instructor for beginners' Jin Ku Pow.

So let's just get right into it.

Here we go.

We're just gonna loosen up

a little bit.

Here we go. Yeah.

There we go. And ho. And hit.

Excuse me! Ma'am!

And jab. And jab.

- Now I gotcha!

- Get this!

It's punch. And punch.

And step. And kick!

- It burns.

- I saw you eyeballing me...

...when I came in.

You were all up in my goodies.

You know something?

I'm glad you fired me.

How's a person supposed to survive

and feed their family on that salary?

It's a lease.

I don't know why we didn't think

of this before. It's such a good idea.

We're sorry we couldn't pay you.

We have no money.

It's okay. Your son

is very important to me.

I would do anything for him,

Mr. Richard.

In the meantime, thank you

for letting us pay you in appliances.

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Hey, think about this:

How many places you'll see

on one tank of gas.

- You want me to drive?

- Yeah.

Here it is!

We can live without it. People

have lived without these things.

- There goes the boxing match.

- You can go to a bar.

It's rigged anyway.

What are you doing

with the television?

- You're going to sell it!

- No, no. Billy!

God! Just go, Dick!

Damn it, Blanca, grab him!

- Papa! Mama!

- Go! Go, go!

- Don't take my Telemundo!

- Go! Go! Hurry, hurry!

SpongeRoberto SquarePantalones!

- God! Just go, go, go!

- I want my MTV Latino.

Dick, what are we gonna do?

We've run out of things to sell.

Well....

- There's always prostitution.

- Dick.

I mean me.

We just gotta look

for more work, that's all.

There is no work, Dick. There's

6000 other people out of work.

Vice presidents are working

at Burger King.

It's gonna be fine.

All we need is $400...

...and we're good for another month.

This is just temporary. So stay calm.

- And don't panic!

- Damn.

Are you going to sit in the dirt hole

all night long?

- Come on, hon, let's get out.

- Yeah.

I'm starting to turn

into a raisin anyway.

What's the matter?

You look sad, Richard.

Blanca, call me Dick.

Well, Blanca,

there's just no jobs out there.

I have a cousin who might be able

to help you find some work.

It's not much. But it's something.

I need one guy

who knows how to paint.

That's me!

Hold on, I got it. I got it. I'm here!

Hey, I was here first!

Congratulations, gero.

You almost got that one.

Don't worry. There'll be more.

That thing is already starting

to swell up like a balloon.

Is it noticeable?

- No.

- Just a little bit.

Did you see that?

We should report that guy.

Report him!

- We should report him.

- Let's report him.

I do it for you.

This is a new drug

in the same family of Botox.

We don't expect any problems.

Your check for $1 4 is waiting for you

at the front desk...

...and we think you are all

going to look beautiful. Okay.

Now, if you can begin

by just filling out those forms.

Those are insurance waivers.

And then you'll find a list

of various aspects of your face.

Go ahead and check off

anything that you think...

...you might want to improve on

just a little bit.

Are deuces still wild?

No.

I'm screwed.

Well, I think I'm gonna go, guys.

Carlos. Eduardo. Gustavo.

Pleasure talking to you

the last couple hours.

Hey, congratulations

on the baby too.

- INS!

- All right, hold it right there.

- INS?

- Hold it right there.

You're not going anywhere.

- Hold it right there!

- You've gotta be kidding.

Oh, this is hilarious.

You guys know the drill.

Let's see some papers.

- Against the wall.

- Papers.

Where's my wallet?

Where'd my wallet go? This is--

- No, no. I dropped my wallet.

- Back up.

- Oh, these are doozies.

- What do you got?

We got a Don Johnson,

Elvis and Opie Taylor.

- Dick Harper, you're free to go.

- Dick Harper?

That's me, Dick Harper. Hey, that

guy's not Dick Harper! Whoa, jeez!

We don't want problems.

You're making a serious mistake

in judgment. I am an American.

You gotta work on

your accent, Pablo.

Could we--? You wanna talk

to my wife, Jane?

Yeah. Oh, okay, yeah.

We'll call your wife, "Yane."

We'll ask her if you're American.

And we'll call my wife, Yennifer...

- ... and his wife, Yaqueline, too.

- It's ringing, it's ringing!

No, wait! I'm an American!

I swear to God!

- Hey, watch your language.

- Get in there.

Okay, we have our results.

Negative side effects with only

three of 1 4 participants in the study.

- That's not bad. Let's see, now.

- Hello?

- Jill? Hi, Jill.

- Dick, what--?

Oh, honey, I can barely under--

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