Funny About Love Page #4

More great news.

The matre d' got offered a new job.

I shouldn't be taking this week

at the Vineyard.

What do you mean, this week?

I thought it was three weeks.

A whole fertile period.

I thought we agreed to try.

I can't run a restaurant

without a matre d'.

Last month, I thought we agreed to try.

- We agreed not to push for a baby.

- I changed my mind. I'm sorry.

I didn't know

I was going to have a restaurant.

- So we can't have a baby?

- No, I'm not saying that.

You said,

"Let's forget about babies for now."

You convinced me

to concentrate on my career.

- I didn't think it was either/or.

- It's just bad timing.

When is it good timing? You tell me!

I have a really great idea.

I'll give up the restaurant.

- Is that what you think I want?

- Yeah. That's fine. I'll give it up.

It's hot in here! Who buys a car

these days without air conditioning?

I'm in traffic. You going to buy me

a radiator when this one burns out?

- Yes!

- Turn it on.

I don't want you to do what I want.

I want you to do what you want.

You're acting as if you don't ever

want to have a baby.

Oh, God! I can't believe

you could even say that to me.

Didn't I try for three years?

Didn't I fail for three years? Do you

have any idea how that makes me feel?

Month after month, nothing.

When I finally succeed at something,

you want me to drop it.

Let's forget about doctors, hormones

and injections. Let's adopt a baby.

Sure! When I suggested adopting,

you said, "Absolutely not."

Now you want to adopt? Bullshit!

I don't want to adopt,

and you're afraid of failure.

- We both want a baby, but we can't.

- Didn't you hear what I said?

Let's wait

until a Democrat gets elected.

A baby in a Republican administration

is liable to be a boring dresser.

Let's wait 30 years and make the front

page of The National Enquirer.

Between "Ape gives birth to human"

and "Elvis was really a woman",

there'll be "87-year-old father

gives birth to twins"!

I told you! Now I've got no radiator.

Get out of the cab.

Get out of the cab!

May you have a child

and may it cause you the same pain

you have visited on to me today!

We don't have a child and he's already

caused us pain. Can you believe this?

What do you have to do

to take a vacation in this city?

What? What? Oh, God! I'm sorry.

I went too far. That's all.

You know me. I always go too far.

I take it back.

Why are we fighting all the time?

Some couples don't communicate.

We're ahead of the game.

Then why are we both so unhappy?

- Why are you giving me that?

- I want you to have it.

- I can't make cappuccino.

- You make good cappuccino.

I want you to have it.

I can buy a new one.

Excuse me.

- Hello?

- This is Alyssa Johnson.

- I'm calling about your speech...

- Wait!

- Come back for me.

- Sure, Mrs Bergman.

Listen, I'm sort of in the middle

of ending my marriage.

- Can we talk another time?

- I'm sorry. I'll call you back.

Thanks.

So this is it? We're getting separated

and I didn't even get to have an affair?

- Maybe you can have one now.

- Thanks.

It's not so much fun

when you get permission.

- It violates every rule in the book.

- Please, Duff. Not now.

I'll call you.

You're right. Here you go.

What can I get for you?

- Could I have some grapes?

- Sure. One second.

- Here you go.

- Thanks.

You do this on all your first dates?

You bring a friend

who bums everybody out? Oh, God.

Here he comes. I'll see you later.

I should never have

let you talk me into this.

Forget it. You need to get out,

talk to people.

I tried. It just didn't work.

- What did you talk about?

- Divorce, infertility, death.

And nobody jumped overboard?

Look, Duff, this is crazy.

You've got to start having fun.

You've got to loosen up.

I tell you what, I know this girl.

We'll drive out to the Amish country

this weekend, buy some quilts.

I have to speak at a dumb convention.

- What convention?

- The Delta Gammas.

A DG convention?

How many women are going to be there?

About 500, I suppose.

- How many men?

- Just me.

That sounds like a really dumb idea.

Duff, these are the same girls who

wouldn't even spit on us in college,

the most beautiful girls God created.

Duffy Bergman? No, right?

- Duffy Bergman?

- Daphne, DGs?

- Hop in.

- Good.

- Great.

- I was getting worried.

Look out!

Trust me. I'm from New York.

Sorry to make you wait.

A secretary gave me the wrong time

and I'm about to burst my bladder.

- I don't mind stopping.

- I have to get you there.

- I'll drive with my legs crossed.

- I'm curious.

Were you abandoned at birth and

raised by a gang of longshoremen?

You sound like the guy I'd expect

to be writing Duffy's World.

Funny. I happen to be the author.

The fact is you are

single-handedly responsible

for the resurgence of

political humour for my generation.

Well, thanks. Give a little credit to

Ronald Reagan and maybe Dan Quayle.

Do you identify with any character?

There's something of me

in all my characters.

I think the best parts are in the women.

I meant metaphorically.

Yi, yi, yi. God, who is it?

Daphne, what are you doing here?

I was going to slip the schedule

under your door. I saw your light on.

- What are you doing up so late?

- I'm trying to write a speech.

- And you haven't a clue what to say?

- That's a way of putting it.

What's the problem?

They want me to talk about

relationships with women.

My history with women is a disaster.

I can't even talk to women.

- You're talking to me.

- That's different.

This is talking to a friend.

OK, what about the characters in your

work? You deal with those women.

That's political satire.

I understand that.

I could never relate to women

without messing up,

especially not with the DGs.

I always thought of them

as love goddesses.

Well, there you go. They'll love that.

And so they suggested relationships.

I said, "I'm not qualified

to talk about relationships.

"I don't have one any more."

So they suggested mothers.

I said, "I don't have one any more."

I suggested, "What about self-pity?"

That's something I understand.

I could get my teeth into that.

Thank you for just being here,

for walking this earth,

for breathing this air.

Because I'm weak, lonely, self-pitying...

...in other words, a man.

And I couldn't live without you,

my love goddesses.

Duffy!

Did you get lucky?

Keep your eyes on the road!

What kind of talk is that?

You didn't strike me as a guy

who played the circuit just to get laid.

I'm the kind of guy who wants

to find the right woman, if I can,

and have babies and settle down.

Don't get so defensive. I want

to have babies, too. Young, though.

And, what, I'm too old?

Not old, but you got

that biological clock ticking, right?

For girls, the older you get,

the more complicated it gets.

- Do you have your life planned out?

- You got to know what you want.

- Good luck.

- Thanks.

Do you want to go to a motel for

an hour or go straight to the airport?

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