Funny About Love Page #5

Too late. See?

You got to know what you want.

For you, nice lady,

I got double chocolate cake.

I got lemon pie, cookies, brownies...

OK, I'll have the...

What else have you got?

I got cherry cheesecake,

I got cannolis, apple tartin.

Oh, boy.

OK, I'll have the... lemon pie.

I got coffee regular, I got decaf,

I got espresso, I got cappuccino.

He's got cappuccino. I'm just going

to pass on the coffee, thank you.

Do you have herbal tea?

Meg, Emil and I talk about you

all the time.

We're worried about you.

Claire, I'm fine.

Really, I'm just having a hard time

making decisions right now,

like what tea to drink,

what blouse to wear, what I should

be doing with my life. Small things.

- You mean Duffy?

- Yeah, I guess.

You know, I just think this is so wrong.

I just find it so hard to imagine

you and Duffy not being together.

Well, what's so hard? We're not.

Claire, I'm sorry. It's just...

I miss him.

I love the son of a b*tch,

but we stopped talking.

We all know that Duffy is a great talker,

but he wasn't talking to me.

Everything became

about wanting a baby for him.

He was looking at me like I was

some kind of baby machine. Really.

"What's my name?" "Baby."

"What's your name?" "Baby."

"What time is it, what day, what year?"

"Baby, baby, baby."

Jesus! I wanted to punch his face in.

Meg, he loves you.

Yes, well, I like him very much.

No, I mean he really loves you!

God, it sounds so great

when you say it, Claire.

I guess I really needed to hear him

say it, you know, just once,

instead of all that bullshit.

- Are you sick?

- Some people think so.

- Are you?

- I've got ringworm.

- See?

- Oh.

- What do you have?

- Problems.

- Duffy.

- Bye-bye.

Doctor Hugo'll make you all better.

I'll tell you what's wrong. Nothing.

What? I've got a burning inside

my stomach just below my ribs.

I'm listless, I have no appetite,

and you tell me it's nothing!

What kind of a doctor are you?

You'll send me a bill!

You lost your mother, your marriage

is a mess. It's understandable.

- Hugo, I want a baby.

- Take one of my patients.

You understand, Hugo,

that I'm a little bit scared

that I'm never going to have a child?

Talk to Meg.

Maybe now some time has gone by...

Talk to her.

Sotto Voce, this is Kathryn.

One moment, please.

Meg, it's Duffy for you.

- Duffy?

- Hi.

Hi. Where are you?

I'm at home. Can you talk?

Well, I'm in the middle of something.

Listen, I've been doing some thinking.

I just got back from a trip.

I was just wondering if we could

get together and have some dinner

and maybe, you know,

I know it sounds silly, have a date.

Look, this isn't a good time

for me right now.

Well, also I was thinking that maybe

we've been separated long enough.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe we should think about adoption.

Sure, yeah, that sounds great, Duff.

This is really a bad time for me.

- What is this?

- What's what?

Did you have to hire

America's biggest divorce lawyer?

Couldn't you get some hit men

to shoot me outside a steak joint?

Marcus is doing it as a favour.

Not to me. The whole thing

could have been so simple.

We get a book on divorce

and do it ourselves.

- It's not that simple, Duffy.

- I am. You got more complicated.

- I did?

- What about Glare Magazine?

Designer lettuce! Franchises! What

happened to the great American chef?

Meggie, Al Costello is here

to show us the new pasta maker.

- Just a second.

- Unfair!

- Why?

- You could have given me a warning!

Is this making it all too real for you?

We had a real marriage and

we're getting a real divorce. It's over.

- Over?

- I am the ship and I have sailed.

- Where to?

- Let the lawyers take care of it.

Lawyer, singular,

because I'm not getting one.

I'm going to do your lawyer a favour.

- What are you doing?

- He's going to get it all anyway.

Take something on account.

By the way, congratulations on

the name of your restaurant. Sotto Voce!

It's a great name. All of this purple

is good for the appetite.

- Hi.

- How are you doing?

- Ready on four.

- Do you enjoy offending people?

Do you enjoy acid rain?

- I take it your answer is yes.

- I take it your answer is no.

Duffy Bergman of Duffy's World.

Stay with us and we'll be right back.

- What a kidder.

- Really. See you.

- Duffy? Hi.

- What are you doing here?

- I work here.

- Great. How's it going?

Not bad. Actually, good.

They want to promote me, I think.

- Against your will?

- No.

Well, sort of. It means moving

to Los Angeles. I'm a New Yorker.

I need to maintain a level

of aggression or I destabilise.

So, how's the rest of your life?

There isn't any rest of my life

any more.

Really? Shame!

- Daph, are you ready to go?

- Yeah, I'm coming.

How about I buy you dinner some time?

How's tomorrow night?

Is that too soon?

I have this Girl Scout meeting...

I'm just kidding.

I think I can cancel it. OK.

- Good night.

- Tomorrow.

- All right.

- Bye.

So, anyway, the day after I was born,

my dad gets his credentials

to cover the war

for some radical weekly,

and he doesn't even want to go.

But my mom pushes him. You know,

the free press saving the world.

Whoa, hold on!

His first night in Vietnam,

he gets blown to pieces.

- That's awful.

- Yeah... It was his own fault.

- He lit a joint near an ammo dump.

- Good evening, Mr Bergman.

She seemed to have nice tits, that girl.

- Really?

- Like you didn't notice?

You were staring at her tits.

I was not. What are you talking about?

- Right. What are you? A tit man?

- What kind of a question is that?

I'm interested in what

gets you excited. Is it tits?

You seemed interested in her tits,

which I don't think were hers.

- Yes, they were.

- So you are a tit man.

I'm not. I'm interested

in the whole person.

So these don't excite you?

Hey, hey, hey! Good night, Fred.

Good night, Mr Bergman.

So you are interested

in the whole person!

In case they want me in the Raiders.

No, no! Oh, no!

Doctor! Doctor!

Take this! Take this thing!

- No more. I can't. I'm too old.

- No, no, no.

Help an old man go to bed.

Did you get me the milk?

I want a little milk

before I go to bed. No! Please!

- Bravo! Bravo!

- Isn't that cute?

- Verdi drives her crazy.

- With me, it's Madonna.

Hey, what a coincidence.

They're both Italians.

I don't know if you know this,

but Emil and I came here

on our first date.

This place is very special to us.

We wanted to come here tonight

with you to...

Speed it up.

Claire, I'm trying

to break it to him gently.

- Break what, Daddy?

- Oh, hell, we're getting married.

Shotgun? You have to get married?

I'd say a toast was in order.

Duffy?

OK.

Here's to Emil Thomas Bergman,

better known as my dad,

and... l'm sorry,

I didn't catch your name.

Joke. Just a joke.

Joke, joke.

Here's to my dad and Claire.

Bon voyage.

What do you have against Claire?

I don't have anything against her.

My dad could have done better.

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