G.B.F. Page #3

Tanner! Wait! Wait!

I'm your friend!

Leave him alone, you

desperate psycho-b*tch.

Whoa.

That was really mean.

Oh, really?

Are you a psycho,

and are you a b*tch?

- I am his best friend.

- I couldn't believe it.

I'd been so careful for 17 years.

I mean, I learned how to clear

The internet history when I was 11.

One stupid slip-up

had cost me everything,

And I had one person to blame.

Hey, girl, hey.

"Hey"?

That's all you have to say?

I'm sorry. I-I freaked.

It happened so fast. I...

You were the one

who wanted to come out!

I can't believe

you let me take the fall!

Shh. Please. Okay, look.

Maybe you can turn this around,

You know, like pretend

it was a joke.

You can't "no homo" this, Brent.

I'm basically a dead man,

And what kills me

is you're the Queeny one.

The least you can do is come out

And take your share

of the daily beatings.

I can't. I mean,

it would be, you know, pathetic,

Like I'm copying you or something.

You know what?

I blame myself.

All I ever do is go

with the flow, your flow

99% of the time.

Oh, please, Tanner. We both know

you love being the sidekick.

Oh. So, I'm the sidekick?

Wow.

Well, at least now I realize

all you care about is yourself,

You self-absorbed,

gutless little f*ggot!

Tanner Daniels.

Christ, Tanner.

I said I'm sorry.

Sorry, Mrs. Van Camp,

But I'm allowed to use that word,

Seeing as how I am one...

just like your son.

Tanner, you had no right.

Well, what do you care?

You know she knows.

It was a total dick move,

And I immediately regretted it,

but it was too late.

Like Lex Luthor and Clark Kent

or professor X and Magneto,

Brent and I went from

best friends to archenemies

In a matter of seconds.

Hey, Tanner.

How was school, honey?

Uh, hey, Shannon, dad.

It was uneventful, lacking events.

Why? You didn't hear anything,

did you?

No. What would we

have heard about, Tanner?

Nothing, of course, because

of the whole nothing thing.

Well, honey, that's great.

Are you hungry?

'Cause I made my world-famous,

homemade, gluten-free popsicles.

They are delicious.

Oh, I hope you made them

extra thick and fruity,

Just the way Tanner likes them.

What?!

Uh, I mean, right.

Uh, thanks for freezing juice

on a stick for me, Shannon,

But I'm good.

Maybe you'll have one later.

Maybe I'll have one right now.

Ooh.

What flavor did you make?

Cherry.

Ohh.

The next day, I tried to keep

an even lower profile that usual,

But my power to go unnoticed

had been completely neutralized.

Hey. Remember me?

Hey, Sophe. Sorry I haven't

texted/called you back.

I'm just really overwhelmed

right now.

Look, I know

you're pissed at Brent,

And, honestly, I would be, too.

But what he did was an accident.

What you did with his mom was...

Wait.

Really? Wow.

Of all people, I never expected

you to take his side.

He outed me to the entire school.

And plus, his mom already knew.

But it wasn't your job to

tell her, and you know that.

You know what, Sophe?

I have bigger things

To worry about than

Brent's psycho mama drama.

Ohh!

Well, hey, there, tan tan.

You know, I used to think

you were a little fag.

I didn't realize you were

actually a full-fledged homo!

That doesn't even make sense.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

You calling me stupid?

You calling me stupid and gay?

Hamilton, take your hands off him.

Back off, babe.

We're history,

Which means you don't tell

me what to do anymore.

History... now,

that's an appropriate word

Because that's what

your sex life is gonna be

If you don't leave him alone.

After all, I know things...

Tiny, little, pinky-sized details.

Touch him again,

and you won't be able

To get as much

as a half-ass handjob

From some flag-twirling

color guard skank.

B*tch, you wouldn't dare.

Try me.

You okay, babes?

I'm... fine.

I'm Fawcett.

Yeah, I know.

You doing anything after school?

Want to go sip extra-large

low-fat iced coffees

And talk sh*t about people?

Hey, there, you.

I like coffee, too.

I'll come with.

Ooh!

I like decaf.

How nice for you both.

Well, uh, we could all go together?

Fine. Whatevs.

Let's.

So...

so, you're a gay now.

Uh, not now.

I mean, I've always been.

Just now everybody knows.

Are you gonna audition

for the spring musical?

'Cause we're doing "The Wiz,"

and we're gonna need,

Like, as many minorities

as we can get.

I'm not much for

the whole singing or dancing

Or being onstage thing.

You sure you're a 'mo?

What gay stuff do you, like, like?

Um, I'm into comics.

Like Kathy griffin?

She's Hilar.

Uh, no, like comic books.

That's not gay.

That's just lame.

You don't even sound

like the ones on bravo.

Say the word "fierce."

Ooh.

Yeah, I don't really say that word.

Oh, well, maybe it's like Caprice.

I mean, she's black, but

she doesn't talk like them.

Excuse me?

Well, not all the time.

Yeah, Ashley, it's like

when we call you a "Mormon"

But forget the second "M."

Anyway, what about those other

losers you eat lunch with?

They seem way gayer than you.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I heard

Brent is like super hetero.

That's why they're all fighting.

That Glenn, though... Oh, he

is way too cute to be straight.

Uh, Glenn is so not gay.

Trust me.

I would know 'cause I've got

that gaydar thing, right?

But even that Sophie girl...

She's always seemed like

A mucho muncher supreme to me.

I don't think so.

I mean, she hates all the guys

At this school, but

she hates all the girls, too.

Well, Tanner,

I just want you to know

That I'm totally fine

with your homosexiness.

I mean, it is a sin and all,

But we Mormons pretty much think

everything's a sin,

Including those caffeinated beverages

you guys are sucking down right now.

So, if you're all gonna

burn in hell for an eternity,

You may as well have a nice time

Being all queer and stuff

while you're here.

Well, that's at least consistent

of you, 'Shley.

I have an amazeballs idea.

This Saturday, why don't you

and me come back here,

And we can totally gay you over?

Oh, and I know all the stylists

at heroine salon.

I'm sure they can give you

something butchy

And Rihanna-esque.

I think he just needs

a trim, sweetie,

Not a full-blown weave.

These are clips, boo.

Um, I-I have a gift card

To banana republic

that's half full.

Well, perf. I guess

we'll see you both there.

None of them wanted to share

The school's newest

limited-edition status symbol,

And if that meant pretending

to play nice with each other,

Game on.

That weekend, I quickly

discovered that if I was

Going to accept the

protection of the "in" crowd,

I had some Major catching-up to do.

Where have you been?

I thought we were meeting

at the food court.

That was like four texts ago.

Come on!

My texts-per-minute

average was extremely subpar.

I had about 200 completely

unacceptable photos of myself

Tagged on Facebook.

Ooh. Fat face.

De-Tag.

De-Tag. De-Tag.

De-Tag!

Oh, my god. De-friend

whoever put that one up!

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