G.B.F. Page #5

Conversions.

This is easy.

I know you and Tanner

had a falling out,

But you're taking it

kind of literally.

Yeah, well, my life is over.

So, thanks.

Oh, come on, man. I mean,

you still got the two of us.

For about 10 minutes. I never

RSVP to a nonstop pity party.

So, I'm bound to eternity in

Loserland with you two. Great.

That's a little harsh.

And here I thought we were

all doing pretty okay,

But I guess

we aren't sparkly enough

Or have enough synthetic

hair extensions for you.

Oh, my god, Sophie.

You know what I meant.

No. You know what?

Why don't we take a few days apart,

Maybe without a couple losers

like us hanging around?

You'll ascend to your

proper social station.

Just be careful, though,

because we might not be here

To bandage you up

next time you fall.

Come on, Glenn.

Sophie!

Um, yeah.

Take it easy, bro.

Glenn. Come on.

We were gonna watch "the voice."

As the wheels

seemed to be coming off

My old friend group, the next day,

I was third-wheeling it,

Mormon-style.

Wow. This is a whole lot

of meat, 'Shley.

Well, that's what you like,

isn't it? Meat.

Huh?

No carbs.

I remembered.

Oh, right.

Uh, mmm, meats with...

sides of meats.

Um, may I use the restroom?

Whoa!

What are you doing?!

Girl-talk time.

So, what do you think?

Think about what?

'Topher.

Do you think he's bored

with our relationship?

I feel like he's bored.

Um, I don't know.

I'm worried because

we don't, you know...

so I need some tips.

Tips?

You gays are supposed to be experts

in man pleasing. So, spill.

Uh...

do you think I should give him a B.J.?

A what?!

Or an H.J.?

Or how about an R.J.?

Uh... I don't even know

What an R.J. Could possibly be.

Ugh. Me neither.

I was hoping you would.

Are Mormons even allowed to...

What about backdoor?

Oh, my god!

Tanner, honey.

Please do not take the lord's

name in vain in my house.

I'm sorry.

I actually did have to pee.

Could we, uh, talk later?

Fine, but you owe me girl-talk

time, mister, okay?

Oh, Tanner, I am so, so sorry.

'Topher just reminded me I have

A junior republicans meeting

in like 20 minutes.

Do you mind if 'tophie

takes you home?

Um, s-sure, I guess.

'Topher, this isn't my house.

I know.

I just wanted to talk. Okay.

You know, I've caught

you checking me out.

Please don't beat me up! I'm so

sorry! It won't happen again!

Whoa, dude.

Whew! Relax.

I find it kind of flattering.

So, what do you like

most about me, huh?

What's my sexiest quality?

Oh, I get it. You're one

of those straight guys

Who likes to flirt with gay

guys for your own amusement.

No, Tanner, that's actually not...

You know what?

Contrary to what you might believe,

We homos don't all sit around

pining for straight boys, okay?

Some of us like the idea of a guy

Actually being turned on by us.

Does this feel straight to you?

Um, it does, actually.

You Mormons are a horny,

repressed people!

You have no idea.

Mnh! Wait! This is wrong.

You're with 'Shley.

Dude, in two years,

I'm gonna go on my mission.

In four years,

I'll probably be married

With a bunch of redheaded

Rugrats running around.

So, why don't you just sit back...

relax...

and let me get this

out of my system?

Ooh.

You okay?

Uh, t-thanks.

I'll walk.

So, I have some news for you.

It's pretty Maj.

What?

I may have snatched you

a prom date.

His name is Christian.

He went to theater camp

with me last summer.

He's a tenor, a college boy,

and he's British.

Love it?

He sounds great.

I'm just not sure if this

whole prom thing is for me.

Okay. You're losing yourself.

Come with mama.

Take a look, Tanner.

This is every prom king

and queen since 1983.

You notice anything?

Not the most diverse selection.

Huh.

All white, all straight,

All jocks and pom-pom wranglers.

Tanner, we could be the

ones to change all that.

You could be the first

openly gay prom king

And enjoy a hot date to boot,

And I can be the first queen

Who's actually deserving

of any notoriety.

So, what do you say?

I get you laid.

You get me crowned.

You can lose that virginity

Before you snatch up that diploma.

Caprice, just because you

know another gay guy

Doesn't mean I...

Whoa! He's...

very attractive.

Those lips.

Mm-hmm. That's what we call

some high-speed DSLs.

So?

I'll... think about it.

Perf!

I'm gonna invite him

to Cameron's tonight

So you two can get

to know each other.

Crap. I forgot that was tonight.

Oh, relax.

It's gonna be "V" low-key.

Everyone can relax.

The people who matter have arrived.

I'm gonna go see

if Christian's here.

Ooh.

There are Christians here?

Get your gay game face on.

After tonight, you'll have

the prom date of your dreams.

Oh.

So, Caprice reeled you

in some Mangina, huh?

Well played.

I guess.

I mean, I don't even know

if he'll like me.

Sounds like you need

some liquid courage.

Follow me.

Oh. Come on.

You call this an ensemble?

Get it together, girl.

Do not call me that.

Wh-why? I meant, like,

"gurl" with a "u."

Gurl!

Not like you're a...

Oh, okay.

Um, so, hey,

why don't we dust this off

And you take me to the mall

and pick me out some eye shadow,

Just like the old days, huh?

You're so good with color.

Yeah, I don't think

I'm leaving the house

Till college, but, thanks.

Oh, "b" boo.

Listen. I get it.

I really do.

With what happened with Tanner,

I know that you didn't

Get to come out to me in the

way that you wanted to.

We didn't get to have

our extra-special

Mother/son lifetime movie moment.

I know that.

You don't want to go out

tonight, right?

I got a plan "b"!

Did you know that WebFlix

Has an entire

gay and lesbian section?

Blew my mind.

Okay, "milk." I got "milk."

It's about a gay mayor.

"Boys don't cry"...Now, this is

girl that wants to be a boy.

That's a tricky one.

"Brokeback Mountain"...

That's the cowboys.

And something called "shortballs"...

Oh, "shortbus."

"Shortbus."

So, which one do you want

to pop in first, huh?

Probably the cowboys, right?

That one's safe.

Someone drank all my ginger ales.

Hey, do you know

if there's caffeine/alcohol

In a chica loca?

No, 'Shley, of course not.

Chug away.

This was a bad idea.

There is no getting cold feet now.

We have got to rescue Tanner

From those gay-snatching

fashion Nazis.

Divide and conquer.

Hey, sexy.

Don't think me presumptuous

when I say "bottoms up."

Ugh.

This tastes like ass.

Mm-hmm.

Perfect for you.

Funny.

Loosen up.

I hear that's helpful.

There you go.

Look, don't let Caprice

pressure you.

If you're really that nervous,

then just blow off

Blowing what's his name and

come to prom as my arm candy.

It might be kind of cool to, like,

Actually go on a date or something.

P.S... This one can

has over 600 calories.

I thought carbs were like

gay kryptonite or something.

Alcohol is the one exception. Duh.

Now down it, b*tch.

Whoo!

Well, it's just

freezing cold out there.

Heath!

Don't stand on your pride.

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