G.B.F. Page #6

Get in the tent with Jake!

For crying out loud.

Good. Get in there.

Snuggle up.

Snuggle up for warmth.

There you go.

Oh. Looks like

they're waking back up.

Uh-oh.

Here we go. Game on.

You know, I do sense

an affection there.

I mean, you really do feel

they care about one another.

Oh, my. Well, yeah.

I guess necessity

is the mother of invention.

I mean...

you know, it's funny.

I guess back then

They didn't even need to use

protection, really, right?

You know, I'm gonna get a drink.

They could have made

something out of like a...

Some kind of lamb skin

or something,

But there probably

wasn't time for that.

A few hours and a lot

of drinks later,

I was getting all the

frequently asked questions.

So, with straight guys,

there's ass men and tit men,

But what's the gay equivalent?

Like, ball men?

When you're getting gay with a guy,

How do you decide who's the girl

and who's the boy?

Not an expert, but I think

you're both the boy.

That's kind of the point.

Just Wiki that sh*t, freak.

Leave him alone.

Come on, slut.

You owe me a dance.

You do your body work

I feel my pulse

working overtime

Oh, my god!

Sorry.

You do your body work

Oh. Sorry.

Oh, you guys, I found you!

Hi!

'Shley.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi and bye.

Is it just me, or is she,

like, the worst Mormon ever?

It's so not just you.

She's cray-cray.

Hey! You!

Gaysian boy, come here.

Ew. Get out.

We're having

gay-guy/girl gab time.

Seriously?

Oh, my god.

There's a bean bag

in the other... Let's go.

Sorry about this.

I can't wait.

Really sorry.

God. B*tch.

So, your friend Tanner won't

tell me anything about the J's.

The... The who?

The... The H.J.s

and the B.J.s,

Pretty much any of the J's.

But I've got an idea.

You are gonna show me how.

And it's not gonna count because

you're like supes gay-mosexual.

Uh, yeah, right.

Shh!

Just pretend I'm, like,

some super-hot guy,

Like David Archuleta.

Oh, David Archuleta?

David, don't you worry.

I'm gonna teach you all about

the H.J.s and the B.J.s

And the Jay-Zs and the J.J. Abrams.

No, wait. Hold on.

You're drunk, plus, you're Mormon,

Which, like, totally exacerbates

the whole being drunk thing.

"Exasturbates."

That's a funny word.

Yeah.

Yeah, anyway,

I'm... I'm not even...

What?

Gay.

Prove it, Gaysian.

Look who I found!

Sorry. Oh, hi.

You must be...

Christian. Hello, Tanner.

Even better in real life, right?

Even better with beer goggles,

she means.

Don't touch me.

Damn, you are pretty.

I mean handsome.

I mean pretty handsome.

'Sup, bro?

He's usually less special.

Do you maybe want a glass

of water or something, mate?

Oh, hi, there. I hate

to break up this little...

whatever this is,

but I need to talk to Tanner.

Tanner can't talk right now,

and he and Christian

Were about to have

a private moment alone.

Caprice, I really think

we got off on the wrong foot.

Yo, 'topher, welcome to the casa.

Thank you. Hey, is Tanner here?

I mean 'Shley.

Is 'Shley here?

She's my girlfriend. Love her.

Yeah.

She's in the back.

Okay. Thank you.

All right.

Hey, Glenn.

Oh, my god.

Ew, 'Shley.

Glenn, you really are straight?

No, no, he's totes not.

So it doesn't count. Right?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Caprice, watch your mouth, please.

I could say the same for you,

"whore-mon."

I think I have to barf.

I'll hold your hair.

Hey, "T." Remember me?

I just ripped it off.

I just had to because...

Tan-pon, I heard you bulimed

cuisine all over a Mormon.

I thought I told you

To always drink

on an empty stomach.

I'm gonna go.

I'm kind of over

being the party's gay mascot

And of publicly humiliating myself

In front of potential dates.

You want Mindie to drive you?

Don't worry.

I'm totally sober.

No, thanks.

I'll walk.

Okay. Call me tomorrow.

Kisses. Mwah!

Oh, my god, you totally made out

with your gay Bestie.

No!

Oh, um...

I... am... drunk.

Me too.

What are you doing

in front of my house?

I have no clue.

Since I basically

have no friends left,

My mom decided to have

a queer-movie marathon.

But when we got to heath

and Jake grunting in a tent,

I started drinking heavily.

You walked all the way over here?

Mm-hmm.

I had this idea that I'd make

this grand entrance at the party

And make a huge scene,

but this is as far as I got.

Oops. Yeah.

I see.

It's not fair!

You get to be belle of the ball,

And I'm stuck home

with mommy dearest.

I'd trade places with you

in a second.

Just...

Just do me a favor.

Hmm?

When you win prom king,

you'll make a big speech

About, you know,

everything that you've learned,

You know, very Lohan.

Not really my style,

but... we'll see.

Sorry.

Still picturing you

Watching "brokeback" with your mom.

It's not funny!

I'm gonna have to emancipate

or something.

She's driving me crazy.

She's just being supportive.

Maybe everyone secretly wants

a G.B.F.,

Even moms.

Right now I would just

settle for, like, a B.F.

You mean like a best friend

or, like, boyfriend?

Either/or...

or both.

Wait. What?

Oh, my god, no, no.

Did we...?

We didn't, right?

You don't know?

Do you?

No, no, no, no,

we... We... We came in,

And we... We just...

We were drunk.

We passed out, I think.

Right. That sounds right.

Yeah.

Closet! Now!

Seriously? Oh!

Gah!

Honey, what was that?

Nothing.

I'm just cleaning up in here.

Yeah, it does smell

kind of musky in here.

So, I've got bubbling cinnabons

in the microwave

And some chocolate milk for you.

Super.

I'll be right there.

Come on.

Thanks for that.

I'm sorry.

I'm just not ready.

I don't even know what

I'm doing here. Ugh, god.

Wait!

What?

Could you, uh, just go that way?

So, first you want

to put me back in the closet,

And now you want me

to jump out your window?

Yes.

Real nice, Tanner.

I'll make it up to you.

I swear.

Yeah, whatever.

It's fine. I get it.

I don't wanna be all right

I don't wanna feel just okay

I wanna see everything

I wanna go everywhere

I wanna settle down

Hey, lover

The next Monday, I still

couldn't shake my hangover

Or what happened

between Brent and me.

I mean, what was I thinking?

I don't wanna simplify it

Hey, "T."

Amazing news.

Christian's willing to forget

about your projectile vomit

And general Schwastedness

this weekend.

He's still willing to go

to the prom with you.

Really? Still?

Believe it, b*tch.

Apparently, you being

the only decent-looking,

Age-appropriate gay guy

in a 20-mile radius

Has given him a convenient case

of boner-induced amnesia.

He really thinks

I'm decent-looking?

Yeah.

Just one condition...

Lay off the cosmo-tini-ritas

on prom night, okay?

That definitely won't be a problem.

Yay! This is gonna be

so homo-doralbe!

Come on, Tan-Tut.

Thank you so much.

I'd like to get

two tickets to prom.

Oh, okay, then.

Just write down

the name of your date here

And also her school if she...

"He."

Um, excuse me?

He. He.

Something funny?

No, "he,"as in "him,"

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