G.B.F. Page #9

Hmm.

How's it going, guys?

Oh, fantastic.

We've devised a genius

way to take "tan lines"

Down a few notches.

And knock "fawce-slut"

off her horse high.

Okay, so, while you

crazy Christians

Are outside protesting,

Caprice and I will

Infiltrate the prom

in killer ensembles.

James bond. Hello.

And the moment that

Tanner and Fawcett

Are crowned king and queen,

we douse them with this.

It'll be very Stephen

king's "Carrie"

Meets Mariah Carey's "glitter."

Tanner will hate it.

This one time, in, like, the

fourth grade, I accidentally,

Like spilled glitter on

him in arts and crafts.

He didn't talk to me

for like a month.

It's like the longest he and I

have ever gone without speaking,

You know, up until now.

And Fawcett will be picking it

Out of her prized

Goldilocks for months.

With any luck, she'll have to

shave it back like Britney.

Yeah!

I love it!

Great scheming, guys.

I'm just so glad we're

friends now, Caprice.

I've always wanted

an S.B.F.

An S.B.F.?

- Sassy black friend.

- Duh.

As Brent and Caprice plotted,

I realized I had my own

Unfinished business

to take care of.

Hey.

I-I mean, hey.

I've got something to say.

Tanner, honey, what is it?

You need a snack.

No, Shannon, I'm not hungry.

I, um...

I've got something

to tell you both,

And I don't care if

you like it or not.

Tanner?

Honey, what is it?

I, um...

so, I'm... I'm not

actually going to the prom

With Fawcett tomorrow.

I mean, she's driving me,

but I've got another date...

A boy.

I like boys.

Well, I mean, not boys,

like... Gross.

Men. Men.

Like men my own age.

And so did Abraham Lincoln.

I read that somewhere.

And he was, like,

the best republican ever,

So you should probably

say something

Before I keep saying more things.

Tanner...

we know.

Y-You what?

We know.

And it's okay.

Although your claims

about Abraham Lincoln

I don't think are

entirely substantiated.

Tanner, sweetie.

I mean, you haven't been

completely consistent

In clearing the internet history.

We've seen some stuff.

Word.

We have seen some stuff.

I mean, who knew that that even...

Oh, my god.

Anyway, so, you're 100%

Completely allergic

to the lady parts.

That's fine!

Who cares? It's okay.

I- I-I could be Bi.

Yeah, right!

Of course you can.

Okay, well, um...

so, good, I guess, then.

I'm... I'm gonna...

I'm gonna go.

Tanner, honey, do you need a snack?

You're skinny.

He could be bi.

Coastal.

Oh, prom! Let's do this!

Oh, that's cute.

Oh, that's so prom.

Yes.

Oh, ooh-ooh-oh

Ooh-ooh-oh, oh

Girl, you look great.

Hey, girl.

I was talking to my son.

Thank you.

Oh

Ready?

Yeah.

Let's do this.

Don't you think it's time

For you and me to

make some history?

Tell me now what you say

Cheese!

Ah!

Aww.

We can take anything

Caprice, I'm impressed.

I mean, you look very convincing.

When times are hard

we'll smile and say

We're not afraid of anything

'Cause we feel young and wild

I believe

Darling, can I just...

Just want...

Listen, I just wanted to say

that I don't know what,

You know, all this

is and I don't...

Whatever... Whatever

you want to call yourself.

I mean, the bottom line is

your mom loves you very much,

Like crazy a lot, like to the point

Where it's really

kind of ridiculous.

It's almost embarrassing.

A lot.

So, please just know that, darling.

Thanks.

I love you, too.

Oh, gosh, honey.

Thank you so much.

Here, I don't want to... I don't

want to smudge your makeup.

Shall surely be put to death!

Prepare ye...

for the infidels.

Finally.

Where have you been?

And why are you wearing that?

You're bailing on me to go

after that latter-day skank.

'Shley dumped 'topher

And needs a G.B.F.

To escort her to prom.

She still seems to

think that I'm gay,

Despite our little

dry-humping session.

The indignities and humiliations

a guy will go through

Just for some Mormon ginge-muff.

You really are a

flaming heterosexual.

Guilty.

Seriously, Sophe, can

you do me a huge favor

And cover prom for the gazette?

No.

Come on! Please.

You, of all people, know

That this insanity needs

to be documented.

And, uh, well, I might

have my hands full.

I am not paying aqua-valve one cent

To get into her sham of a dance.

Comped press passes.

Fine, but I'm only going

if there are appetizers.

Yes!

Don't hug me.

Come on.

Aww!

You're doing it again.

What?

That noise girls make when they

see two gay guys together.

Yeah, it's the same

annoying sound people make

When they see cute animals

dressed in human clothes.

Ew, gross. Barf.

Is that better?

Much.

You're all gonna burn!

Think of your soul you're defiling!

Ever read the bible?!

"Do not lie with a man as

one lies with a woman!

It is an abomination!"

Abomination!

You're all going to hell!

That's right, b*tches.

I'm upstaging you all

with double the 'mo.

And this one's imported.

Take my picture!

Please, please take my picture!

Caprice.

Brent.

Funny seeing you here.

Welcome.

We've seen the error of our ways.

We just can't wait to

see you both crowned.

You guys really deserve it.

Truly.

See, you guys?

It all worked out.

We all have our very own G.B.F.

Actually, we're not all G.B.F.'s.

Right... Brent's 100%,

grade-"A" hetero.

Sure he is.

I might be drastic,

But I'm more than

plastic, I show it off...

Well, hey, there, prom date.

Hey.

So, is this not the

lamest thing ever?

I didn't know we were gonna be

Your girlfriend's

matching corsages.

I know, right?

Sorry about that.

You want to get out of here?

I know a place where we could...

get to know each other.

Yeah, that sounds awesome.

I just feel like I should

Really stay here for Fawcett's

sake, you know, 'cause...

Tanner.

...she's like...

Tanner.

...really fragile...

Tanner.

...and... Hmm?

I get it.

You're not there yet.

So, if you don't mind,

I'm... I'm gonna bounce.

Okay.

Night.

Sure.

These ways, for this

is how the nations

I am driving out before

you became defiled.

Nice!

As the land was defiled,

I came to punish it,

And it has vomited

out its inhabitants.

You shall keep my promises...

See ya.

What are you doing?

I feel a monster

stress zit coming on.

You know when you

can feel it coming

And there's nothing you

can do to stop it?

Let me look.

Okay, well, I do see it.

The good news is it won't

surface for a few hours.

Thanks.

But if things run late

with posh spice,

He might have to learn

to love you, zits and all.

Not gonna happen.

He bailed.

I guess I spent all this

time being a G.B.F.

And never actually learned

how to be a real, live gay.

Well, it sounds to me like

he doesn't deserve you.

I just miss you guys so much.

I can't believe I ditched you.

I don't know what happened to me.

I just...

Just got s-scared.

Not to mention blinded by the flash

Of bleached teeth and hair?

Tanner?

Our crowning moment

is only minutes away.

Great tunes, great tunes.

Okay, hello there,

ladies and gentlemen,

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