Galaxy Quest Page #4

ALEXANDER:

I've said for years he's mentally unstable.

He stands and moves to the refrigerator. Nothing but a hunk of

very rank cheese which he sniffs disdainfully.

ALEXANDER:

Oh good, there's nothing to eat.

GWEN:

Why didn't you stop at the market?

ALEXANDER:

(re his alien cap)

I still haven't got this bloody thing off.

GWEN:

You could order something in.

ALEXANDER:

A boy comes to the door.

GWEN:

(a beat, back to Jason...)

I don't know... It just wasn't like him.

ALEXANDER:

Yes, poor Jason. As we speak he's probably out somewhere talking

rubbish to a roomful of hangers-on. While here I sit eating

Christmas cheese in Spring.

16INT. JASON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jason sits on the edge of the bed staring at the TV, sipping

scotch, flipping channels. He stops at the conclusion of an

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episode of GALAXY QUEST. As Commander Taggart makes a heroic

speech. Jason mouths the words along with his alterego.

COMMANDER TAGGART (ON TV)

As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries

out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars... We'll

be there. This fine ship, and this fine crew... Never give up!

Never surrender!

We pan back to the bed... Jason has passed out, body twisted face

down in a pillow.

17INT. JASON'S BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING

Jason sleeps, hungover, dead to the world. His DOORBELL RINGS.

He barely moves. Every Indication is that he's dead. More

ringing. He stirs enough to groan, and drags a pillow over his

head. The ringing continues....

18EXT. JASON'S HOUSE

Jason opens the door in his robe, drooping bloodshot eyes, squint

of a headache... There before him are THE ALIENS dressed in

their perfect GALAXY QUEST attire. Jason stares at them, bleary

eyed. With earnest respectful faces, the five salute him in the

classic "GALAXY QUEST" style. Jason shuts the door in their face.

DING DONG:
The door opens again.

JASON:

WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT?!

The leader, Mathesar, steps forward. Speaks quickly.

MATHESAR:

Sir, I understand this is a terrible breach of protocol, but

please, I beg you to hear our plea. We are Thermians from the

Klatu Nebula. Our people are being systematically hunted and

slaughtered by Roth'h'ar Sarris of Fatu-Krey. Sarris wants the

Omega 13. We are to meet in negotiation. However our past efforts

in this regard have been nothing short of disastrous. The flames,

the death...

(he quickly gathers himself)

Please Captain, you are our last hope.

(a beat)

We have secured a limousine.

JASON:

Oh, right! The thing with the thing. Come on in, I'll get some

pants on.

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19INT. JASON'S HOUSE

The four aliens stand on one side of the room. Jason, mostly

dressed, hunts under his couch for something.

MATHESAR:

Commander, standing here in your presence is the greatest honor

we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetimes.

Mostly all they can see of Jason at the moment is his butt.

JASON:

Thanks, appreciate it... Anybody seen my other shoe?

20INT. LINCOLN LIMO

Jason sits in back with Mathesar and the others, half-awake.

NERU:

Sir, I am Neru, senior requisition officer. Before we travel to

the ship, please let me know if you have any requirements.

Weapons, documents, personnel...

JASON:

I could use a Coke.

One of the aliens nods to the other who makes a note.

TEB:

Sir, I am Teb. I would like to explain the history between our

people and the Sarris Dominion in greater detail. In the 5

million years following the great nebula burst our people were

one...

JASON:

What about him? Doesn't he talk?

TEB:

His translator is broken.

The fourth alien says something, but it comes out a weird mix of

sounds. Like a screaming baby inside a bagpipe.

JASON:

Okey doke... So, listen, I had a late night with a Kreemorian

Fangor Beast, so

(MORE)

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JASON (cont'd)

I'm going to shut my eyes for a bit. But go on, I'm listening to

every word...

Jason is asleep before Teb gets the next sentence out.

21INT. RECEIVING QUARTERS - PROTECTOR II

Jason is shaken softly by the shoulders. He opens his eyes to see

a young female CREWMAN, LALIARI. We hear a low RUMBLE.

LALIARI:

I am sorry to wake you sir, but your presence is requested on the

command deck.

Jason tries to reorient himself as she leads him forward.

22INT. HALLWAY - THE PROTECTOR II

Laliari escorts Jason down the high tech hallway. Jason looks

around, still holding his can of Coke.

LALIARI:

Sir, Sarris has moved the deadline. We are approaching his ship

at the Ni-delta now. He wants an answer to his proposal. I

understand you have been briefed.

JASON:

Yeah, I got most of it in the car. He's the bad guy, right?

LALIARI:

Yes sir he is a very bad man indeed. He has tortured our

scientists, put us to work in the gallium arsenide mines,

captured our females for his own demented purposes...

JASON:

Okay I've got the picture. You have pages or do you want me to

just go for it?

LALIARI:

I m not sure I...

JASON (cont'd)

Script pages. Never mind, let's see what old Sarris has to say

for himself.

Mathesar approaches with other CREWMEMBERS.

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MATHESAR:

Commander... Welcome to the Protector II. Would you like to don

your uniform?

JASON:

Mind If we skip that? I have to get back pretty quick for this

thing in Van Nuys.

MATHESAR:

As you wish.

Another ALIEN comes running up out of breath.

EXCITED ALIEN Sir... It's Sarris. He's here.

23INT. COMMAND DECK

A door slides OPEN and Jason and the others enter the COMMAND

DECK.... It's straight out of the TV show. Blinking lights,

consoles, the cool old tech displays... But a bit dark. Jason

looks around, genuinely impressed, still wearing his glasses.

JASON:

Not bad. Usually it's painted cardboard boxes in a garage.

They lead him to the Commander's chair. He sits.

TEB:

Sir, we apologize for operating in low power mode, but we are

experiencing a reflective flux field this close to the galactic

axis.

JASON:

No problem. This thing have a cup holder?

EXCITED ALIEN:

(hands Jason a clipboard)

The situational analysis, Commander.

JASON:

What's your name?

EXCITED ALIEN:

(perplexed)

...Glath sir.

Jason signs his autograph and hands it back. "There you go."

NAVIGATOR:

We're approaching in five ticks, sir. Command to slow?

Jason looks toward the front window/view screen. Stars move past

in a familiar display.

JASON:

Sure, set the screen saver on two.

(the NAVIGATOR looks confused)

Sorry. Sorry. Didn't mean to break he mood. Slow to Mark 2,

lieutenant.

A SHIP appears on the screen, growing closer. It is a MENACING

craft, sharp and jagged, with a gargoyle shaped figurehead. Then

the VIEWSCREEN fuzzes to life with an image of... SARRIS - He's

ugly and green hued. Black sharp teeth. A metal hand... He

hisses... There is a beat as the aliens take in the sight, trying

to well their courage.

SARRIS:

I see fear. That is expected.

(his voice RESONATES)

Ah, they bring a new Commander... Such a cowardly species. Not

even your own kind... No matter. Here are my demands, and I

would suggest, Commander, that you think well before speaking a

word, because these negotiations are... tender.. and if I do not

like what I hear there will be blood and pain as you cannot

imagine...

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