Get Smart Page #3

Okay, good idea.

We met at a marketing convention in Vegas.

Married a year later. No kids.

I like your parents, but you hate mine.

Do we want kids?

Well, you do,

but I'm concentrating on my career.

I don't know if that's fair.

I mean, I'm older than you are.

- Well, not by much.

- Really?

When they gave me a new face,

I had them...

...take a couple years off.

You know, why not?

Well, if that's the case, then you are

at an advanced age, and you should be...

Well, no. I was never...

I'm just saying that your eggs could dry up

and fall out of your uterus.

So time is of the essence.

- That's your opinion.

- No, that is a medical fact.

There is a lot of time

for me to make this decision.

I will not be rushed into it

by you or my mother.

- You don't have much time.

- Where is the drink cart?

Uh-oh.

- What?

- Six o'clock.

Don't turn around, don't turn around.

Use your peripherals.

Do you see him?

I'm just widening my eyes.

I'm not actually seeing anything more.

The big guy that might as well

be holding up a sign:

"I'm an assassin, here to kill you."

Okay, 99, you know what?

That is profiling.

Just because he is large doesn't

necessarily mean that he is a bad guy.

Oh. Wow.

That's a bad guy.

That's a really bad guy.

- You don't say.

- Did you see his face?

Yes.

His head looks like

one of the Easter Island heads.

You know what?

I'm doing the same thing.

That's profiling,

and I will have none of it.

Darn it, I have gum on my new shoes.

- He's trying to light his shoe.

MAN:
It's a shoe bomb!

- Get him!

- It's gum.

- He's got a gun!

- Not... Gum! Not... No! Gum!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Gum!

Federal marshal, you're under arrest.

Sir, I believe you just shattered

my coccyx.

MAN [O VER SPEAKER]: Folks, we may

be experiencing a little turbulence.

The "fasten seatbelt" sign

has been turned on.

Well, you were no help whatsoever.

How could I help?

I'm just a woman with a dusty old uterus.

I never said dusty.

We're close to the drop site.

I'll go first.

- Gonna be all right with your cuffs?

- No cuffs can contain me.

Excuse me, violent sky marshal.

What do you want?

I have to squeeze the lemon.

MAN:

Ugh.

MAX:

You heard me.

Squeeze the lemon.

- Do you work out?

- Occasionally.

Yeah, I'm big on protein. Protein's great.

[GRO ANING]

I gotta get it out. I gotta get that out!

[MAX GRO ANING]

That's in there, that's in there.

No time for pain.

Over the drop zone.

[YELLS]

Ball sack!

Son of a hamster.

MARSHAL:
You all right in there?

- Yeah. Yes, I am.

Everything's fine.

Mother of pearl!

That burns!

Last chance.

WOMAN [ON RECORDING]:

Airlock activated. Three, two, one.

[SCREAMS]

First package away.

Absolutely, I love cats.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Damn.

Second package away.

[MAX YELLING]

Oh, good, you heard me.

Third package away.

Third package?

[YELLS]

[FABRIC TEARS]

- I'll be right back!

- Where could you possibly be going?

[YELLING]

Okay, never do that again!

AGENT 99:
Stop hanging on me!

MAX:
Never! Stop it!

AGENT 99:
Max, I can't reach my reserve!

Do something!

[LAUGHS]

That would have definitely

worked on me.

Are you crazy?

If I can't pull my chute, you'll die too!

MAX:
Aim for the haystack.

AGENT 99:
Stop talking.

- Aim for the haystack, it's softer.

- Stop talking!

MAX:

You missed it.

[IN RUSSIAN]

MAX:

Okay, not to keep dwelling on this...

...but that was some kiss.

How did you know that would work?

Have you kissed other men

who plummeted to their deaths?

Okay, you know what?

So far, our entire partnership has consisted

of me getting you out of trouble.

Do you know why?

It is because you keep leading.

So here's how we stop that. I lead now.

I'm the one with experience.

You know nothing.

I beg to differ.

I looked up your field agent exam,

and I scored...

- My what?

- Your field agent exam.

I scored eight points higher than you.

This is not a classroom.

That's the difference between

an A plus and an A minus.

- You'll get us killed if you don't listen!

- A minus!

Okay, you're faced with an assassin.

What do you do?

- I take out my gun, and I would shoot...

- You don't have a gun.

- I did until you took it.

- Bang. You're dead.

- No, I'm not.

- Bang. You're dead.

- Stop shooting me.

- You are dead.

- I don't like it when you shoot me.

- Bang. Bang. Bang.

- Stop it.

- Bang. Bang.

Stop shooting me more.

You already said I was... Hey.

Throw out your manual.

Out here there are no grades,

there's only dead, and not dead.

You know, I am not completely

incompetent without a gun.

I am a master in the art of Hwa Rang Do.

[GRUNTS]

- I was not ready.

- That's my point.

Yeah, you know what? That...

Hey, what was that?

Max is halfway to Moscow. Don't tell me

you're still translating that Russian.

They talk fast, it's hard.

BRUCE:
It takes like eight of these morons

to do what Max did.

I can't wait till we finish

the Hymie project.

All these stupid agents will be obsolete.

- Bye-bye.

- What's a Hymie?

Hybrid Mechanical Intelligence Entity.

Basically a robot.

It's a stolen KAOS technology.

Being reprogrammed. Top-secret.

Need-to-know.

And you don't need.

I'm a trained killer.

I can kill you with anything in this office.

You wanna die by Post-its?

Because I could make that happen.

And that's a slow death.

AGENT 23:
Larabee.

- Yeah.

- Were you the last one to use the copier?

- Yeah.

You left it jammed.

So? Why don't you...

...unjam it?

- Just open the door, read the instructions.

- This your stapler?

- Yeah, want me to show you how to use it?

- No.

Unjam that.

- 23.

- Yes.

- Can I have a moment, please?

- Sure.

Yes, Chief.

Let me tell you about a pattern

that's beginning to emerge.

As a former field agent,

I'm very much aware...

...of how difficult it is

to make the transition to office life.

He didn't unjam the copier.

We have rules here. If you don't

follow the rules, then what are we?

I'll tell you what we're not. We're not

people who jam staples into people's heads.

That's CIA crap.

All right, look, Chief, I'm your best guy.

I don't belong in an office making copies.

I should be out there with Max.

Look, 23, no more stapling today.

[LARABEE GRO ANING]

Just hold on.

So how do you know this place?

Well, as an analyst,

I like to keep my ears open.

It's amazing what you learn...

...listening to chatter.

In fact, Ladislas Krstic loves this place.

As do many KAOS agents.

Cafe Minsk-Pinsk in Smolensk.

It doesn't get any better than "thinsk."

You see what I just did?

I added an "insk" at the end,

made it sound Russian.

Should've smacked you harder.

Is that your default setting?

Do you just punch people

in the face willy-nilly?

"It's Tuesday,

I'll punch Max in the face."

"A box of kittens,

time to punch Max in the face."

"I'm having bread,

time to punch Max in the face."

You know, I love bread...

...and I know bread

has a few carbs, but...

...I've never really been afraid of carbs...

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