Get Smart Page #4

...because it seems like no matter

how many I eat, I stay "thinsk."

[IN RUSSIAN]

I'm sorry, are you talking to me?

No sprechen Sie Russian.

[URINATING]

[IN RUSSIAN]

[STOPS URINATING]

[URINATING]

[STOPS URINATING]

[URINATING]

[STOPS URINATING]

[URINATING]

[STOPS URINATING]

[URINATING]

[STOPS URINATING]

[URINATING]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

MAX:
Boy, you know what? I will tell you,

I love your country.

No more Communism.

No rules of any kind, really.

I'm filling my suitcase with steroids

and art from ancient Mesopotamia.

Ran over an old woman yesterday.

Best vacation I've ever had.

[WATCH BEEPING]

Time to take my pill.

There was a guy in the bathroom

who's really hot.

Okay...

No, no, no. Radioactive hot.

Although he did have a certain

rugged quality that some find appealing.

How did you know he was radioactive?

My watch is a Geiger counter.

You don't have one of these? Huh.

Listen, I think he was part

of the nuclear theft in Chechnya.

We should follow him.

AGENT 99:

I gotta say, Max...

...you picked a good restaurant.

MAX:

Of course.

Tripe soup.

- This must be Ladislas Krstic's house.

- What?

Tripe soup is his favorite dish.

It was in the mission dossier.

Let's just see what we're

up against, okay?

[WRAPPER CRINKLING]

I didn't get to eat at the restaurant.

And if you skip a meal,

the next meal you overindulge.

- Well, let me. I've got nails.

- It's a recipe for...

[SPLASHES]

You owe me $3.

AGENT 99:
More guards.

We'll have to figure out a way in.

Miniature blowgun.

You don't have one of these?

These darts are tipped with a tranquilizer

derived from the skin of a lizard...

...known as los zapatos de la muerte.

"The shoes of death."

Excuse me.

They're 40 yards out,

that's definitely the edge of my range.

I'm going to have to give this one

a little something extra.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

[CHOKES]

[THUDS]

Wow.

You look spectacular.

Thanks.

You don't look too bad yourself.

Is that a wig?

Yeah, it came with the dress.

- How did I get into these clothes?

- That's not important. Let's go.

Am I wearing boxers?

For future reference,

I usually prefer briefs...

...for their security and peace of mind.

Going free-bird is not exactly ideal.

I don't like it.

[BAND PLAYING WALTZ]

There must be 200 people here.

Finding Krstic will be like

finding a needle in a haystack.

[IN RUSSIAN]

[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

I'd love to dance.

English? But you understand Russian?

Very impressive.

Shall we?

I hope your date doesn't mind.

AGENT 99:

Oh, he's not my date.

He's just a local horse groomer

I hired to drive me around.

It's a tragic story. He's quite deaf.

Really not bright.

I am going to dance now.

You go get yourself some punch.

Okay.

I don't even know

how much gets through.

Chief, I need your help.

You're on. Go ahead.

MAX:

We have found Krstic.

I searched his house.

I can't find his computer network.

Get me an infrared satellite scan.

Get me an infrared satellite scan.

I have to get back to 99,

she is in grave danger.

Your house is so beautiful.

It must be difficult to go to work.

I don't have to go very far.

[CLEARS THRO AT]

[IN RUSSIAN]

I don't think so.

I wasn't talking to you.

Me?

[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

I don't know.

It'll be fun.

Trust me.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

You are so light on your feet.

I recently lost 150 pounds.

So did I.

Isn't it great?

I have so much more energy now.

Me too.

- Thanks for jumping.

- No problem.

Thank you for the lovely dance.

Did you see anything

while I was dancing?

Just once, but I don't think you expected

him to lift you so high.

Anyway, I found out that the office

is in the guest house.

Really? How'd you do that?

Show him a little decolletage,

cleavage, bat your eyes?

I'm not judging, just detecting a pattern.

- Ready to work?

- I'm ready to work. You ready?

- Oh, my God.

- You're just having fun showing your:

[GRUNTING]

Six guards.

We are going to need another way in.

Stand by, Max. Larabee, let's go. Move it.

- What'd you do?

- I can't find the right screen.

It was here a second ago,

then it went away.

- What did you hit?

- Don't yell at me. It's not helping!

If you don't find that screen...

...I'm gonna have you hunting

for land mines, with a hammer!

AGENT 23:

Got it, Max. There is one other entrance.

What kind of entrance?

The kind where you'll wanna

throw your shoes out afterwards.

MAX:
Oh, great, rats.

It's not enough that there's poop.

You know what, I never saw James Bond

in rats or poop, let alone rats and poop.

Look, a rat riding on a piece of poop.

AGENT 99:

Stop it. It's just a storm drain.

Here it is.

Exploding dental floss.

You don't have this? Hm.

Three, two...

...one.

Right.

Come on.

Are you staring at my butt?

No, I am not.

I might have been before, but I am...

Now I am again. All right, I'm stopping.

Pay attention to what I'm doing,

so that you can follow me exactly.

Yep.

Okay, Max. Little heads-up.

High-intensity lasers. Whatever

part of you does touch gets sliced.

One more reason

why boxers were a bad idea.

All right, so do I have to do it

exactly like that?

Just come on.

That's impressive. Wow.

Careful, this one's tricky.

Good.

Very good.

Okay, it's not that good.

[GASPS]

Max. Max.

Stay calm.

Max, keep it together. Keep it together.

Max. Max.

Careful! No, no.

He's nibbling. That's not cheese!

[MAX GRO ANING]

Max, be quiet!

Okay, shall we?

[BEADS RATTLING]

Did I hear something?

Yes, there were some

tap dancers in the hallway.

Damn it. I can't get into their system.

Biometric security.

If you don't mind, 99...

The old "steam sticks to everything

but the oil from the last thumb print" trick.

Here we go.

- Shipments of explosives.

- Your boyfriend is a very bad man.

- And a really good kisser.

- Ignoring that.

Look at that shipment of detonators.

It's a little odd.

Well, he is a bomb-maker.

No. What is odd is that it was shipped

to a bakery in Moscow.

These detonators can also be used

for nuclear bombs.

I think this is our connection to KAOS.

[CREAKS]

I set that up.

Let her go.

No.

[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

I'm not totally incompetent

without a gun, you know.

AGENT 99:

Thanks for the help.

KRSTIC:

That's enough. Pity.

I'm about to shoot beautiful woman

and her retard stable boy.

And yet...

...I will sleep like baby.

- Not bad for a rookie.

- Not bad for an old lady.

[PLAYING BEETHO VEN'S

"ODE TO JO Y"]

[PHONE RINGS]

SIEGFRIED:

Siegfried here.

MAN [O VER PHONE]:

How could you possibly screw this up?

Krstic was a fool.

- And they got lucky.

- Who's that? Who's speaking?

- And they got lucky.

- Who's that? Who's speaking?

- And they got lucky.

- Who's that? Who's speaking?

That's no one, sir.

They're heading towards you.

Don't disappoint me again.

Don't worry, sir. They won't get pa...

[DIAL TONE HUMS]

Why does he do that?

Don't look at me. I'm no one.

And don't you forget it.

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