Get Smart Page #5

Everyone here can be replaced.

I even have backup for you.

It's called a rhinoceros.

I think it's time to find new wheels.

Pull over.

I feel good about the mission so far,

don't you?

So far, sure.

I think we work very well together.

Like at the mansion.

The way I held that guy's hair

while you punched him in the throat.

That was nice.

Nice?

Yeah, well, good teamwork.

What are you doing?

I'm just saying that I think

we're very compatible.

I think that you are confusing adrenaline

with, I don't know...

...some other kind of hormone.

- No. That's not...

- Know what, Max? Just stop it.

Let me give you a lesson

that I had to learn the hard way.

You can't trust anyone out here,

not even me.

I mean, you know,

I could be a double agent.

The break-in at CONTROL

was probably an inside job.

It happened just as I got back.

How do you know that it wasn't me?

- What are we talking about here?

- Let's just find a car.

Which one's gonna attract

the least attention?

All right, well, we have

a couple Soviet-era sedans here...

...we have that tractor, that cart...

...and... That'll work.

- No.

- Yes.

No.

Yes.

- Oh, yeah, we are really under the radar.

- Will you relax?

Since the fall of Communism,

everybody has one of these here.

[IN RUSSIAN]

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

AGENT 99:

There's our little KAOS bakery.

I don't have to remind you,

but this isn't like the last place.

There's no party, there's no dancing.

Everyone in there is a trained killer.

Do you understand? Okay.

Did they explain to you

how your belt buckle works?

No, but the technology for holding

up pants hasn't changed much.

- Max.

- Hey, what?

This one has a compartment.

Inside there's a pill.

If captured, it would cause death

in nine seconds.

Great.

But how exactly do I get them to take it?

- Not much of a laugher, are you?

- Here. Put this on.

- On what?

- On your molar.

It's a tooth radio. It sends sound

up your jawbone, into your ear.

I can't hear anything outside your mouth,

so if you get in trouble, you have to say so.

Is it working?

[FEEDBACK SQUEALS]

- [WHISPERS] Is it working?

- Yes.

Good.

Okay.

Well, you know what to do.

Good luck in there.

You too.

[BELL RINGS]

Free rugelach?

No, thank you.

I am here for something else.

Bread?

- Something hot.

- We have rolls that just came out.

Even hotter. Much, much hotter.

I already have boyfriend.

- All right...

- Although, I could make exception.

No, that's okay.

Sure? Flour sacks in back,

very comfortable.

I don't think we are on the same page.

I'm here because Ladislas Krstic sent me.

Ah. Take number.

But I'm the only one here.

Oh.

Who are you?

My name is Nudnik Shpilkes.

Who are you?

- I am Siegfried.

- [LOUDLY] Did you say Siegfried?

[FEEDBACK SQUEALS]

Max!

Yes.

I understand that you're

the man to see...

...if someone is interested in acquiring

items of a nuclear nature.

- How do I know you're not CONTROL?

- Lf I were CONTROL, you'd already be dead.

If you were CONTROL, you'd be dead.

Well, neither of us is dead,

so I'm obviously not from CONTROL.

That actually makes sense.

Follow me, Mr. Shpilkes.

Test. Test.

MAX:
Ah. The "Ode to Joy"

from Beethoven's Ninth.

Stone deaf when he wrote it.

Syphilis. Fun stuff.

Yes, a personal favorite.

A bit familiar, but it ends with a bang.

You're doing great, Max.

What I'm about to show you is

the inner sanctum of our entire operation.

[LOUDLY] The inner sanctum

of the entire operation?

[FEEDBACK SQUEALS]

Yes.

This is it?

Of course not. I lied.

He does that.

I'm going to kill you,

and then I'm going to kill your partner.

I don't know who you're talking about.

MAX:

Ah. Mrs. Shpilkes must be lost.

I think it's only fair to warn you,

this facility is surrounded...

...by a highly trained team

of 130 Black Op snipers.

- I don't believe you.

- Would you believe...

...two dozen Delta Force commandos?

- No.

- How about Chuck Norris with a BB gun?

Goodbye, Mr. Smart.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Well, Mr. Shtarker,

I think you've underestimated me...

...and the element of surpr...!

COMPUTERIZED VOICE:

Access denied.

[GRUNTING]

[MAX GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

Access denied. Access denied.

Access denied.

AGENT 99:

Max, where are you?

Of course you did, it's a bakery.

No, not yellow "cake" cake,

yellowcake uranium.

Although there is yellow "cake" cake

here as well.

Oh, Max.

Max, do you read...?

What happened to your radio?

I swallowed it. I can get it back,

but you may not want it.

- Good Lord.

- Listen...

...I've placed charges

at points all over the building.

...I've placed charges

at points all over the building.

What? Max, you can't blow up a building

full of radioactive material!

I know that, 99. I've placed only enough

charges to safely bury the weapons lab.

Max, that's brilliant.

Wow. That's maybe the nicest thing

you've ever said to me.

[GUNFIRE]

[BEEPING]

[GRO ANING]

- I don't get it, I thought he was dead!

- I will say this, he is not a quitter.

This is just ridiculous!

Wake up, 99.

Maybe you should kiss him again.

[IN PUNJABl]

Wait, I know that voice.

The chatter! Dalip.

[IN PUNJABl]

[YELLS]

Ow! That was me!

- Max?

- I'm... Yep, still fighting.

Now, Dalip, I can prove that I know you.

Your favorite dish is chicken tikka!

Like me, you enjoy

American Top 40 with Ryan Seacrest.

[GRO ANS]

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Wait, wait, Dalip,

there's something else that I know.

Max. Max.

Your marriage is in trouble.

Your darling wife, Zeenat, is leaving you.

But there is still hope.

Do you love her?

- Wha...?

- Then show her. Go home for lunch.

Take her with you the next time

you go to kill someone.

She just wants to be with you...

...and that means

less time with her sister...

...who we both know is undermining

your relationship.

Kick the gun to me.

Big people feel pain too.

What are you doing?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Max!

Okay. Okay. That's all right. That's okay.

[DALIP SOBBING]

Her sister's such a b*tch.

- You all right?

- Yeah. That was amazing.

Thank you.

We gotta go.

- What was that?

- I cramped up.

Come on. Come here.

Good idea.

We will climb up with you,

and we'll all go... together.

[IN RUSSIAN]

MAX:

He left us here.

What a douche.

Missed it by that much.

Well, that's convenient. Shoot them.

Whatever you do, 99, don't look down!

I'm gonna try to get us over to that ledge!

We can do this, 99!

Max.

Right.

AGENT 99:

Thanks, Chief.

Okay, no problem.

The Chief is thrilled.

He sent 23 out to observe the cleanup.

Great.

Listen, is it possible that you could

answer a personal question?

It's possible.

Why did you change your looks?

Oh. Um...

That's not really a personal question.

Things from my non-work sphere

spilled into my work sphere.

Facts became known, identities were

compromised, and I became a brunette.

Wow. That is a great story...

...in which you revealed

absolutely nothing about yourself.

I blew a mission.

I was involved with someone from work.

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