Get Smart Page #6

I lost focus. The mission blew up.

I broke it off with that person,

but my identity had already been revealed.

So I had two choices.

I could either spend the rest of my life

behind a desk...

...which would be like

eight hours a day...

...of scraping a cheese grater

against my forehead.

- Oh, you know.

- Yes.

Or I could change my face,

so that's what I did.

And it was painful,

but it needed to be done, and s...

- I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

- Okay.

I used to look like my mom.

I used to look like

two of my moms put together.

Sir, if I may ask...

...how did you choose the target?

- Why Los Angeles?

- Major city...

...Iots of media attention...

...and the president will be there.

Still, it's too bad

about all the dead movie stars.

Yes.

What will we do without

their razor-sharp political advice?

Oh, my God, have you eaten the crew?

Oh, look, it understands.

Get back to work.

AGENT 99:
No, that's not possible.

No, no, no. Max said that...

No.

That doesn't make any sense.

Yellowcake uranium, warheads,

an entire production line.

There's nothing here

but what used to be a bakery.

There are no weapons?

No radioactivity of any kind?

Nothing. I've swept the entire area,

and it's clean.

- But Max said that he s...

- Did you see the evidence yourself?

No.

No, every time he found something,

he was alone.

What do you want me to do with Max?

- Do with Max?

- Max?

You were right when you said

I shouldn't trust you.

Give me the phone.

And who might this be? Siegfried?

Hello, Max.

Chief?

Knockout gas, 99?

Please. I have trained my body

to be impervious to...

That's new stuff.

Oh, Max.

CHIEF:

I'm very disappointed, Max.

I thought you and I were supposedly

cut from the same cloth.

How can you think

that I am a double agent?

You lied about finding evidence

of radioactivity.

Killed Krstic before

anybody could question him.

There's a matter of your

stoving my head in with a fire extinguisher.

I said I was sorry. You just didn't hear me,

because you were in a mini coma.

I said I was sorry. You just didn't hear me,

because you were in a mini coma.

You've made CONTROL a laughingstock.

The vice president wants to shut us down,

you know.

This whole week...

...last night...

...you know me.

Apparently not.

Oh, my God!

You two? You and Max?

You said we had to break up

because we work together.

Oh, my God! You and 23?

I am so sexually threatened right now.

[LINE RINGING]

MAN [ON RECORDING]:

You have reached...

... the United States

Department of Homeland Security.

For threats against

the continental United States, press 1.

For threats against Hawaii, press 2.

For threats against Puerto Rico...

[SHTARKER BREATHING NOISILY]

You know, you're the only human being

I know who snores when he's awake?

If you're calling from a rotary...

Okay, today's threat assessment.

- There are 72 threats on the list. Mike?

- Thank you, Mr. Vice President.

Okay, we have a deteriorating situation

in Venezuela.

We have a deteriorating situation

in Afghanistan.

What about the deteriorating situation

in North Korea?

- I was getting to that.

- When? Next week?

Yes, next Tuesday,

right after I kick your ass.

Gentlemen, when we argue,

the terrorists win.

Anyway, last night at a private dinner...

...President Kim Jong-il

made a very odd threat to, and I quote:

"Make a pudding from the bones

of Americans."

That guy's insane.

Doesn't he know bones are crunchy?

Who'd want a crunchy pudding?

[PHONE RINGS]

War room.

Finally. My name is Siegfried,

and I represent KAOS.

Over the past few months, we have

assembled a stockpile of nuclear weapons...

... which we have distributed

to 20 unfriendly, unstable dictators.

For the moment, KAOS retains

the bomb activation codes...

...but we will release the codes

unless our demands are met.

What are your demands?

You seem a bit slow.

- Is there someone else I can talk to?

- Good one.

Look, Siegfried,

we don't negotiate with terrorists...

...and you're obviously bluffing.

Take a hike.

CHIEF:

What? Are you kidding me?

You spent the morning talking about

pudding, and you ignore a credible threat?

Credible? Come on.

KAOS has been defunct for 20 years.

CHIEF:
With all due respect,

the CIA knows nothing about KAOS.

CONTROL has to be in charge here.

- Like when you bombed that bakery?

- Muffins of mass destruction.

[MEN LAUGHING]

That's it!

I've been waiting for this since Nixon.

- Here we go.

- I got a new pacemaker, I can go all day!

- Okay!

- Okay! Come on!

It seems like they don't believe you.

Which is why we've arranged

for a little demonstration.

Chief, you wanted to see me?

Yes. You and 23 are coming with me

to see the president.

- Can't you call him?

- Vice president won't let me through.

I can't believe we have to go

all the way to Los Angeles.

Why is the president never here?

I'm sure whatever he's doing

is vital to the nation.

"Good night, moon.

Good night,

cow jumping over the moon."

Actually, I think you would suck

as my teacher.

Well, from wh...

Hey, Smart. Happy birthday.

I'm fat!

[BEEPING]

Gentlemen.

Oh. Good, the itchy kind.

My favorite.

Does this one also have smallpox?

[CLINKING]

And that was a human tooth.

MAN 1 [O VER RADIO]: American Top 40.

WOMAN:
With Ryan Seacrest.

MAN 2:
Here's a sweet dedication

from a little lady named Dalip.

It's to her boyfriend, Max.

"Meet me in L.A.

Things will be very hot. Nuclear hot. "

I don't know, if I were Max,

I would get myself to L.A.

[MADONNA'S "4 MINUTES"

PLAYS ON RADIO]

Hey! Dumb guards!

Why don't you come in here so I can

make you my pretty little girlfriends.

You'll have to shower for weeks!

[BEEPING]

But you will never get the smell off...

You two seem very angry.

Thank you, sir, may I have another?

I was kidding.

[BEEPING]

[DOOR CLICKS]

BRUCE:

Turn around slowly.

Guys, you have to believe me.

I am not a double agent.

- We never thought you were.

- Yeah, we love you, man.

Then what's with the firearm

and the freak-show expressions?

For the security cameras.

If it looks like we let you go,

we'd totally get fired.

Got it.

So where are the Chief and 99?

They flew to L.A.

To talk to the president.

I need to get out of here

before someone stops me.

- Overpower us.

- Good idea.

Bruce, I will smash you in the face.

- Thank you.

- Lloyd, I'll simulate your disembowelment.

Ready? One...

Not yet! I haven't punched yet.

React when I punch.

- Oh, yeah.

- One...

...two, three.

- Wrong way.

- Okay, wait.

- Sometimes I faint.

- I'm not going to hit you.

No, but when I see blood, or when

I talk about blood, or think about blood...

There will be no blood.

Hang in there. Hang in, buddy.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

What are you doing, dummkopf?

Running out in the middle of the road!

You could get hit by a car!

Well, that was ironic.

PRESIDENT:

Chief, I'm not buying it.

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